My mother became a widow at a very young age, yet she remained an exceptionally virtuous person. She was gentle, meek, generous, and loyal, with few friends.
Of course, even when you did anything immoral, she would not blame you; she simply maintained her commitment to living a holy life. Her life was challenging and full of hardships. In her presence, even the slightest wrongdoing made you uneasy—not out of fear that she would report you, but because you dreaded her discerning gaze.
Before embracing Christianity, I had never felt proud of having such a mother. On the contrary, I felt ashamed—why could she not be more "normal"?
So, I went far away for college, intending to escape the influence of my "old-fashioned" mother. After graduation, I worked in Beijing, able to follow what I considered a "normal" path.
I decided to minimize contact with her as much as possible. I became obsessed with my figure and appearance, seeking health and nutrition. I often thought, "Such a wonderful body should not endure the slightest discomfort; I should make merry while I can!"
To enjoy life, we need money, but earning it the right way takes time. "No night grass, no fat horses." You have to use some unconventional methods." So, in the process of thinking, "Doing this will not cause too much harm," slowly, "Once a person sins, they develop harmful habits. Their conscience gradually dies, and the heart becomes increasingly hardened."
In the initial years, I lived a "carefree" life, indulging in things my mother hadn't done, eating what she had not, experiencing what she had not seen, playing in ways she had not played, and wearing what she had not worn. In essence, I was living vindictively, retaliating against the "passive" adherence to her principles that had once deprived me of varied experiences..
I felt very smart because I often made the "right choices." However, the price I paid for frequently making the "right choices" was extreme anxiety and a profound sense of insecurity.
Originally, I made every choice intended to cater to my flesh, thinking, "I can indulge in anything, but I must never suffer a loss!" However, the outcome often turned out to be that, in the end, not only did I suffer losses, but there was also significant harm to my physical well-being.
Then, I missed my mother and wanted to call her, reach out, and see her. After some contemplation, I finally gave up. I believed she had a "characteristic" that particularly attracted misfortune," which was "terrible luck."
I did not believe in her God, and the moment I heard, "I am a sinner, under the dominion of sin, but only in the Lord is there true peace and true freedom," I became upset. Am I not free now?! Becoming a Christian and not being able to do things as I please makes me feel like I have lost my freedom! I even stubbornly believed, "If she did not believe in God, she would not have experienced these hardships!"
I developed severe depression, and we ended up living together again. She preached the gospel to me, but I cursed her God, believing that my current predicament was because her God "disliked me," with a growing resentment towards God.
One day, while she was listening to a sermon, I overheard, "Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.'" (Ezekiel 33:11)
It seemed like it was time for me to reevaluate my "perspective," but so many things had gone wrong in my life. Would God accept me? I began reading the Bible and saw a variety of imperfect, even unworthy, individuals described in it, yet they were blessed. I should be able to as well.
That night, I prayed for the first time, and surprisingly, it was answered. All the agitation, complaints, sorrow, and self-doubt in my 'chaotic' life and all kinds of negative emotions began to leave me.
I began to rely on prayer; it changed nothing, yet it changed everything. As I delved deeper, I knew that I had to confess. But I worried because, for so many years, I had always refused to recall. Confession requires recollection, and I was genuinely afraid.
After hesitating for a long time, I finally decided to confess. My heart was in turmoil as I attempted to recall the past, but it was not as terrifying or heart-wrenching as I had previously thought. I remembered a quote I had read earlier: 'Christianity is the only religion that can deal with a person's past,' and this turned out to be true.
Confessing is so simple; all you need to do is 'find your way back.' No matter how deeply you have fallen or how messed up your life is, you can cut ties with the past. When you come to Jesus, you can be completely forgiven through His 'once and for all' sacrifice, receive a new heart and a new spirit, and enjoy a beautiful relationship with God.
(The original article is published by the Gospel Times and the author is a Christian from Liaoning.)
- Translated by Nonye Nancy
我母亲很年轻就寡居了，她是个极圣洁的人。她为人温润、谦和、厚道、忠诚，可一生却没有什么朋友。
当然，你做了“蝇营狗苟”的事，她也不指责你，只是一直“分别为圣”。她生活很坎坷而且艰难。有她在，你做一点点不好的事都不自在，不是怕她检举你，只是怕她的明镜照着你。
在信主以前，我从来没因为“我有这样一位母亲”自豪过，相反还为此感到羞愧——她为什么不能“正常”点呢？
于是，我上大学走的远远的——为了逃离“食古不化”的母亲。毕业后我在北京工作，终于可以按照我认为“正常”的路走了！
我决定尽量少和她联系，我开始对自己的身体过于着迷：身材、形象、健康、营养。常常思量：“这么美好的身体，不能受一点点委屈，要及时行乐！”
要享乐就得有钱，好好的赚钱太慢，“马无夜草不肥”嘛！要用点歪门邪道。于是，就在“这样做不会有太大的害处”的自我麻痹中，慢慢的，“人一旦尝试过罪，就会生成错误习惯。良心渐渐泯灭，心也变得越来越刚硬。”
开始几年，我活得“风生水起”，吃过母亲没吃过的；看过她没看过的；玩过她没玩过的；穿过她没穿过的……反正我就是报复性地活，报复我因为“被动”守她的道，而曾经缺乏的一切。
我自我感觉很聪明，因为我经常选对。而我为常常选对，付出的代价就是：极端焦虑、极端没有安全感。
本来我的每一个选择的出发点都是体贴肉体，“什么都能吃，但绝不能吃亏！”可往往结果却是到了最后，不光吃亏了，肉体上还产生了很大的亏损。
我想母亲了，想给她打电话，联系一下她，见见她。想了想我终于还是放弃了。我认为她有一种“特质”，特别能吸引“霉运”，而且还是“倒大霉”。
我不信她的神，一听说“我是罪人，我受罪的辖制，只有主内有真平安、真自由”，我就火了。现在我不自由吗？！信主了，这也不能干、那也不能干，才是没有了自由！甚至我还固执的认为：“她如果不信神，不会有这些苦难！”
我得了严重的抑郁症，我们又生活在一起了，她对我传福音，我诅咒她的神——认为我落到这步田地，都是她的神“看我不顺眼”害的，于是越发憎恶神。
直到有一天，她听道的时候，我无意中听到“你对他们说，主耶和华说：我指着我的永生起誓，我断不喜悦恶人死亡，惟喜悦恶人转离所行的道而活。”（以西结书 33:11）
看来我是应该重新捋捋我的“三观”了，可我的生命已经是这么不堪了，神会接纳我吗？我开始读《圣经》，看到里面记述的各种不完美，甚至是不堪的人，他们都能蒙祝福，应该我也能。
那天晚上我第一次祷告，竟然真的，因为生活“一地鸡毛”的焦躁、抱怨、忧伤、自卑……各种不好的心情都开始远离我……
我开始对祷告有了依赖：祷告什么都没改变，却什么都改变了……随着深入了解，我知道了必须要认罪。但是我发愁了，这么多年了我始终拒绝回忆。认罪就必须回忆，我真的害怕呀！
犹豫了很长时间，我终于决定认罪。我心里七上八下地尝试着回忆过去，没有我之前以为的那么可怕、那么痛彻心扉。我想起了之前读过的一段话，“基督教是唯一能对付人的过去的宗教”，这是真的。
原来认罪这么简单，你仅仅需要“回头”就好。无论你堕落得多深，把生活搞得多糟，你都可以和过去决绝。来到耶稣这里，你就可以靠着耶稣那“一次永远”的祭被完全赦免；得到一颗新心与一个新灵，并与神享受美好的关系。
注：本文为特约/自由撰稿人文章，作者系辽宁一名基督徒。
我信了母亲的神
My mother became a widow at a very young age, yet she remained an exceptionally virtuous person. She was gentle, meek, generous, and loyal, with few friends.
Of course, even when you did anything immoral, she would not blame you; she simply maintained her commitment to living a holy life. Her life was challenging and full of hardships. In her presence, even the slightest wrongdoing made you uneasy—not out of fear that she would report you, but because you dreaded her discerning gaze.
Before embracing Christianity, I had never felt proud of having such a mother. On the contrary, I felt ashamed—why could she not be more "normal"?
So, I went far away for college, intending to escape the influence of my "old-fashioned" mother. After graduation, I worked in Beijing, able to follow what I considered a "normal" path.
I decided to minimize contact with her as much as possible. I became obsessed with my figure and appearance, seeking health and nutrition. I often thought, "Such a wonderful body should not endure the slightest discomfort; I should make merry while I can!"
To enjoy life, we need money, but earning it the right way takes time. "No night grass, no fat horses." You have to use some unconventional methods." So, in the process of thinking, "Doing this will not cause too much harm," slowly, "Once a person sins, they develop harmful habits. Their conscience gradually dies, and the heart becomes increasingly hardened."
In the initial years, I lived a "carefree" life, indulging in things my mother hadn't done, eating what she had not, experiencing what she had not seen, playing in ways she had not played, and wearing what she had not worn. In essence, I was living vindictively, retaliating against the "passive" adherence to her principles that had once deprived me of varied experiences..
I felt very smart because I often made the "right choices." However, the price I paid for frequently making the "right choices" was extreme anxiety and a profound sense of insecurity.
Originally, I made every choice intended to cater to my flesh, thinking, "I can indulge in anything, but I must never suffer a loss!" However, the outcome often turned out to be that, in the end, not only did I suffer losses, but there was also significant harm to my physical well-being.
Then, I missed my mother and wanted to call her, reach out, and see her. After some contemplation, I finally gave up. I believed she had a "characteristic" that particularly attracted misfortune," which was "terrible luck."
I did not believe in her God, and the moment I heard, "I am a sinner, under the dominion of sin, but only in the Lord is there true peace and true freedom," I became upset. Am I not free now?! Becoming a Christian and not being able to do things as I please makes me feel like I have lost my freedom! I even stubbornly believed, "If she did not believe in God, she would not have experienced these hardships!"
I developed severe depression, and we ended up living together again. She preached the gospel to me, but I cursed her God, believing that my current predicament was because her God "disliked me," with a growing resentment towards God.
One day, while she was listening to a sermon, I overheard, "Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.'" (Ezekiel 33:11)
It seemed like it was time for me to reevaluate my "perspective," but so many things had gone wrong in my life. Would God accept me? I began reading the Bible and saw a variety of imperfect, even unworthy, individuals described in it, yet they were blessed. I should be able to as well.
That night, I prayed for the first time, and surprisingly, it was answered. All the agitation, complaints, sorrow, and self-doubt in my 'chaotic' life and all kinds of negative emotions began to leave me.
I began to rely on prayer; it changed nothing, yet it changed everything. As I delved deeper, I knew that I had to confess. But I worried because, for so many years, I had always refused to recall. Confession requires recollection, and I was genuinely afraid.
After hesitating for a long time, I finally decided to confess. My heart was in turmoil as I attempted to recall the past, but it was not as terrifying or heart-wrenching as I had previously thought. I remembered a quote I had read earlier: 'Christianity is the only religion that can deal with a person's past,' and this turned out to be true.
Confessing is so simple; all you need to do is 'find your way back.' No matter how deeply you have fallen or how messed up your life is, you can cut ties with the past. When you come to Jesus, you can be completely forgiven through His 'once and for all' sacrifice, receive a new heart and a new spirit, and enjoy a beautiful relationship with God.
(The original article is published by the Gospel Times and the author is a Christian from Liaoning.)
- Translated by Nonye Nancy
I Embrace My Mother's Faith
