Pastor G, one of my favorite pastors, is a devoted servant of God who has served the church for many years. His sermons are powerful and determined, pointing directly to the hearts of the believers and reminding them to return to God.
However, in a fellowship, I met Pastor G's wife, a sister who was gentle, godly, and competent. I was so shocked when she told me, “Pastor G and I have been separated for ten years.” How could a pastor who was a teacher to many be so cold to his wife?
The pastor's wife went on to share the hardships she had faced in her marriage for the past ten years.
Even after Pastor G and his wife were married, he could not “leave his father and mother"—especially his domineering mother, who “took care” of her son to the point of telling him exactly when to eat and do everything. Although Pastor G came from a large family, his mother asked Pastor G's wife to quit her job and stay home to be a full-time wife. She was reluctant, but Pastor G was too used to being a “mama's boy” and having his mother take care of everything. He had no idea how to take on any chores or responsibilities. As a result, the couple had been in constant conflict since their marriage.
The pastor's wife had struggled for many years, hoping that her husband would leave his family of origin and start their own sweet family with her. She had tried to rent an apartment and take out a loan to buy an apartment near the church. However, all her efforts ended in failure. By that time, the couple already had a beautiful son, but neither the mother nor the son could win the pastor's heart. Pastor G still preferred to have his mother take care of him. As a result, the pastor's wife had no choice but to carry the weight of the entire family on her own shoulders, gritting her teeth in tears as she cared for her son and worked to pay off the mortgage.
Now that their marriage existed in name only, the pastor's wife began to wonder if it was time for a divorce. But Pastor G disagreed. After all, he was a servant of God, and he did not want such a family scandal to get around. The church members who knew about the situation also admonished her to take care of Pastor G and be his support.
The pastor's wife cried, “I finally understand what the Pharisees who were rebuked by the Lord Jesus were like! He puts the heavy burden on the shoulders of others but refuses to lift a finger himself! He can only talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Though he shares the truth of the Bible and speaks with words of love and kindness, he abuses his wife with cold violence. He does not care if his son is dead or alive! I seriously doubt whether he is really saved.”
If you have ever attended Church X, you know who Pastor G is. However, it is ourselves, not other people, that I want to talk about. Are you the child who refuses to step out of your parent's shadow and leave them? Are you the parent who refuses to let go and allow your children to be independent? That your 40- or even 50-year-old child still needs to be “nursed”, cannot make decisions, and cannot live without you? Are you manipulating your children's lives in the name of love? Do you force them to live their lives according to your will, just to fulfill your own dreams? You should repent!
One evening, I told my wife about Pastor G's wife's complaint, and out of my expectation, my wife coldly replied, “Don't you remember that you are a 'mama's boy' yourself? Right after we got married, without any notice, your mother just came over and lived with us for ten years; and during that time, you just bought a house after discussing it with your mother, without even telling me.”
Come to think of it, during those ten years when my parents lived with us, there were constant wars between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. And I, who was caught in the middle as a son and husband, was in pain. Traditional Chinese culture has always had a significant influence on me. In my mind, honoring my parents was the most important thing, and I thought that the daughter-in-law was an outsider to the family. However, my attitude made my wife feel more isolated in the family. This had once caused my marriage to be in danger, so I wrestled with the Lord in my prayer, “Why, Lord? Why can't my beloved wife and my mother live together in peace?”
Years later, I began to understand the meaning of the Scripture: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) In the Biblical order of the family, the Lord comes first, but next is our spouse—not our parents or children! From then on, I began to learn to separate from my parents; when my parents said bad things about my wife, instead of fanning the flames as before, I immediately refuted and defended her.
There was a time when I was praying in a church meeting and I could not help but choke back tears when I thought of the difficulties in my family, as well as the hurt and pain caused by the conflicts between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. When I opened my teary eyes, I was surprised to see that my parents, who were sitting not far away, had caught me crying while I was praying. Shortly after that, my parents decided to return to their home in the county and stop living with us. And ten years have passed since we separated. During these ten years, my parents have made many great friends who are also retired. Together, they exercise, garden, go for walks, travel, have fellowship, and worship God; they enjoy themselves every day without worrying about their children's affairs.
The separation from my parents has even solved the conflicts my wife and I used to have; now when we go home, my wife and my mother are more like mother and daughter. Also, my relationship with my wife finally resembles the description in the Bible: we become one flesh, we support each other, we have better communication, and we understand each other. In the end, the distance itself has actually helped bridge the gap between the two generations.
(The author is a freelance Christian writer from Henan Province.)
- Translated by Joyce Leung
G牧师是我很喜欢的多年服侍教会的一位牧师，他的讲道，沉稳有力，直指人的心灵，警醒信众回转归向神，是位奉献自己给神的好牧者。
然而，在一次团契中，我认识了牧师的妻子，一位温柔、敬虔而干练的姊妹。 姊妹说：“我和G牧师已经分居十年了”，这话震惊了我，一位教诲万人的牧者竟与妻子冷漠至此。
她分享起这十余年艰难的婚姻之路：
从与G牧师结婚，G牧师就无法做到“离开父母”，尤其是强势的母亲，对儿子的“关爱”到无微不至之程度，几点吃饭、几点做何事分毫不差。G牧师是个大家庭，但婆婆在婚后却要求媳妇辞职，做个服侍全家的专职太太。她不愿意，但是，G牧师已经习惯了“妈宝男”的生活，一切由母亲照顾，不愿承担丝毫的家务和责任。因此，婚后矛盾不断。
她挣扎了多年，从租房，到在教堂附近贷款买了房，期盼丈夫能走出原生家庭，与自己共同经营温暖的小家。但是，均以失败告终。其时，姊妹已经和G牧师有了个可爱的儿子，但母子两个也赢不了牧师的心。G牧师很享受母亲的呵护照顾，姊妹只得一个人含泪咬牙支撑一个家，既要带孩子，又要工作赚钱还房贷。
姊妹想过这名存实亡的婚姻，是否该离了。可是G牧不同意，他可是神的仆人呀，不想传出如此家庭丑闻，知道的教友也劝她照顾他，做他坚强的后盾。
姊妹哭着说：“我现在才明白主耶稣责备的法利赛人是什么样子的。他把难担的担子放在别人肩头，自己却一根指着也不肯动！他只能说，不能行，满嘴圣经真理，仁爱、良善，却在婚姻中以冷暴力虐待妻子，对儿子的死活也不闻不问，我真的怀疑他是否得救。”
如果你在**堂聚会过，你一定知道G牧师是谁。但我想说的，不是别人，而是我们自己，你是否就是那人，不愿走出父母的荫蔽、离开父母；不愿放手，让儿女独立，自由决定人生，以至于四五十了，还在“吃奶”，凡事不能做决定，离不开你？以爱的名义，操控儿女的一生，让他（她）按你的心意走人生路，为实现你的梦想而活……你当悔改！
有天傍晚，当与妻子谈起G牧师妻子的控诉，没想到，妻子冷冷道：“你其实也是个‘妈宝男’，忘记了吗？咱俩刚结婚，你妈不打招呼就过来，与我们生活了十年，又在这当中，你和你妈一商量，就跑去买房，连让我知道都没……”
其实，想想与父母一起生活的那十年，真的是婆媳战争不断，而我作为儿子和丈夫，夹在当中痛苦，但我一直受传统文化影响，以为媳妇是外人，孝敬父母才是最大。我的站位，使妻子在家中更为孤立。婚姻一度亮起红灯，我在祷告中与主苦苦摔跤：为什么，主啊，我最爱的妻子和母亲不能和平共处？
N年后，我慢慢明白：“因此，人要离开父母，与妻子连合，二人成为一体。”（创2：24）家庭的次序，是敬畏主，爱神第一，其次，是夫妻关系，而不是父母或儿女！从此，我开始学习离开父母，当父母讲妻子的“坏话”，我立即反驳，替妻子辩护，不再如从前一样，煽风点火。
记得有一次，在教会聚会祈祷时，当我想起家庭的艰难，婆媳矛盾造成的伤害和痛苦，不禁泪流满面，哽咽祈祷主。不料，睁开朦胧泪眼，竟发现父母在不远处坐着，刚好能看见我流泪祈祷。此后不久，父母做出了一个决定，他们回到县城自己的家，不再与我们一起生活。转眼分开又十年了。这十年，父母交了许多退休的老友，一道锻炼身体、种菜、散步、旅行、聚会，敬拜神，每天开开心心，再不为儿女的事操心。
而因为距离，从前妻子与父母的矛盾一扫而空，我们探亲回家，妻子与母亲倒更像母女。我与妻子的关系，也真正的像圣经上所讲：成为一体，彼此扶持，有更美好的交流和默契，因为离开，反而弥合了两代人的矛盾。
注：本文为特约/自由撰稿人文章，作者系河南一名基督徒。
牧师妻子对丈夫的控诉
Pastor G, one of my favorite pastors, is a devoted servant of God who has served the church for many years. His sermons are powerful and determined, pointing directly to the hearts of the believers and reminding them to return to God.
However, in a fellowship, I met Pastor G's wife, a sister who was gentle, godly, and competent. I was so shocked when she told me, “Pastor G and I have been separated for ten years.” How could a pastor who was a teacher to many be so cold to his wife?
The pastor's wife went on to share the hardships she had faced in her marriage for the past ten years.
Even after Pastor G and his wife were married, he could not “leave his father and mother"—especially his domineering mother, who “took care” of her son to the point of telling him exactly when to eat and do everything. Although Pastor G came from a large family, his mother asked Pastor G's wife to quit her job and stay home to be a full-time wife. She was reluctant, but Pastor G was too used to being a “mama's boy” and having his mother take care of everything. He had no idea how to take on any chores or responsibilities. As a result, the couple had been in constant conflict since their marriage.
The pastor's wife had struggled for many years, hoping that her husband would leave his family of origin and start their own sweet family with her. She had tried to rent an apartment and take out a loan to buy an apartment near the church. However, all her efforts ended in failure. By that time, the couple already had a beautiful son, but neither the mother nor the son could win the pastor's heart. Pastor G still preferred to have his mother take care of him. As a result, the pastor's wife had no choice but to carry the weight of the entire family on her own shoulders, gritting her teeth in tears as she cared for her son and worked to pay off the mortgage.
Now that their marriage existed in name only, the pastor's wife began to wonder if it was time for a divorce. But Pastor G disagreed. After all, he was a servant of God, and he did not want such a family scandal to get around. The church members who knew about the situation also admonished her to take care of Pastor G and be his support.
The pastor's wife cried, “I finally understand what the Pharisees who were rebuked by the Lord Jesus were like! He puts the heavy burden on the shoulders of others but refuses to lift a finger himself! He can only talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Though he shares the truth of the Bible and speaks with words of love and kindness, he abuses his wife with cold violence. He does not care if his son is dead or alive! I seriously doubt whether he is really saved.”
If you have ever attended Church X, you know who Pastor G is. However, it is ourselves, not other people, that I want to talk about. Are you the child who refuses to step out of your parent's shadow and leave them? Are you the parent who refuses to let go and allow your children to be independent? That your 40- or even 50-year-old child still needs to be “nursed”, cannot make decisions, and cannot live without you? Are you manipulating your children's lives in the name of love? Do you force them to live their lives according to your will, just to fulfill your own dreams? You should repent!
One evening, I told my wife about Pastor G's wife's complaint, and out of my expectation, my wife coldly replied, “Don't you remember that you are a 'mama's boy' yourself? Right after we got married, without any notice, your mother just came over and lived with us for ten years; and during that time, you just bought a house after discussing it with your mother, without even telling me.”
Come to think of it, during those ten years when my parents lived with us, there were constant wars between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. And I, who was caught in the middle as a son and husband, was in pain. Traditional Chinese culture has always had a significant influence on me. In my mind, honoring my parents was the most important thing, and I thought that the daughter-in-law was an outsider to the family. However, my attitude made my wife feel more isolated in the family. This had once caused my marriage to be in danger, so I wrestled with the Lord in my prayer, “Why, Lord? Why can't my beloved wife and my mother live together in peace?”
Years later, I began to understand the meaning of the Scripture: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) In the Biblical order of the family, the Lord comes first, but next is our spouse—not our parents or children! From then on, I began to learn to separate from my parents; when my parents said bad things about my wife, instead of fanning the flames as before, I immediately refuted and defended her.
There was a time when I was praying in a church meeting and I could not help but choke back tears when I thought of the difficulties in my family, as well as the hurt and pain caused by the conflicts between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. When I opened my teary eyes, I was surprised to see that my parents, who were sitting not far away, had caught me crying while I was praying. Shortly after that, my parents decided to return to their home in the county and stop living with us. And ten years have passed since we separated. During these ten years, my parents have made many great friends who are also retired. Together, they exercise, garden, go for walks, travel, have fellowship, and worship God; they enjoy themselves every day without worrying about their children's affairs.
The separation from my parents has even solved the conflicts my wife and I used to have; now when we go home, my wife and my mother are more like mother and daughter. Also, my relationship with my wife finally resembles the description in the Bible: we become one flesh, we support each other, we have better communication, and we understand each other. In the end, the distance itself has actually helped bridge the gap between the two generations.
(The author is a freelance Christian writer from Henan Province.)
- Translated by Joyce Leung
Reflection on Pastor's Wife's Complaint Against Her Husband
