Dr. Wang Xuefu, a famous Christian psychologist was invited to share a psychology lecture on the topic "Marriage, Family and Children's Education."
"I am my child's family of origin", Dr. Wang Xuefu said, "Knowing it is very important."
On April 17, the director of Nanjing Straightforward Counseling Institute talked about how we as parents need to realize that only if we change ourselves and create a better family culture environment for our children can we help them grow up better and get rid of fetters from families of origin.
During the lecture, Dr. Wang shared the major types of pastoral counseling, family systems theory in psychology and other theories related to children's education, and explained how these theories are applied in practice with his more than twenty years of counseling experience.
In particular, he talked about the famous attachment concept in family systems theory, which he believed was ignored in the Chinese culture.
"After a child is born, he becomes independent while being attached to his parents. When a child has a good attachment with his parents, he can have confidence and security, and he can develop the ability to be trusted by others. It's easy to feel insecure when he doesn't get fully attached to his mom early on. We have not fully appreciated this in our past culture."
He added that it was a common phenomenon in today's society to let children leave home at a very young age, such as leaving them in full daycare or at home with their grandparents as left-behind children. These led to many derivative problems with far-reaching effects that could subvert the foundation of our society's psychological personality from generation to generation.
Dr. Wang went on to talk about the family genealogy chart in family systems theory, and how we were influenced by our parents and we influenced our children, therefore it was necessary for us to know how to build a good family ecology, and this started with parents who first knew how to change themselves.
He also mentioned that we needed to treat the child as an individual, first and foremost, no matter how young he/she was.
"We often think that a child is very young and doesn't know anything yet, therefore we judge him/her as we please in front of him/her, whether he/she is two years old, three years old, five years old, ten years old, and still think he/she knows nothing," he said. These labels could have a negative impact on the child.
During the Q&A session, the audience was most concerned about how to raise children in a way that is beneficial to them. In the face of all kinds of questions about child upbringing, he summarized four suggestions for better child-rearing based on his years of observation and counseling.
Asked whether a child should have two to three friends at each stage, intimate interactions and relationships, and enjoyment of playing, which would give children ample experience in building relationships with peers, help children develop the wisdom, joy, and satisfaction to cope with a variety of relationships.
A participant raised another question, "Does the child acquire adequate understanding and gain support in an emotional sense from his parents? Does he/she have an awareness of rules and developmental rules? Does he or she understand the ways of the world and established values?"
"Your relationship with the world is your relationship with your parents," Wang said. "Children's feelings are very sensitive as they are growing up. If parents just do a lot of things for their children and always take care of them physically, but the child does not feel in his heart that parents care more about him or her, it only increases his/her guilt and does not help the child grow up well."
Regarding whether a child should read extensively beyond the textbook and curriculum, he responed that sometimes, children were learning textbooks just to cope with the test, but reading could help develop their independent thinking skills, cultivate their temperament, expand their minds, and so on. Therefore, it was important for your child to develop the habit of reading as early as possible to broaden his or her horizons.
"When a child works hard for an interest and tries to make it little by little, the child will constantly experience the pride that comes from the interest, thus developing the child's self-confidence," he claimed.
"What do children easily inherit from their parents? Some people answered 'habits', others thought it was 'temper', while others said it should be 'temperament'," Dr. Wang concluded, "Children inherit what they know best from their parents, which means if you want to pass on something to your child, you make it the most familiar to them."
- Translated by Wylie Sun
2021年4月，著名心理专家、南京直面心理咨询研究所所长、基督徒王学富博士受邀分享了专题为《婚姻家庭与子女教育》的心理学讲座。
“我是我孩子的原声家庭。” 王学富博士说：“这一点非常的重要。”
他说到，我们作为父母需要意识到，只有当我们作为父母的人改变自己，为孩子创造更好的家庭文化环境，才能帮助孩子更好的成长，摆脱原生家庭的束缚。
当天的讲座中，王博士分享了教牧辅导的几大种类、心理学中的家庭系统理论等与子女教育相关的理论，并以他二十多年的心理咨询经验向大家解释说明了这些理论的实际应用是怎样的。
他特别谈到家庭系统理论里面著名的依恋理论，他认为依恋观念是我们文化里面忽略的。“在我们过去的文化里面没有很好的体会这个。小孩生下来之后，通过依恋爸爸妈妈走向独立。孩子和父母建立好的依恋关系，他能具备自信和安全感，他能发展出被他人信任的能力。早期和妈妈没有受到充分的依恋，很容易没有安全感。”王博士说到，时下社会一个很普遍的现象是把孩子早早的送出去，比如交给全托，或者把孩子放在老家、跟着爷爷奶奶做留守儿童等，这些会导致许多衍生的问题，影响深远，会颠覆我们这个社会一代一代心理人格的基础。
王博士继续谈到家庭系统理论里面的家庭族谱图，谈到我们被我们的父母影响，我们也会影响我们的子女，所以需要知建立好的家庭生态，这首先从父母要首先懂得改变自己开始。
他也提到了我们首先要把孩子当成一个个体，一个人，无论是多小的孩子。“我们常常觉得孩子很小还不懂事，所以在他/她面前就说这个孩子这样，那样，他/她已经两岁了，三岁了，五岁了，十岁了，还觉得他/她不懂事，还这样说。”这些标签会对孩子造成影响。
现场问答环节，听众们最关心的是怎样教养孩子才是对孩子有益处的呢？在面对大家提出的形形色色关于孩子教养问题时，王学富博士根据他多年的观察和辅导，总结出的怎样更好教养孩子的4点建议：
1. 孩子在成长过程中的每个阶段是否有2-3个朋友？
亲密的互动和关系、享受玩耍的乐趣，这些会让孩子有充分的经验和同伴发展、建立关系，这能帮助孩子发展出应对各种关系的智谋、快乐和满足。
2.孩子是否从父母身上获得充分的情感意义上的理解和支持？是否有对规则和发展规则的意识？是否有懂得人情事故、并建立了价值观？
“你和世界的关系，就是你和你父母的关系。”小孩子成长过程中的感受是很敏感。如果父母只是为孩子做了很多事情，一直在照顾，但是孩子内心却没有感受到你多关心他，这只会增加他/她的愧疚感，并不能帮助孩子很好的成长。
3.除了教材和课程，孩子是否有广泛的阅读？
有时，孩子在学习教材就只是为了应付考试，但是阅读可以帮助培养孩子的独立思考能力、陶冶性情、拓展思路等等。古语说：“开卷有益”。因此，要让孩子尽早养成阅读的习惯、增广见闻。
4.孩子是否发展特别的兴趣？
当孩子为了兴趣而努力、一点点试图做成时，孩子会不断地体会从兴趣而来的自豪，从而培养孩子的自信心。
在答疑环节中，王学富博士也提出问题让大家进行思考：“孩子容易承传父母的什么？”现场有人回答说是“习惯”，有的人则觉得是“脾气”，还有的人说应该是“气质”等五花八门的答案。
“你们说的都对。”王学富博士总结说：“小孩子从父母身上承传他们最熟悉的东西。这一点的意义在于，你如果需要孩子承传什么，你就把什么变成孩子最熟悉的。”
特写-心理学家王学富博士分享父母更好教养孩子的四点建议
Dr. Wang Xuefu, a famous Christian psychologist was invited to share a psychology lecture on the topic "Marriage, Family and Children's Education."
"I am my child's family of origin", Dr. Wang Xuefu said, "Knowing it is very important."
On April 17, the director of Nanjing Straightforward Counseling Institute talked about how we as parents need to realize that only if we change ourselves and create a better family culture environment for our children can we help them grow up better and get rid of fetters from families of origin.
During the lecture, Dr. Wang shared the major types of pastoral counseling, family systems theory in psychology and other theories related to children's education, and explained how these theories are applied in practice with his more than twenty years of counseling experience.
In particular, he talked about the famous attachment concept in family systems theory, which he believed was ignored in the Chinese culture.
"After a child is born, he becomes independent while being attached to his parents. When a child has a good attachment with his parents, he can have confidence and security, and he can develop the ability to be trusted by others. It's easy to feel insecure when he doesn't get fully attached to his mom early on. We have not fully appreciated this in our past culture."
He added that it was a common phenomenon in today's society to let children leave home at a very young age, such as leaving them in full daycare or at home with their grandparents as left-behind children. These led to many derivative problems with far-reaching effects that could subvert the foundation of our society's psychological personality from generation to generation.
Dr. Wang went on to talk about the family genealogy chart in family systems theory, and how we were influenced by our parents and we influenced our children, therefore it was necessary for us to know how to build a good family ecology, and this started with parents who first knew how to change themselves.
He also mentioned that we needed to treat the child as an individual, first and foremost, no matter how young he/she was.
"We often think that a child is very young and doesn't know anything yet, therefore we judge him/her as we please in front of him/her, whether he/she is two years old, three years old, five years old, ten years old, and still think he/she knows nothing," he said. These labels could have a negative impact on the child.
During the Q&A session, the audience was most concerned about how to raise children in a way that is beneficial to them. In the face of all kinds of questions about child upbringing, he summarized four suggestions for better child-rearing based on his years of observation and counseling.
Asked whether a child should have two to three friends at each stage, intimate interactions and relationships, and enjoyment of playing, which would give children ample experience in building relationships with peers, help children develop the wisdom, joy, and satisfaction to cope with a variety of relationships.
A participant raised another question, "Does the child acquire adequate understanding and gain support in an emotional sense from his parents? Does he/she have an awareness of rules and developmental rules? Does he or she understand the ways of the world and established values?"
"Your relationship with the world is your relationship with your parents," Wang said. "Children's feelings are very sensitive as they are growing up. If parents just do a lot of things for their children and always take care of them physically, but the child does not feel in his heart that parents care more about him or her, it only increases his/her guilt and does not help the child grow up well."
Regarding whether a child should read extensively beyond the textbook and curriculum, he responed that sometimes, children were learning textbooks just to cope with the test, but reading could help develop their independent thinking skills, cultivate their temperament, expand their minds, and so on. Therefore, it was important for your child to develop the habit of reading as early as possible to broaden his or her horizons.
"When a child works hard for an interest and tries to make it little by little, the child will constantly experience the pride that comes from the interest, thus developing the child's self-confidence," he claimed.
"What do children easily inherit from their parents? Some people answered 'habits', others thought it was 'temper', while others said it should be 'temperament'," Dr. Wang concluded, "Children inherit what they know best from their parents, which means if you want to pass on something to your child, you make it the most familiar to them."
- Translated by Wylie Sun
Christian Psychologist Shares Four Tips for Parenting
