Recently, a marriage and family online platform called Fulian (which means Blessed Love in Chinese) conducted a live interview. Relationship experts, lawyers, and pastors were invited to conduct an in-depth discussion about the increase in divorce since the pandemic began and reflect on the deep-rooted problems in marriage.
Pastor Wu and his wife, who have rich experience in marriage and family counselling, psychological consultant expert Dr. Lai, senior lawyer Mr. Feng, who provides marriage and family legal services, and special mediator Mr. Wu from a municipal people's court participated in the discussion.
After the epidemic, there has been a wave of divorce in many parts of the country. What exactly has happened?
Dr. Lai: I think, first of all, everyone is in a bad mood. Because they can't go to work, they don't have a place to relax; they can't carry out their plans; they're worried that they or their family may get sick, and they can't even come to the cities from their hometowns. During the epidemic, all kinds of social problems have arisen; divorce is not the only one. Moreover, it reflects the poor management of the relationship between husbands and wives. The modern view of marriage is quite different from what it used to be. In the face of marital problems, people now do not intend to solve their problems with honesty.
Senior lawyer Mr. Feng: The divorce rate itself has been very high in recent years, and it was just highlighted during the epidemic. The change in universal values is a problem in the whole human society. It’s not just a problem in China. With the rapid development of the economy, the soul cannot keep up with people’s developing pace, leading to people's selfish pursuit of "living in the moment" and "living for themselves". Couples who had wanted to divorce before the epidemic were saved by the epidemic. 5. Some Christian couples say their relationships have improved during the epidemic.
Reverend Wu: A home is a place of love, which involves the ability and willingness to love. And God is the source of love. If you are willing to come back to the source of love, you would have the motivation to solve all kinds of problems. 1. Two people in marriage should work together as one unit. But still, they are two different individuals, and these differences often lead to conflicts. Couples need to recognize and accept these differences. 2. If you are a self-centered person and want your spouse to satisfy you, problems will naturally arise. You should realize your responsibilities through the needs of your spouse.
There is data showing that, after being married for 2-7 years, the rate of divorce rate will be at the highest stage. So is there really a so-called "seven years itch"?
Senior lawyer Mr. Feng: After 2-7 years of marriage, there are a lot of divorce cases in which the couple had problems during the woman’s pregnancy or even because the man had an affair. Lots of couples did not even mention divorce. Instead, they chose to endure their marriage. Why? Considering the negative effect on their children's education, some people are reluctant to divorce, but many would choose to divorce after their children graduate from high school. Most couples will choose to endure after seven years of marriage, but many marital problems remain unresolved.
Dr. Lai: There is no scientific data to support the so-called "seven years itch", but it is true that there are more divorces after 2-7 years of marriage. In the first two years of marriage, people may try to change each other. However, some couples find that sometimes people don't really change, so they resort to divorce. What about those people whose marriages last for more than seven years? It could be that they’ve already given up their struggle. They put their time and energy into their jobs and let go of their marriages. For this reason, the divorce rate enters a relatively flat period.
Many couples are both at home during the epidemic, while they were busy with their own businesses at ordinary times. So why can't they establish a closer relationship when they have more time to accompany each other?
Reverend Wu: Marriage is a covenant. It's about love and trust. Couples trust each other when they were not together. But now, many couples cannot trust each other because of the huge external temptations. Most people spend their lives looking for flaws in their spouses, but those who know what love is really about would understand that true love means constantly trying to find the best in each other.
Is divorce an impulsive idea or a deliberate one? Does it truly mean a fresh start?
Mediator Mr. Wu: Both types exist. Some say that the reasons for divorce vary, and you can see all kinds of strange reasons. Common reasons for divorce proceedings include: 1. Insufficient understanding before marriage and communication difficulties; 2. They think that the other party fails to fulfill his/her family responsibilities, and the parents of both parties intervene too much; 3. Domestic violence, extramarital affairs, etc.
Lawyer Mr. Feng: The type of tree decides the type of fruit it bears. What we see now is only the fruit. But what we really should try to understand is what the tree is like. If the tree cannot produce good fruit, can you change the tree or not, and what can the tree do to produce good fruit?
Dr. Lai: Marital problems are not simple at all. Nowadays people have no commitment to a contract, and divorce is a form of breach of contract. 1. The view of marriage has changed greatly. In the past, we thought that divorce was unfortunate, but now people think that divorce is just a kind of personal choice. 2. Now people do not want to make even small sacrifices. If the other party doesn’t satisfy them, they resort to divorce. They do not to intend to work at their relationships. 3. As the roles of men and women change, the status of women becomes higher and higher. This change is good in itself. But if it is not well adjusted in marriage, it may lead to conflict. 4. Nowadays, people pay much attention to work efficiency and effectiveness, and seldom pay attention to a person's inner qualities, such as patience and modesty. In fact, qualities are more important than efficiency in marriage. 5, Modern people have a strong distaste for pain. They actively run away from pain. I have been married for more than 30 years. There were different kinds of pain in different stages, but we never escaped from them. Instead, we constantly reflected on our relationship and our attitudes towards each other. Then we made appropriate adjustments timely and accordingly.
Reverend Wu: We often are attracted to someone because we are unfamiliar with him/her, and our hearts are separated because we know him/her too well. Surely there are differences between two strangers. The differences between them attract each other, and makes them want to get to know each other. But the pain slowly appears as they gradually get to know each other. "How different he/she is from me. Why won't he/she listen to me? Why doesn’t he/she do what I expect he/she to do?" The traits that used to attract each other now become extremely annoying. So they try to change their spouses, but as time goes by they realize that people don’t really change. They want to love and treat their spouses well. But the only words they can get out just hurt their spouses more.
There will be problems and there will be difficulties, but if you seek God's help, and if you trust God and learn to put aside your worries and doubts, you have the ability to solve them. It’s just like learning to swim. You can float only if you are totally relaxed. It’s the same logic in marriage. If you are willing to be more committed to God, be more relaxed, and be more willing to pray and manage your marriage with the truth, your marriage life would be much more enjoyable.
The root involves the knowledge of truth and the relationship with God. Only when our lives are connected to the source of love, that is, Jesus Christ, can we produce the sweet fruit of love and bless each other.
I hope you all can find the root of love soon. God bless you.
- Translated by Nicolas Cao
近日，福恋婚恋家庭平台进行直播访谈，邀请婚恋专家、律师、牧者深入探讨疫情后的离婚潮现象，反思婚姻的深层顽疾。
婚姻家庭关系辅导经验丰富的吴牧师夫妇，心理咨询专家赖老师，婚姻家事法律服务资深律师冯律师，某市人民法院特约调解员吴调解员参与了讨论。
疫情之后，全国多地出现离婚潮，这是怎么了？
赖老师：1，大家情绪不好。因为疫情期间不能上班、没地方去、计划无法实施、担心自己和家人生病，或者在老家不能回来。疫情期间不只是离婚问题，其实有很多问题都出现了。2，反映了夫妻关系平时就经营得不好。3，现代人的婚姻观已经改变了，面对婚姻问题，根本就不打算去解决。
冯律师：1，近些年离婚率本身就很高，只是在疫情期间凸显出来了。2，普世价值观发生了变化，这是一个社会普遍的问题，不只是在中国。3，经济飞速发展，灵魂跟不上自己的脚步，导致人们追求“活在当下”、“为自己而活”。4，有疫情之前积攒的想要离婚的夫妻。5，有基督徒夫妻说在疫情期间他们的夫妻关系变好了。
吴牧师：家是讲爱的地方，牵涉爱的能力和意愿。神是爱的源头，回到爱的源头，就有动力解决各种问题了。1，两个人既要合一，又是不同的个体，差异性往往会导致冲突。需要认识并接受差异。2，自我为中心，想要对方来满足自己。应该在对方的需要上看到自己的责任。
有数据显示，婚后2-7年为离婚高发阶段，难道应了“七年之痒”一说？
冯律师：婚后2-7年，在女方怀孕期间夫妻关系出现问题，甚至男方出轨的这类离婚案例非常多。没有提离婚，忍下来的也很多。考虑到孩子的教育问题，有的人忍着不离婚，但是很多人会选择在孩子高三毕业之后离婚。结婚7年之后夫妻会更多忍耐，但是很多婚姻问题并没有得到根本解决。
赖老师：没有相关的科学数据分析，不过实际上婚后2-7年离婚的确实比较多。婚后头两年是想改变对方的时间，有些夫妻发现改变不了，就离了。7年之后呢？可能是放弃了挣扎，把时间放在自己的工作上，不再纠结于婚姻关系，到了一个相对平复期。
很多夫妻平时各忙各的，疫情期间都在家，为何无法建立关系呢？
吴牧师：婚姻是盟约，关乎爱与信任，夫妻双方在不在一起都彼此信任。现在很多夫妻无法信任对方，因为外在诱惑很大。大部分人一辈子都在找对方的缺点，明白爱的人会找对方的闪光点。
离婚是一时冲动还是深思熟虑、新的开始？
吴调解员：这两种类型都有，有人说是花式离婚。通常诉讼离婚的原因包括：1，婚前了解不够，沟通困难；2，认为对方没有尽到家庭责任，双方父母干预；3，家庭暴力、婚外情等。
冯律师：什么树结什么果子。我们看到的是果子怎样，但是真正要了解的是树是怎样的。如果树不能结出好果子，那么能不能改变这棵树，这棵树要怎样才能结出好果子？
赖老师：婚姻问题不是很简单的。现在人们没有合约精神，离婚是合约破坏的一种形式。1，婚姻观已经改变了，以前我们觉得离婚是不幸，现在人们认为离婚是一种选择。2，不想付代价，对方不合我的心意就离婚，不打算经营关系。3，男女角色改变，女性话语权越来越高，这个改变本身是好的，但如果在婚姻关系中没有很好地调适，可能会带来冲突。4，现在人们很注重做事效率、效果，很少关注一个人的内在品质，比如耐心、谦让等。其实在婚姻中品格比效率更重要。5，现代人不喜欢痛苦，痛苦就跑掉。我结婚三十多年，不同阶段会有不同的痛苦，但是我们不逃避，而是在其中反思我们的关系、相处的态度，进行适当的调整。
吴牧师：我们常常因陌生而了解，因了解而分开。两个陌生的人有差异，会互相吸引，想要了解彼此。慢慢了解之后会很痛苦，“怎么和我这么不同，怎么不听我的，不照我的意思行”，以前对方很吸引我的特质，现在变得很讨厌。于是想要改变对方，却发现怎么都改变不了；想爱对方，讲出来的话却是刺伤对方的。
虽然有问题、困难，但是在其中寻求神的帮助，交托放下，就像游泳一样，放松的时候自然能浮起来。在婚姻中也是，越是交托、放松，愿意祷告，用真理经营婚姻的时候，婚姻生活就过得越好。
根源牵涉到对真理的认识、与上帝之间的关系。我们的生命连接在爱的源头耶稣基督那里，就能结出爱的果子，祝福到对方。盼望大家都找到爱的根源。
http://www.gospeltimes.cn/article/index/id/51945
直播探讨疫情后离婚潮现象 反思婚姻深层顽疾
Recently, a marriage and family online platform called Fulian (which means Blessed Love in Chinese) conducted a live interview. Relationship experts, lawyers, and pastors were invited to conduct an in-depth discussion about the increase in divorce since the pandemic began and reflect on the deep-rooted problems in marriage.
Pastor Wu and his wife, who have rich experience in marriage and family counselling, psychological consultant expert Dr. Lai, senior lawyer Mr. Feng, who provides marriage and family legal services, and special mediator Mr. Wu from a municipal people's court participated in the discussion.
After the epidemic, there has been a wave of divorce in many parts of the country. What exactly has happened?
Dr. Lai: I think, first of all, everyone is in a bad mood. Because they can't go to work, they don't have a place to relax; they can't carry out their plans; they're worried that they or their family may get sick, and they can't even come to the cities from their hometowns. During the epidemic, all kinds of social problems have arisen; divorce is not the only one. Moreover, it reflects the poor management of the relationship between husbands and wives. The modern view of marriage is quite different from what it used to be. In the face of marital problems, people now do not intend to solve their problems with honesty.
Senior lawyer Mr. Feng: The divorce rate itself has been very high in recent years, and it was just highlighted during the epidemic. The change in universal values is a problem in the whole human society. It’s not just a problem in China. With the rapid development of the economy, the soul cannot keep up with people’s developing pace, leading to people's selfish pursuit of "living in the moment" and "living for themselves". Couples who had wanted to divorce before the epidemic were saved by the epidemic. 5. Some Christian couples say their relationships have improved during the epidemic.
Reverend Wu: A home is a place of love, which involves the ability and willingness to love. And God is the source of love. If you are willing to come back to the source of love, you would have the motivation to solve all kinds of problems. 1. Two people in marriage should work together as one unit. But still, they are two different individuals, and these differences often lead to conflicts. Couples need to recognize and accept these differences. 2. If you are a self-centered person and want your spouse to satisfy you, problems will naturally arise. You should realize your responsibilities through the needs of your spouse.
There is data showing that, after being married for 2-7 years, the rate of divorce rate will be at the highest stage. So is there really a so-called "seven years itch"?
Senior lawyer Mr. Feng: After 2-7 years of marriage, there are a lot of divorce cases in which the couple had problems during the woman’s pregnancy or even because the man had an affair. Lots of couples did not even mention divorce. Instead, they chose to endure their marriage. Why? Considering the negative effect on their children's education, some people are reluctant to divorce, but many would choose to divorce after their children graduate from high school. Most couples will choose to endure after seven years of marriage, but many marital problems remain unresolved.
Dr. Lai: There is no scientific data to support the so-called "seven years itch", but it is true that there are more divorces after 2-7 years of marriage. In the first two years of marriage, people may try to change each other. However, some couples find that sometimes people don't really change, so they resort to divorce. What about those people whose marriages last for more than seven years? It could be that they’ve already given up their struggle. They put their time and energy into their jobs and let go of their marriages. For this reason, the divorce rate enters a relatively flat period.
Many couples are both at home during the epidemic, while they were busy with their own businesses at ordinary times. So why can't they establish a closer relationship when they have more time to accompany each other?
Reverend Wu: Marriage is a covenant. It's about love and trust. Couples trust each other when they were not together. But now, many couples cannot trust each other because of the huge external temptations. Most people spend their lives looking for flaws in their spouses, but those who know what love is really about would understand that true love means constantly trying to find the best in each other.
Is divorce an impulsive idea or a deliberate one? Does it truly mean a fresh start?
Mediator Mr. Wu: Both types exist. Some say that the reasons for divorce vary, and you can see all kinds of strange reasons. Common reasons for divorce proceedings include: 1. Insufficient understanding before marriage and communication difficulties; 2. They think that the other party fails to fulfill his/her family responsibilities, and the parents of both parties intervene too much; 3. Domestic violence, extramarital affairs, etc.
Lawyer Mr. Feng: The type of tree decides the type of fruit it bears. What we see now is only the fruit. But what we really should try to understand is what the tree is like. If the tree cannot produce good fruit, can you change the tree or not, and what can the tree do to produce good fruit?
Dr. Lai: Marital problems are not simple at all. Nowadays people have no commitment to a contract, and divorce is a form of breach of contract. 1. The view of marriage has changed greatly. In the past, we thought that divorce was unfortunate, but now people think that divorce is just a kind of personal choice. 2. Now people do not want to make even small sacrifices. If the other party doesn’t satisfy them, they resort to divorce. They do not to intend to work at their relationships. 3. As the roles of men and women change, the status of women becomes higher and higher. This change is good in itself. But if it is not well adjusted in marriage, it may lead to conflict. 4. Nowadays, people pay much attention to work efficiency and effectiveness, and seldom pay attention to a person's inner qualities, such as patience and modesty. In fact, qualities are more important than efficiency in marriage. 5, Modern people have a strong distaste for pain. They actively run away from pain. I have been married for more than 30 years. There were different kinds of pain in different stages, but we never escaped from them. Instead, we constantly reflected on our relationship and our attitudes towards each other. Then we made appropriate adjustments timely and accordingly.
Reverend Wu: We often are attracted to someone because we are unfamiliar with him/her, and our hearts are separated because we know him/her too well. Surely there are differences between two strangers. The differences between them attract each other, and makes them want to get to know each other. But the pain slowly appears as they gradually get to know each other. "How different he/she is from me. Why won't he/she listen to me? Why doesn’t he/she do what I expect he/she to do?" The traits that used to attract each other now become extremely annoying. So they try to change their spouses, but as time goes by they realize that people don’t really change. They want to love and treat their spouses well. But the only words they can get out just hurt their spouses more.
There will be problems and there will be difficulties, but if you seek God's help, and if you trust God and learn to put aside your worries and doubts, you have the ability to solve them. It’s just like learning to swim. You can float only if you are totally relaxed. It’s the same logic in marriage. If you are willing to be more committed to God, be more relaxed, and be more willing to pray and manage your marriage with the truth, your marriage life would be much more enjoyable.
The root involves the knowledge of truth and the relationship with God. Only when our lives are connected to the source of love, that is, Jesus Christ, can we produce the sweet fruit of love and bless each other.
I hope you all can find the root of love soon. God bless you.
- Translated by Nicolas Cao
Live Discussion: Post-pandemic Divorce Wave, Deep-rooted Marriage Problems
