A people-pleaser personality, also known as a "submissive personality" or "dependent personality," refers to individuals who excessively comply with others to seek their approval and affection. They do this to gain affirmation, recognition, and a sense of security. Such individuals often prioritize others' needs over their own, are afraid to express their thoughts and opinions, and always strive to meet others' expectations.
Gordon Huang, senior pastor of 101 Church & Star City Church, recently shared his many years of pastoral counseling experience online, offering four pieces of advice to help people-pleasers change.
He believes that a people-pleasing personality is often related to the family of origin. During the growth process, a child receives positive feedback only when doing things their parents like. Over time, this leads to the belief that they will only be loved if they do those things. This makes them define love as giving and sacrificing, and only then will they be loved.
Learn to take care of your own needs first
He gave the example of watching the safety video while taking a flight, which emphasizes putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. People-pleasers always tend to take care of others' needs first, often neglecting their own. They should work towards changing this by taking care of their own needs first.
Learn to love yourself
Many people-pleasers often do not love themselves. Rev. Huang finds this very sad, as they keep giving to gain others' love and hope so that others will love them in return. However, the result is often that they never receive love, and they cannot love themselves either. When people-pleasers encounter problems in life and work, they need to quiet down and think about how to love themselves.
Establish clear boundaries
Healthy relationships require clear distinctions between "whose responsibility" and "whose problem." We should not turn others' responsibilities, problems, and difficulties into our own. People-pleasers often feel disrespected and taken advantage of because they accept responsibilities and problems that are not theirs and are reluctant to say "no."
Learn to say "no"
"I can't," "No," "I can't do it," and "This is not my responsibility," are what people-pleasers need to learn to say. Saying "no" is not a bad thing, and it is okay to say "no" to others. "You are worthy of being loved," Huang said. "You deserve a reciprocal relationship. In a normal relationship, you can also gain respect from others, which is healthy."
- Translated by Abigail Wu
讨好型人格，也被称为是“顺从型人格”或“依赖性人格”，指的是有一种人过于顺从他人、寻求他人的认可和喜爱。并以此来获得对自己的肯定、认可和安全感。这种人常常将他人的需求凌驾于自己的需求之上，常常不敢表达自己的想法和意见，总是试图满足他人的期待。
黄国伦牧师曾经在网上就这一方面的话题，分享了自己多年来的教牧辅导经验，并提出了4点建议帮助讨好型人格做出改变。
他认为讨好型人格的形成往往和原生家庭有关系。在成长的过程中，当一个孩子在做父母喜欢的事情时，才会得到正面的回馈；久而久之他就会形成只有做这些事情才会被爱的想法。这使得他对爱的定义是要给予、要付出、要牺牲，而且这样做才会被爱。
要学会先照顾自己的需要。
对此他举例说，当我们乘坐飞机的时候，每次都会看到安全视频，强调要先自己带好安全带，再照顾身边的其他人。
讨好型人格总是会先照顾他人的需求，往往就忽略掉了自己的需要。讨好型人格也应该要朝着先照顾自己的方向改变。
要学习爱自己。
很多讨好型人格往往不爱自己。黄国伦牧师觉得这是一件很悲伤的事情，他们总是不断地付出，借此来获得他人的爱，希望别人也能够来爱他。可是，结果往往是他们永远都得不到爱，甚至他们自己也无法爱自己。当讨好型人格在生活和工作中遇到问题的时候，需要安静下来思考的一个问题是，要如何爱自己。
第三，讨好型人格需要设立一个清楚的界限。
一个健康的人际关系是要分清楚“谁的责任”和“谁的问题”。我们不要把别人的责任、别人的问题、别人的难处都变成是自己的。讨好型人格之所以会觉得不被尊重、被践踏，是因为他们往往接受了本不属于自己的责任和问题，他们不好意思说“不”。
第四，学习说“不”。
“我没办法”、“不行”、“我做不到”、“这不是我的责任”……讨好型人格要学习说这样的话。说“不”并不是一件坏事情，对他人说“不”是没关系的。
“你是值得被爱的，”黄国伦牧师说：“你值得拥有一个对等的回馈关系。在正常的关系中，你也可以得到他人的回应，这样才是健康的。”
黄国伦牧师分享4点对讨好型人格的建议
A people-pleaser personality, also known as a "submissive personality" or "dependent personality," refers to individuals who excessively comply with others to seek their approval and affection. They do this to gain affirmation, recognition, and a sense of security. Such individuals often prioritize others' needs over their own, are afraid to express their thoughts and opinions, and always strive to meet others' expectations.
Gordon Huang, senior pastor of 101 Church & Star City Church, recently shared his many years of pastoral counseling experience online, offering four pieces of advice to help people-pleasers change.
He believes that a people-pleasing personality is often related to the family of origin. During the growth process, a child receives positive feedback only when doing things their parents like. Over time, this leads to the belief that they will only be loved if they do those things. This makes them define love as giving and sacrificing, and only then will they be loved.
Learn to take care of your own needs first
He gave the example of watching the safety video while taking a flight, which emphasizes putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. People-pleasers always tend to take care of others' needs first, often neglecting their own. They should work towards changing this by taking care of their own needs first.
Learn to love yourself
Many people-pleasers often do not love themselves. Rev. Huang finds this very sad, as they keep giving to gain others' love and hope so that others will love them in return. However, the result is often that they never receive love, and they cannot love themselves either. When people-pleasers encounter problems in life and work, they need to quiet down and think about how to love themselves.
Establish clear boundaries
Healthy relationships require clear distinctions between "whose responsibility" and "whose problem." We should not turn others' responsibilities, problems, and difficulties into our own. People-pleasers often feel disrespected and taken advantage of because they accept responsibilities and problems that are not theirs and are reluctant to say "no."
Learn to say "no"
"I can't," "No," "I can't do it," and "This is not my responsibility," are what people-pleasers need to learn to say. Saying "no" is not a bad thing, and it is okay to say "no" to others. "You are worthy of being loved," Huang said. "You deserve a reciprocal relationship. In a normal relationship, you can also gain respect from others, which is healthy."
- Translated by Abigail Wu
Pastor Offers 4 Pieces of Advice for People-Pleasers
