Recently, the news that a three-month-old baby died while sleeping face down caused widespread concern on the Internet.
On the afternoon of April 16, a new mother sought help from a for-profit sleep guidance group because her child cried when sleeping face down. Someone in the group replied, "it's okay if the baby does not cry too hard." Following this advice, this mother stayed at the door of the bedroom when her baby was crying while lying on its stomach. She felt anxious but did not check to see that the baby was fine. After about two hours, when the mother went to feed her baby, she found that it was dead.
Reports are that the mother ordered a for-profit online course and joined the group taking the course in March. The organization that provided the course proposed a theory of infant sleep which suggested that a baby experiences a period of “rolling-over regression” when it is several months old. In this period, a baby rolls over on its stomach when it is asleep. When the baby learns to sleep face down, it has passed the regression period.
It is a big challenge for a new mother to calm a baby when it is wakened and cries. Organizations providing “sleep training” noticed these mothers’ needs and claimed that they could solve their problems.
Many couples turn into parents before they are ready. They may easily become victims of unprofessional services.
Christian Times, a Shanghai-based Chinese Christian newspaper, invited a Christian mother who came back from overseas to share her opinions with us. She has been working in the field of education for years and often organized study groups for parents.
Christian Times: What came into your mind when saw this news?
Ms. Zhang: I felt really sad and sorry for the victims. I condemn it and consider it is hateful that they, in the guise of parenting, cheated mothers with what they thought was right.
Why do so many mothers believe them? That is my question.
There are so many ideas on parenting now. Some of them are in conflict with each other. So, what ideas should we follow and what should we not follow? I don’t think there is an absolutely right answer, because every child is different. We should treat our children with love. Whatever we do should be based on the physical and psychological well-being of children. Without health and life, parenting loses its purpose.
Christian Times: What do you think of infant sleep training?
Ms. Zhang: I have three kids. When my eldest was a little baby, I tried to let it sleep alone. But I failed after two months. I think infants can sleep for the whole night, but their sleep cycles can be different. We don’t have to train them on purpose. What a mother can do is to stay with her baby. It is more tiring, but you have to be committed if you want to raise a child. Try not to think that you can have an easier time by training your baby to sleep.
It’s good if there are methods and suggestions on how to make a mother and her child feel more comfortable. But you should never try to train your baby just to make parenting easy. Don’t do things that are bad for children’s health.
Christian Times: There are various parenting methods on the market. The more the new parents learn, the more they feel confused. But they want to know more for the good of their children. So how do parents make wise choices and what is the best way to learn?
Ms. Zhang: I think they should learn about parenting. Before we do a job, we need training. However, there is no training course before one becomes a parent. So there is much that needs to be learned. But what and how to learn? We need to know that.
Every child is an independent individual. Parents should not put everything that is related to their children on their own shoulders. That could make parents very nervous. Issues like the sleep habits of a child should sleep and how to become excellent. Many parents devote too much time, energy and money to nurturing children. Their motivation is good. However, in many circumstances, their devotion cannot overcome the nervousness and stress they feel and they usually end up with bad results.
Instead of cramming knowledge into children’s minds, parents should give them security and care. Feed them when they are hungry. Stay with them when they play. These little things are important. Security and company are very important for kids under three years old. Then try to let them learn to sleep and wake up on time, eat healthy food, and express themselves verbally. These are also important, but try to take your time.
Parents should guide their children and teach them how to express themselves. When children feel secure and protected by their parents, they are able to naturally form good daily habits.
Christian Times: There are too many parenting theories on the market. So, what are the basic parenting principles that should be followed?
Ms. Zhang: Parents are naturally bonded with their children by love. The answer of how to love your children comes from God, the origin of life. Love asks for no benefits but is patient. Love is for the happiness of those who are loved. We should learn to accept our children unconditionally, though it may be very challenging to do so, rather than measure them according to their performance, abilities, achievements, and looks.
To love in the right way is the basic principle, but methods also matter. For instance, a baby can sleep in many ways, rather than just in the face-down position. Try not to find a shortcut while they are growing up. Love demands devotion.
A new mother usually gets nervous when she faces a newborn baby. She and her husband may go through a lot of information on parenting and join some groups in order to improve their parenting skills. That is good, but they need to also be discerning. If the method you choose makes you and your kids suffer, you need to reconsider if it is really the right one for you.
Life is very precious. Mothers have a special bond with their children. Their strong relationship should not be manipulated by unprofessional parenting organizations.
Christian Times: Would you please share your experiments with mothers?
Ms. Zhang: I think love is the starting point of parenting. We should accept our children unconditionally, express our love to them and let them understand that their parents will always love them no matter what they do, what mistakes they make, or when they fail.
When they know that they are accepted by their parents, they feel secure and know that they are a priceless treasure to their parents. They know that they are precious not because of their performance, but for who they are. Parents love them, just because they are their parents’ children.
Many times, we think that we accept them for who they are, but the acceptance is actually conditional and based on their performance.
Acceptance is the premise of developing a good relationship with children, and appreciation is the cornerstone. Acceptance makes them feel valued and secure and appreciation make them feel confident. We should let children know that they are important and that parents want to stay with them and are proud of them.
We should not focus on what they don’t do well and what they need to change, but find the merits that we appreciate.
The next thing is care. This seems very normal because we all care about our children. The point is that some parents are not good at expressing their care to their children. Actually, children never feel that they receive too much care. They need to feel they are loved by parents. We can hug them more often. For infants, we can touch them more often. When they grow older, we can hug them, pat their shoulders or stroke their backs. Verbally, we can express our care by telling them how much we love them. They never get tired of that.
Maybe some parents feel awkward doing this, but try to practice it, because love needs to be expressed. Children who are loved will be very healthy. They don’t need to find ways to satisfy themselves and prove that they are worthy of being loved in other ways.
Time is also something that matters. If parents are frequently away, how can children feel accepted and appreciated? How do we teach children to be responsible and feel the power of love? In modern society, parents are always busy and find it difficult to spend more time with their children. Even when they have time, they would rather spend it swiping the screens on their phones. However, children are more important than work, housekeeping or entertainment.
- Translated by Lin Changfeng
新闻背景： 近日，一则“3个月婴儿趴睡身亡”的新闻在网上引发广泛关注：4月16日下午，一名新手妈妈在“某付费睡眠引导群”提问，称小孩翻身趴着睡觉一直在哭，想向群内的老师寻求帮助。群友答“不是大哭就没事”。孩子哭的期间妈妈始终站在门口，虽然焦急却并未进入房间查看。然而约两小时后，这位妈妈去给孩子喂奶时才发现，孩子已经不幸身亡。 据这位母亲曾在3月份购买过一家叫“芝士×馄饨”的付费课程并加入该群。据了解，这家机构提出了一套宝宝睡眠理论，其中有一个观点就是：宝宝在几个月的时候，会有一个“翻身倒退期”，这阶段宝宝晚上睡觉会不停的翻身，直到宝宝会趴睡了，才算完成“解锁趴睡”这个任务，结束倒退期。 困了自然入睡——这个对于普通人看似非常简单容易做到的事情，却困住了很多的新手妈妈。因此，抓住了妈妈们的需求，这些睡训机构犹如春日里的雨点般密集降临。 现在很多新手父母还未曾准备好，就被推上了“家长”的位置。 基督时报(Christian Times)邀请了一位从事多年教育方面、并常常带领父母社群学习的基督徒海归妈妈张老师，来讲述了她的看法。 基督时报：您当时看完这个消息后，最直观的想法是？ 张老师：我觉得很痛心和惋惜，对这种机构我是谴责的、感到可憎的。机构打着“育儿”的幌子，用他们以为的理念来蒙骗妈妈们，令人感到很痛恨。 但为什么这么多妈妈愿意相信，甚至深信不疑？我同时也在心里打了个问号。 现在的育儿理念太多了，多到以至于观点相互打架的都有。到底养育孩子的过程当中，哪些理念是我们需要应该去执行的？哪些是错误的？我觉得育儿上其实没有绝对的是是非非，每个孩子的生命都不一样，我们对待孩子前提是要以爱为基础，至少无论做什么都要建立在孩子身心健康的基础上。如果连健康、生命都没有，那还谈什么育儿呢？ 基督时报：您是怎么看待对孩子睡眠进行训练的这个事情呢？ 张老师：我有三个孩子，当年带老大时我也曾试过让他单独睡，但我用了两个月的时间以失败告终。我觉得孩子肯定会睡整觉的，只是每个孩子的时候和情况都不一样，不能刻意的去训练。妈妈能做的就是陪着，只是这样妈妈会辛苦一些。但养孩子、使一个生命成长肯定是需要付出的，不是说我来训练孩子入睡这就够了。 如果有些方法可以让妈妈和孩子都舒服那是好的，但如果没有，一定不要去刻意训练，不要以影响和损害孩子身心健康为基础。 基督时报：现在市面上有很多不同的育儿方法，新手父母们去学的时候有很多困惑，越学越混乱，但为了孩子又需要去学，那么这个度应该怎么去把握？该怎么学习比较好呢？ 张老师：我认为肯定是要去学的。像我们做一份工作前至少是有培训的，但父母是没有培训的，直接就被扣上了“父母”的职分，所以学习是非常有必要的。但到底学什么？怎么学？这些需要我们很好的去知道。 孩子是一个独立的生命个体，父母不能将他相关的所有事情都压在自己身上，这会导致父母很焦虑。例如孩子怎么睡眠？怎样才能出色的成长？……很多父母会花大量的时间、精力、金钱来培养孩子，态度是好的，但太多时候夹杂着焦虑和紧张，往往会适得其反。 比起给孩子强行灌输知识，更多的是父母的爱给孩子带来的安全感，还有妈妈给孩子的呵护，例如她饿的时候给奶，要玩耍的时候给与陪伴，这些都很重要。前三年父母给与孩子的安全感和陪伴是非常重要的，然后再慢慢让孩子学习早起早睡，吃健康的食物，语言上的表达，这些都重要，但也需要一个过程。 生活当中的习惯父母去引导和教会孩子们表达，父母的呵护让孩子感受到安全感时，在日常生活当中，一些好的生活习惯自然而然就会逐渐养成。 基督时报：现在市面上育儿的知识太多，在最基本的育儿原则上，需要注意哪些？ 张老师：当父母成为父母时，和孩子天然有爱的链接和纽带。如何健康地爱孩子，答案仍然需要回到生命根源的神那里。爱是不求自己的益处，恒久忍耐，是以对方的喜乐为满足。学习无条件的接纳孩子，不以孩子的表现、能力、成绩、外貌等来衡量，这是很有挑战的。 以正确的爱为前提，方法也很重要。比如：让孩子入睡的方法很多，趴睡不是唯一的途径。在孩子的成长道路上，不要想着寻求捷径。爱是一定需要付出的。 对于新手妈妈，面对新生儿一般容易焦虑，而且会搜索大量的育儿资料甚至加入一些组织、机构让自己变得更加专业，这本身是好事情。但也要有一定的辨别力，如果让你和孩子都煎熬甚至痛苦的方法，那要看看是否真的合适。 生命是很宝贵的，不管是孩子还是妈妈，都是生命的链接，这种血溶于水的关系，不应该让机构来左右。 基督时报：您自己在育儿方面有哪些宝贵的经验，可以跟妈妈们分享一下。 张老师：在育儿方面我认为一切应该以爱为出发点，然后要接纳孩子——无条件的接纳——向孩子们表达父母的爱，让他们懂得：不论他们的言行举止如何，不管他们犯了多大的错误，多么地失败，爸爸和妈妈始终如一地爱着他们。 当孩子们从父母那里感受到真正的接纳后，他们会感到很安全，会知道在父母心目中自己是无价之宝。他们的价值并非取决于表现有多好，而只是基于这样一个事实——他们是谁，他们被爱仅仅因为他们是爸爸妈妈的孩子。 很多时候，我们觉得自己就是接纳孩子，可事实上，父母们给与孩子的接纳往往还是基于孩子的表现，这是有条件的。 如果说接纳是和孩子发展良好关系的基础的话，那么赞赏便是房角石。接纳自己的孩子是建立他们的自我价值感和安全感，而赞赏则添加孩子的自信。让孩子觉得：原来我还是挺重要的，爸爸妈妈喜欢我在他们身边，他们以我为荣。 我们不要总揪着孩子没有做好的地方，总盯着他们需要改变的地方，而要努力寻找孩子哪些地方值得我们由衷的赞美。 接下来是关爱。这个看起来好像很平常，因为我们都很爱孩子，可问题是父母不善于向孩子表达自己的关爱。事实上，孩子从来不会嫌关爱太多的，他们需要每天从父母那里感受到大量的爱。在身体上，多给孩子拥抱；幼儿，可以多多抚摸他们；稍微大的孩子给与拥抱，可以拍拍肩或抚摸背。在言语上，应该告诉孩子父母是多么爱他们，他们不会听腻的。 也许父母们还不太适应，但爱要说出口，这个可以去学着练习。当被父母好好爱过的孩子，他们会很健康，不需要通过别的方式来寻求满足，不需要通过别的方式来证明自己是值得被爱的。 然后是时间，这是非常的重要。如果父母们总不在孩子身边，怎么向孩子表示接纳，赞赏以及关爱？怎么教导孩子学会负责任？怎么样行使爱的权威？现代社会里的父母都是很忙的，很难挤出时间给孩子；即便有了时间，也是独自刷着手机。但比起工作、家务、娱乐等，孩子才是最重要的。
Recently, the news that a three-month-old baby died while sleeping face down caused widespread concern on the Internet.
On the afternoon of April 16, a new mother sought help from a for-profit sleep guidance group because her child cried when sleeping face down. Someone in the group replied, "it's okay if the baby does not cry too hard." Following this advice, this mother stayed at the door of the bedroom when her baby was crying while lying on its stomach. She felt anxious but did not check to see that the baby was fine. After about two hours, when the mother went to feed her baby, she found that it was dead.
Reports are that the mother ordered a for-profit online course and joined the group taking the course in March. The organization that provided the course proposed a theory of infant sleep which suggested that a baby experiences a period of “rolling-over regression” when it is several months old. In this period, a baby rolls over on its stomach when it is asleep. When the baby learns to sleep face down, it has passed the regression period.
It is a big challenge for a new mother to calm a baby when it is wakened and cries. Organizations providing “sleep training” noticed these mothers’ needs and claimed that they could solve their problems.
Many couples turn into parents before they are ready. They may easily become victims of unprofessional services.
Christian Times, a Shanghai-based Chinese Christian newspaper, invited a Christian mother who came back from overseas to share her opinions with us. She has been working in the field of education for years and often organized study groups for parents.
Christian Times: What came into your mind when saw this news?
Ms. Zhang: I felt really sad and sorry for the victims. I condemn it and consider it is hateful that they, in the guise of parenting, cheated mothers with what they thought was right.
Why do so many mothers believe them? That is my question.
There are so many ideas on parenting now. Some of them are in conflict with each other. So, what ideas should we follow and what should we not follow? I don’t think there is an absolutely right answer, because every child is different. We should treat our children with love. Whatever we do should be based on the physical and psychological well-being of children. Without health and life, parenting loses its purpose.
Christian Times: What do you think of infant sleep training?
Ms. Zhang: I have three kids. When my eldest was a little baby, I tried to let it sleep alone. But I failed after two months. I think infants can sleep for the whole night, but their sleep cycles can be different. We don’t have to train them on purpose. What a mother can do is to stay with her baby. It is more tiring, but you have to be committed if you want to raise a child. Try not to think that you can have an easier time by training your baby to sleep.
It’s good if there are methods and suggestions on how to make a mother and her child feel more comfortable. But you should never try to train your baby just to make parenting easy. Don’t do things that are bad for children’s health.
Christian Times: There are various parenting methods on the market. The more the new parents learn, the more they feel confused. But they want to know more for the good of their children. So how do parents make wise choices and what is the best way to learn?
Ms. Zhang: I think they should learn about parenting. Before we do a job, we need training. However, there is no training course before one becomes a parent. So there is much that needs to be learned. But what and how to learn? We need to know that.
Every child is an independent individual. Parents should not put everything that is related to their children on their own shoulders. That could make parents very nervous. Issues like the sleep habits of a child should sleep and how to become excellent. Many parents devote too much time, energy and money to nurturing children. Their motivation is good. However, in many circumstances, their devotion cannot overcome the nervousness and stress they feel and they usually end up with bad results.
Instead of cramming knowledge into children’s minds, parents should give them security and care. Feed them when they are hungry. Stay with them when they play. These little things are important. Security and company are very important for kids under three years old. Then try to let them learn to sleep and wake up on time, eat healthy food, and express themselves verbally. These are also important, but try to take your time.
Parents should guide their children and teach them how to express themselves. When children feel secure and protected by their parents, they are able to naturally form good daily habits.
Christian Times: There are too many parenting theories on the market. So, what are the basic parenting principles that should be followed?
Ms. Zhang: Parents are naturally bonded with their children by love. The answer of how to love your children comes from God, the origin of life. Love asks for no benefits but is patient. Love is for the happiness of those who are loved. We should learn to accept our children unconditionally, though it may be very challenging to do so, rather than measure them according to their performance, abilities, achievements, and looks.
To love in the right way is the basic principle, but methods also matter. For instance, a baby can sleep in many ways, rather than just in the face-down position. Try not to find a shortcut while they are growing up. Love demands devotion.
A new mother usually gets nervous when she faces a newborn baby. She and her husband may go through a lot of information on parenting and join some groups in order to improve their parenting skills. That is good, but they need to also be discerning. If the method you choose makes you and your kids suffer, you need to reconsider if it is really the right one for you.
Life is very precious. Mothers have a special bond with their children. Their strong relationship should not be manipulated by unprofessional parenting organizations.
Christian Times: Would you please share your experiments with mothers?
Ms. Zhang: I think love is the starting point of parenting. We should accept our children unconditionally, express our love to them and let them understand that their parents will always love them no matter what they do, what mistakes they make, or when they fail.
When they know that they are accepted by their parents, they feel secure and know that they are a priceless treasure to their parents. They know that they are precious not because of their performance, but for who they are. Parents love them, just because they are their parents’ children.
Many times, we think that we accept them for who they are, but the acceptance is actually conditional and based on their performance.
Acceptance is the premise of developing a good relationship with children, and appreciation is the cornerstone. Acceptance makes them feel valued and secure and appreciation make them feel confident. We should let children know that they are important and that parents want to stay with them and are proud of them.
We should not focus on what they don’t do well and what they need to change, but find the merits that we appreciate.
The next thing is care. This seems very normal because we all care about our children. The point is that some parents are not good at expressing their care to their children. Actually, children never feel that they receive too much care. They need to feel they are loved by parents. We can hug them more often. For infants, we can touch them more often. When they grow older, we can hug them, pat their shoulders or stroke their backs. Verbally, we can express our care by telling them how much we love them. They never get tired of that.
Maybe some parents feel awkward doing this, but try to practice it, because love needs to be expressed. Children who are loved will be very healthy. They don’t need to find ways to satisfy themselves and prove that they are worthy of being loved in other ways.
Time is also something that matters. If parents are frequently away, how can children feel accepted and appreciated? How do we teach children to be responsible and feel the power of love? In modern society, parents are always busy and find it difficult to spend more time with their children. Even when they have time, they would rather spend it swiping the screens on their phones. However, children are more important than work, housekeeping or entertainment.
- Translated by Lin Changfeng
Interview with a Chrisian Parenting Instructor: Love, Company Are More Important than Training
