On April 25th, psychologist Wang Xuefu was invited to give a seminar titled “Analyzing the Current Marriage Dilemma from a Psychological Perspective.”
Dr. Wang, the founder of Zhimian Institute For Counseling and Psychotherapy, Nanjing, holds a Ph.D. in literature from Nanjing University and a Master of Psychology and Counseling from Andover Newton Theological School in the U.S. He was given the Charlotte and Karl Buhler Award for 2013 by the American Psychological Association and has authored books including The Wounded, The Road to Growth, and Healing Heart.
During his seminar, Dr. Wang said that the Song of Songs in the Bible discusses the romance between King Solomon and Shulammite and even goes so far as to describe the body and sex. However, in his opinion, this book is selected for the Bible because it symbolizes the intimate relationship between God and man, just like the love between King Solomon and Shulammite, which makes people intoxicated and intimate.
He talked about the phenomenon of young people who like to keep pets instead of falling in love. First of all, he affirmed that young people like to keep pets on the good side, that is, the close relationship between people and pets can bring intimate emotional satisfaction to human beings and help them learn intimate expressions from animals. However, what is worrying is that when a person has been in contact with pets for a long time, they may be disappointed and lose confidence in others. That even affects the person’s love for humans. “Because it is easy to get emotional satisfaction from animals, it takes a difficult process to get emotional satisfaction from people. It is difficult for people to establish relationships because they come from different cultures. Their growth experiences, environments, education, and lives are different. They need to run into each other and conflict, and finally seek solutions to reach a harmonious relationship.”
He explained, “Some have suggested that contemporary society struggles to love other humans, leading to an increase in affection for animals who are considered inferior beings. To some extent, it can be said to be correct. However, in the current era, loneliness is pervasive as people fail to connect with one another on a meaningful level, resulting in love becoming an increasingly challenging pursuit."
During a Q&A session, one participant posed the question, “Why do many young people avoid marriage, evade responsibility, and neglect their personal development?”
Wang replied, “Many young people feel very tired when they grow up all the way, and they have the pressure of study, work, and survival. Some people feel that love and marriage are also very tiring because what they get from their parents is a negative blueprint for marriage. Their parents are quarrelsome and indifferent to each other, with many conflicts. Their lives are anxious and tiring. The young will ask themselves ‘Why do I want such a marriage?’ Young people’s reluctance to have children may also be related to their own growth experiences. They think like this: ‘I was used to being a child; my growth was used to be unhappy; I used to have academic and work pressure.’ They don’t want their children to have the same experience.”
“Many young people really avoid marriage and parenthood due to the difficulties of this era. We should not solely blame them. Instead, we must provide guidance on how to cultivate fulfilling marriages and raise well-adjusted children.,” he adds.
Another question is: “How to help children regain their confidence when they are hurt in love?” His suggestion is that “love encounters trauma and needs healing.”
In response to another question about helping children overcome heartbreak, he suggested, "Emotional wounds require healing, but it is crucial to approach this process with patience. Rushing to mitigate the trauma can aggravate the situation by suppressing the child's feelings. It is also essential to avoid over-comforting the child as too much comfort may have a numbing effect that could ultimately weaken them. Instead, encourage them to remain social and engage in activities such as friendship and work. As they interact more with society, new opportunities will emerge, and their emotional wounds will gradually heal.”
When asked about men who struggle with emotional maturity even in their 50s, Dr. Wang answered, "This is a phenomenon that is forming in this era: women are mentally mature, but men are mentally immature and even naive, for example, saving face, not good at learning, not reflecting, being stubborn and old-fashioned. This means that it is difficult for many women to find men who are as mature as they are mentally. The high divorce rate in modern times is due to the fact that it is women who choose divorce, not traditional men. Traditionally, women were dependent on men, but now women can be economically independent and so choose to divorce. However, women who choose to divorce will be at a greater loss for an independent, high-quality life and self-sensitivity based on their own wishes"
A participant asks, “What should be done if it is difficult for men to grow up in marriage as some people are still naive at the age of 50?” He answered, “There is a concerning trend in contemporary society of women exhibiting greater mental maturity than men who remain naive and inexperienced. This disparity manifests in behaviors such as saving face, an unwillingness to learn, and being set in old-fashioned ways. Consequently, it has become challenging for women to find male partners who exhibit similar levels of emotional maturity. The increasing divorce rates are attributable to women choosing to end their marriages, rather than traditional male-female dynamics. Historically, women were reliant on men, but with the advent of economic independence, women have gained the autonomy to initiate divorces. However, women who decide to divorce may experience a loss of certain benefits of marriage, including self-sensitivity and high-quality life based on their own desires.”
"While some suggest that women's many responsibilities cause men to appear naive, this is only one contributing factor. Men's emotional immaturity stems from cultural and social factors that fail to educate and cultivate them properly. In certain families, mothers are primarily responsible for raising boys, resulting in fathers lacking participation in their sons' upbringing. However, fathers serve as crucial role models for their sons. Additionally, male characteristics are often underrepresented in the primary and junior high school curricula where female teachers predominate, leading to missed opportunities for boys' growth and development. Despite girls' superiority in intellectual and physical aspects, some boys may be late-maturing, which leads to difficulties in their growth. Moreover, some families show a preference for sons over daughters, resulting in the overindulgence of boys and restricted development of independence. These are several causes of men's emotional immaturity."
Some participants also asked, “My family urges me to date someone, and a colleague of mine is not bad, but my sister disagrees, saying that if I marry him, she will cut off the relationship with me.”
He replied, “If you find yourself genuinely in love with this person and decide to marry them, it is likely that your sister will eventually change her attitude toward him. It is unlikely that she will truly cut you off from her life, as this kind of disownment is backward and demonstrates a desire to force and control others. You have done nothing wrong by choosing someone who makes you happy, but your sister does something wrong."
“And choosing partners with whom to fall in love and get married is ultimately your business. Although your sister expresses concerns, you are the one who must live with this person for the rest of your life. It is up to you to decide if this individual is worth both the good and bad aspects of their personality. Therefore, you must make the decision and accept the consequences of your actions."
- Translated by Charlie Li
4月25日，心理学家王学富被邀在网络上以“从心理学角度剖析当下婚姻困境”为题进行了讲座分享。
王学富，南京直面心理咨询研究所创始人，中国本土直面取向的心理学方法创导人。2013年荣获美国心理学会（APA）人本主义心理学会“夏洛蒂和卡尔·布勒奖”。 著有《直面者说》《受伤的人》《医治的心》《成长的路》等书。
他讲道，许多人读圣经中的雅歌书觉得很奇怪，因为这卷书谈的是所罗门王和书拉密女的男女爱情，甚至有对身体和性的描述。但是，他认为，这卷书之所以被选入到圣经里面，是因为它象征着上帝和人之间的亲密关系，就像所罗门王和书拉密女的爱情一样，让人沉醉、亲密无间。
他谈到年轻人喜欢养宠物而不谈恋爱的现象，首先，他肯定了年轻人喜欢养宠物有好的一面，就是人和宠物之间建立的亲密关系，可以给人类带来亲密的情感满足，并且可以跟动物学习亲密表达。但让人担忧的是，当一个人和宠物接触久了，他可能会对人失望和失去信心，甚至影响和人类恋爱。“因为从动物获得的情感满足很容易，但从人身上需要经历艰难的过程才能获得情感的满足。人和人建立关系很难，因为他们来自不同的文化、成长的过程和环境、教育、人生经历都不同，需要磨合、冲突，最终寻求解决方法，达成和谐的关系。”
他解释：“有人说‘现在的人越来越没有能力爱一个人，就把自己的爱降低到爱比自己低等的动物身上。’一方面可以这样说，另一方面在当今的时代，人非常孤独，人和人的相处变少了，恋爱也变成很难的事情了。”
当参与者问道： “很多年轻人不愿意结婚，很大的原因是不愿意面对现实、逃避责任、不愿长大，怎么看这个问题？
王回答说：“很多年轻人一路成长过来觉得很累，有学业、工作和生存的压力等等。有的人觉得恋爱和婚姻也很累，因为他们从父母那里获得的是负面的婚姻蓝本。他们的父母是争吵的、彼此是冷漠的、有很多的冲突、他们的人生是焦虑的、疲累的，那为什么我要这样的婚姻？年轻人不愿意生孩子也可能和自己的成长经历有关，他们觉得我曾经是个孩子，曾经我的成长不快乐，有学业的压力，工作的压力等等，他们不愿意孩子有同样的经历。”
“很多年轻人确实逃避婚姻、不愿意生孩子，但是我们不能只是指责他们，因为他们在这个时代生活很艰难。所以要帮助他们了解怎么建立好的婚姻，养育好的孩子，”他补充道。
当问到“孩子恋爱受伤了，怎么帮助孩子重拾信心？”，他的建议是“恋爱遭遇创伤需要疗愈。”
“疗愈需要过程，如果只是讲道理，或者过于急切让孩子从创伤里走出来，反而会加重创伤。孩子也可能自责，因为伤痛在内心是真实的，讲很多道理，反而会压制创伤不能按照自己的节奏和方式疗愈。受伤的人得到过多的安慰也不太好，因为安慰里也有类似于麻醉、催眠的东西，可能让他慢慢变得弱。不要因为孩子受伤就让他和社会隔离，要多跟人打交道。有和朋友的交往、友情的满足、工作等这些存在，即使有创伤也会慢慢愈合，因为在和社会的接触中，会遇到新的机会。”
当被问及“婚姻中男士成长很难怎么办，有人50岁了还很幼稚？”他的回答是：“这是这个时代正在形成的一个现象：女性在心智上成熟，但是男性在心智上不成熟，甚至幼稚。比如爱面子、不善于学习、不会反思、顽固、守旧等等。这意味着很多女性很难找到在心智上跟他们一样成熟的男性。现代离婚率高是女性选择离婚，不是传统的男性选择离婚。从传统上看是女性依存于男性，但现在女性可以经济独立，可以选择离婚。然而女性选择离婚，按照自己的心愿独立活出自己的品质和自我，付出的代价会更大一些。”
“有人觉得是因为‘女性管的事情太多，所以男性看起来比较幼稚。’这是原因之一，但是男性的幼稚来自于没有培育和教育男性的意识和文化。有的家庭生了男孩之后，是妈妈在养育，父亲对孩子的成长缺少参与，但是爸爸是男孩的角色榜样；而且在男孩长大的过程中，从幼儿园、小学、初中，很多老师都是女老师，男孩的男性特征很少；女孩子在身体、智力方面占优势，男孩某些部分晚熟，成熟的时候机会已经错失，这让男孩在成长中面对很多麻烦；有的家庭有重男轻女的观念，男孩被过度宠溺，反而在人生的发展中非常受限制，以至于独立都是问题。背后的原因有很多。”
有参与者还问，“家人催我找对象，现在认识的同事还不错，但是姐姐不同意，说我和他结婚的话，就和我断绝来往？”
他回答说：“我个人的理解，你真的和这个人恋爱结婚的话，最终改变态度的是你姐姐，她不会真的和你断绝关系。如果姐姐真的和你断绝关系，那这个姐姐的文化很落后，甚至想强求、控制别人。你没做错，是你姐姐做错了。”
“并且选择人恋爱、结婚，最终是你的事情。虽然姐姐表达了关心，但是最终选择和这个人度过一生的是你，这个人好的地方是你要享受他的好，不好的地方也是你要承受的，因此你自己要做这个选择，并为此承担后果。”
讲座| 心理学家王学富：从心理学角度剖析当下婚姻困境
On April 25th, psychologist Wang Xuefu was invited to give a seminar titled “Analyzing the Current Marriage Dilemma from a Psychological Perspective.”
Dr. Wang, the founder of Zhimian Institute For Counseling and Psychotherapy, Nanjing, holds a Ph.D. in literature from Nanjing University and a Master of Psychology and Counseling from Andover Newton Theological School in the U.S. He was given the Charlotte and Karl Buhler Award for 2013 by the American Psychological Association and has authored books including The Wounded, The Road to Growth, and Healing Heart.
During his seminar, Dr. Wang said that the Song of Songs in the Bible discusses the romance between King Solomon and Shulammite and even goes so far as to describe the body and sex. However, in his opinion, this book is selected for the Bible because it symbolizes the intimate relationship between God and man, just like the love between King Solomon and Shulammite, which makes people intoxicated and intimate.
He talked about the phenomenon of young people who like to keep pets instead of falling in love. First of all, he affirmed that young people like to keep pets on the good side, that is, the close relationship between people and pets can bring intimate emotional satisfaction to human beings and help them learn intimate expressions from animals. However, what is worrying is that when a person has been in contact with pets for a long time, they may be disappointed and lose confidence in others. That even affects the person’s love for humans. “Because it is easy to get emotional satisfaction from animals, it takes a difficult process to get emotional satisfaction from people. It is difficult for people to establish relationships because they come from different cultures. Their growth experiences, environments, education, and lives are different. They need to run into each other and conflict, and finally seek solutions to reach a harmonious relationship.”
He explained, “Some have suggested that contemporary society struggles to love other humans, leading to an increase in affection for animals who are considered inferior beings. To some extent, it can be said to be correct. However, in the current era, loneliness is pervasive as people fail to connect with one another on a meaningful level, resulting in love becoming an increasingly challenging pursuit."
During a Q&A session, one participant posed the question, “Why do many young people avoid marriage, evade responsibility, and neglect their personal development?”
Wang replied, “Many young people feel very tired when they grow up all the way, and they have the pressure of study, work, and survival. Some people feel that love and marriage are also very tiring because what they get from their parents is a negative blueprint for marriage. Their parents are quarrelsome and indifferent to each other, with many conflicts. Their lives are anxious and tiring. The young will ask themselves ‘Why do I want such a marriage?’ Young people’s reluctance to have children may also be related to their own growth experiences. They think like this: ‘I was used to being a child; my growth was used to be unhappy; I used to have academic and work pressure.’ They don’t want their children to have the same experience.”
“Many young people really avoid marriage and parenthood due to the difficulties of this era. We should not solely blame them. Instead, we must provide guidance on how to cultivate fulfilling marriages and raise well-adjusted children.,” he adds.
Another question is: “How to help children regain their confidence when they are hurt in love?” His suggestion is that “love encounters trauma and needs healing.”
In response to another question about helping children overcome heartbreak, he suggested, "Emotional wounds require healing, but it is crucial to approach this process with patience. Rushing to mitigate the trauma can aggravate the situation by suppressing the child's feelings. It is also essential to avoid over-comforting the child as too much comfort may have a numbing effect that could ultimately weaken them. Instead, encourage them to remain social and engage in activities such as friendship and work. As they interact more with society, new opportunities will emerge, and their emotional wounds will gradually heal.”
When asked about men who struggle with emotional maturity even in their 50s, Dr. Wang answered, "This is a phenomenon that is forming in this era: women are mentally mature, but men are mentally immature and even naive, for example, saving face, not good at learning, not reflecting, being stubborn and old-fashioned. This means that it is difficult for many women to find men who are as mature as they are mentally. The high divorce rate in modern times is due to the fact that it is women who choose divorce, not traditional men. Traditionally, women were dependent on men, but now women can be economically independent and so choose to divorce. However, women who choose to divorce will be at a greater loss for an independent, high-quality life and self-sensitivity based on their own wishes"
A participant asks, “What should be done if it is difficult for men to grow up in marriage as some people are still naive at the age of 50?” He answered, “There is a concerning trend in contemporary society of women exhibiting greater mental maturity than men who remain naive and inexperienced. This disparity manifests in behaviors such as saving face, an unwillingness to learn, and being set in old-fashioned ways. Consequently, it has become challenging for women to find male partners who exhibit similar levels of emotional maturity. The increasing divorce rates are attributable to women choosing to end their marriages, rather than traditional male-female dynamics. Historically, women were reliant on men, but with the advent of economic independence, women have gained the autonomy to initiate divorces. However, women who decide to divorce may experience a loss of certain benefits of marriage, including self-sensitivity and high-quality life based on their own desires.”
"While some suggest that women's many responsibilities cause men to appear naive, this is only one contributing factor. Men's emotional immaturity stems from cultural and social factors that fail to educate and cultivate them properly. In certain families, mothers are primarily responsible for raising boys, resulting in fathers lacking participation in their sons' upbringing. However, fathers serve as crucial role models for their sons. Additionally, male characteristics are often underrepresented in the primary and junior high school curricula where female teachers predominate, leading to missed opportunities for boys' growth and development. Despite girls' superiority in intellectual and physical aspects, some boys may be late-maturing, which leads to difficulties in their growth. Moreover, some families show a preference for sons over daughters, resulting in the overindulgence of boys and restricted development of independence. These are several causes of men's emotional immaturity."
Some participants also asked, “My family urges me to date someone, and a colleague of mine is not bad, but my sister disagrees, saying that if I marry him, she will cut off the relationship with me.”
He replied, “If you find yourself genuinely in love with this person and decide to marry them, it is likely that your sister will eventually change her attitude toward him. It is unlikely that she will truly cut you off from her life, as this kind of disownment is backward and demonstrates a desire to force and control others. You have done nothing wrong by choosing someone who makes you happy, but your sister does something wrong."
“And choosing partners with whom to fall in love and get married is ultimately your business. Although your sister expresses concerns, you are the one who must live with this person for the rest of your life. It is up to you to decide if this individual is worth both the good and bad aspects of their personality. Therefore, you must make the decision and accept the consequences of your actions."
- Translated by Charlie Li
Dr. Wang Xuefu Analyzes Current Marriage Dilemma from Psychological Perspective
