As a Chinese saying goes, "A man should get married on coming of age, and so should a girl." When love reaches a particular stage, two people who love each other will naturally want to get married. But falling in love is easy while living with another person is hard. After the end of the pandemic in 2020, there were long lines of couples waiting in front of civil affairs bureaus in many provinces and cities for divorces. The daily trivialities during the period of domestic isolation become catalysts for divorce.
Marriage is that two people with entirely different growth backgrounds, experiences, and character come together. So in marriage, we need to be more tolerant of each other and try our best to accommodate each other. But how should husbands and wives tolerate each other's shortcomings in marriage? In the face of realistic conflicts, how should we deal with them? What can the church do to help married believers?
Christian Times, a Shanghai-based Chinese Christian newspaper, invited Mr. Geng, a professional Christian matrimonial and familial consultant, to answer these questions in detail.
Mr. Geng worked as a counselor at a community center to rehabilitate people with mental illnesses. Having been invited by some societies to give marriage-related counseling lectures, he mentioned that he chose to take the exam for a married and family consultant's qualification certificate because the people around him witnessed his marriage as a Christian. At first, he just communicated with some people personally and gave them some marriage advice. Later, he hoped to help more people who have needs and doubts about marriage and mate choice. Therefore, he decided to obtain a marriage consultant's certificate, hoping to serve both Christians and non-believers with more professional knowledge and perspective.
Christian Times: Mr. Geng, you have been married to your wife for many years. How do you get along with your wife in your marriage life?
Mr. Geng: From my experience, the first thing is to respect each other. This means that the couple shall be equal in personality and can not wonder in the heart that "I don't deserve him/her or she/he doesn't deserve me." Being a couple means that the other party is the best choice in your range of mate choices, and for him/her too. Since both sides have made good choices, they should respect each other. Nowadays, many families have problems, and too often, these problems are caused by this.
Second, mutual appreciation. The premise of mutual appreciation is: "You are the best option I have." The Bible says, "It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer: but when he is gone his way, then he boasteth." (Proverbs 20:14). This tells us that we can make our own choices when we are picking our mates. Still, once the relationship is established, he/she is your partner, and it's time to brag and appreciate his strengths.
If two people don't appreciate each other, the foundation of the relationship would be corrupted easily. Once the inner foundation is eroded, it is useless to decorate the outside rather than decorate the room once the house's main body collapses.
Third, the couple's consistency in their beliefs. We Christians shall think the same way in preparing for service. For example, my wife and I have not changed our original intention in the past few years since we married. We have participated in each other's faith and the world, and we often communicate about the experience of helping others.
Fourth, the sex life between husband and wife should be harmonious. Physical intimacy is essential in a couple's life. Chinese people are relatively reserved, so couples in families are often too shy to talk about this. Even some marriage teachers feel difficult to talk about this.
But whether it is in daily life or specific counseling, marital life is essential. Couples who are interested in each other's bodies and minds will continue to appreciate each other. This will also make them care more about each other, and the relationship will naturally be much better.
Christian Times: As far as you know, what is most Chinese families' marital status today?
Mr. Geng: From a macro point of view, according to my observation, the marital status of Chinese families now conforms to the parabolic principle. It means that the minority of couples are in low or good marital status. In contrast, couples with moderate marital status are overwhelming. And the vast majority of these matrimonial states can be summed up in words "make do." These couples always had something that held them together. These factors may be as varied as love, parents, children, or financial interests. The general goal is "to get married and have a child, a family, and a life."
From a micro point of view, the relationship between the husband and the wife in a family is between two individuals and two different original families with unique brands and cultural backgrounds. So the running-in between two people is not so easy.
In the past, marriages were more stable because the social structure was stable. Nothing extraordinary happened, there was not much turnover, and people around were familiar. But the times are different now. With the large turnover of people, the rapid changes in the social environment, the fast development of the market economy, and the exchange and penetration of various ideas in the West and around the world, people's thinking is not as simple past. This also leads to the old foundation and model of marriage can not adapt to the current complex and dynamic environment; Once the things that hold a wedding together break down, the marriage breaks down.
Christian Times: In the face of conflicts, how should couples deal with them and maintain their marriage?
Mr. Geng: First, there must be a solid foundation. At least one party needs to think about the basics of their marriage. If one partner tries to make their marriage work, the union's foundation will become more vital. Christian marriage is based on faith. Christians serve Christ by serving each other. The non-Christian or immature Christian needs to be realistic and consider in his/her case what the foundation of marriage is. As the marital status improves, a new foundation can be built. Both sides should work hard based on marriage.
Second, mutual respect. There shall be boundaries for couples. The book Boundaries in Marriage talks about couples respecting each other, limiting, understanding, and restraining marriage. Never cross boundaries in life, especially legal boundaries and the boundary of respect. If the other person's dignity is violated, it may seem that one person wins, but the marriage deteriorates.
Third, bonding. Two people need to express their love for each other. There's a good test in the book The Five Love Languages. This is a test to see if the language of love between a couple improves throughout the marriage. How can the husband and wife's expression at their present stage make the other party happier and feel more love in marriage? This is what the husband and wife should consider.
Fourth, maintaining relationships. If we're expressing love, it feels like we're just doing it alone. So we shall also feel loved. We shall remember that it's God who brought our partners into our lives, and we shall be grateful for all that this person has done for us. Only when you get along with each other with gratitude, love would be out of willingness, without any reluctance.
Christian Times: What do you think is the most critical aspect of a couple's relationship in the family?
Mr. Geng: The most important thing for couples to get along with each other is that the marriage foundation should be reliable. For example, some marriages are based on their partners' high level of appearance or high IQ. When this happens, we have to see whether the marriage basis is reliable. If it is reliable, the marriage is healthy; If it's unreliable, it's probably not a good fit. But if they want to stay together, they have to build a new foundation.
Christian Times: What do you think the church can do today to help believers with some of the marriage problems?
Geng: First of all, churches can organize youth activities for unmarried people. In today's society, everyone is busy, and a blind date is just a meeting. It's hard to judge a person's reliability in this way. Since their parents are unbelievers, busy working and living, and have little social interaction, many brothers and sisters put off marrying for a long time, which leads to few chances to meet people of the opposite sex.
Churches can organize youth activities, such as outdoor activities. Youth activities help people to show their ability, personality, and way of doing things, etc. Through these activities, young people can have contact, know, understand and admonish each other. Simultaneously, some problems can be avoided in group activities, such as taking extreme measures due to love.
Second, for married couples, the church can form a family fellowship. The family fellowship has three types of activities:
The first type is the husband's group and the wife's group. They can discuss topics, roast their partners and share experiences.
The second type is the study group. People can correct their wrong ideas through learning. This also lets everyone's marriage improve together.
The third type is the support group. Married couples can help unmarried or newly married couples—sort of like tech counselors for marriage.
Christian Times: Some young people want to get married but are afraid of getting married. Do you have any suggestions for them?
Mr. Geng: I can answer this question well. I didn't want to get married when I was 21 or 22 years old. I didn't want to get married until I realized that God granted the beauty of it to me.
First, I advise all brothers and sisters without a clear call, revelation, or inspiration for a lifetime of celibacy to enter into marriage. Getting married is not about getting married right away; it's about getting married as a goal. Even if you don't emotionally want to get married, you have to know intellectually that it's the right thing to do.
Second, be proactive in your preparation. I have four tips about practice.
1. We shall consider: Am I suitable for marriage? Or why would someone choose me as his/her partner? We can put ourselves in the other's shoes. If my brother and sister get married and find a person like me, would I be satisfied? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What kind of life do I want to live? These should be clear to ourselves. And we should improve ourselves to become charismatic and reliable people. When preparing, we should not be too obstinate. We should seek advice from the old, wise, and capable persons. Listen to the opinions and proposals of others to correct the shortcoming of oneself and exploit our potentialities.
2. We shall also think about finding the one to accompany us through the rest of our lives. I suggest that we make a screening table in our hearts. List the brothers and sisters about the age around us from the faith, character quality, economic conditions, life direction, etc. Exclude people with different values, unacceptable personalities, unsuitable temperaments, and apparent personality disorders.
This doesn't mean that people with personality disorders are not accepted. They are just temporarily not considered as the other half of the marriage. If their faith become stronger later, and their personality gets perfected, we can still view them as our potential spouses. But only if you know and accept them.
Besides, if the other party doesn't think we deserve her/him, it is not recommended to go after her/him. Because she/he has no interest in us or even dislikes us. Even if we try to please them, it will violate the principle of equality.
3. People would treat us as we treat them. But at the same time, be sure not to force people to do what they're unwilling to do. There are boundaries and respect for each other in your relationship.
4. Once you make up your mind, never waver. It is advisable to choose and hesitate when we're choosing. "Once you've decided this is the person you want, you can be 'determined' and start building a relationship." The Bible says, "It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer: but when he is gone his way, then he boasteth." (Proverbs 20:14). Once you decide to love, never waver. Put your whole heart to it, defend and nurture your feelings, and glorify God in them.
Third, Christians don't necessarily have to get married to Christians. Some churches advocate that Christians must get married to Christians. As Christians, we should marry Christians because marriage's fundamental beliefs would be the same. If the ideas are not the same, the pursuit of life will be different. This may lead to torture for each other even after getting married.
But that doesn't mean that God necessarily curses people who marry non-Christians, and only those who match Christians are blessed by God. For married people, those who obey God's commandments are blessed. Even if one is married to a Christian, if the husband does not love his wife after marriage or does not obey her husband, the marriage cannot be blessed.
On the other hand, if someone marries a non-Christian and then continues to be close to the Lord and serves his/her spouse well, that marriage would be blessed by God. You can't think rigidly that you have to choose a Christian. I don't think that's a must.
Christians should prioritize marriage with Christians, but if you can't find a suitable one in the Christian circle, you can also enlarge the process. Remember, never lower your standards. You can slightly reduce your church's criteria, but don't drop your means if you're choosing your spouse in a larger circle.
If you marry a non-Christian, it is best to take him/her to the church before marriage and make a covenant with him/her under the pastor's witness: Both parties agree to respect each other and not force each other's to believe in God. Meanwhile, Both parties shall treat each other well, love and tolerate each other, respect each other, and serve each other following what the Bible teaches. If one can convert the other side with good conduct, that is incomparable grace.
After all, Christians should know that Jesus Christ is our Lord and our hope. Do not take marriage as the only important thing in life. Don't feel like losing everything in life if there is no marriage.
- Translated by Nicolas Cao
基督徒婚姻家庭咨询师谈夫妻相处之道 单身如何预备婚姻
中国有句俗语：“男大当婚女大当嫁”，爱情进行到一定阶段、相爱的两个人自然而然就想要进入婚姻。然而相爱容易，居家过日子却很难。在2020年疫情结束后出现这样一个现象，多个省市的民政局门前都是排长队等候办离婚的夫妻。原本居家隔离期的日常琐碎事，却成为离婚的催化剂。
结婚是两个完全不同成长背景、经历与性格的人走到一起，因此在婚姻当中需要更多地彼此磨合和包容。但究竟婚姻里丈夫和妻子该如何包容各有缺点的对方？面对现实性的冲突和矛盾，又该如何处理？教会在面对信徒的婚姻时，能给出怎样的帮助。
针对这一系列的问题，基督时报邀请了一位专业的基督徒婚姻家庭咨询师耿老师，来进行详细的解答。
耿老师曾在一家精神疾病康复社区中心担任辅导员，也曾被一些社团邀请做婚姻相关的辅导课程讲座。他提到作为一名弟兄，之所以会选择去考“婚姻家庭咨询师”资格证，是因为自己的婚姻得到了周围人的见证。起初只是跟一些人个人之间彼此交流，给他们婚姻方面的一些建议，后来希望能帮助到更多对婚姻、择偶有需求和疑惑的人，便下决心考取了婚姻家庭咨询师的证书，想要以更专业的知识和角度来服务基督徒和非信徒。
基督时报：耿老师，您跟您的妻子结婚多年，请问在婚姻生活中有什么相处之道吗？
耿老师：从我的经验出发，第一是要彼此尊重。意思是在人格上要彼此平等，不能心里觉得“是我高攀了或低就了”。既然成为了夫妻，说明对方是你择偶范围内最好的选项，对他来说也是如此。既然双方都做了好的选择，那就要彼此尊重。今天很多家庭之所以有矛盾，往往问题就出在这里。
第二是彼此欣赏。彼此欣赏的前提是：“你是性价比最高的选择”。圣经上说：“买物的说，不好，不好。及至买去，他便自夸。（箴20:14）”意思是说，我们挑的时候可以选择和犹豫，然而一旦确立关系，那他就是你的另一半了。这时就要自夸，要欣赏他的优点。
两个人如果不会彼此欣赏，感情根基很容易会被腐蚀。内在根基一旦被腐蚀，外面修饰得再好也没有用，就像房子的主体一旦崩塌，房间装饰得再好也没有用一样。
第三是夫妻在信仰上的一致性。尤其是我们基督徒在准备服事的道路上，想法要是一致的。例如我跟我的妻子，结婚后这几年我们的初心始终未改，对彼此的信仰世界都有参与，也常常一起交流、思考，包括帮助别人的经验和分享等。
第四是夫妻之间的性生活要和谐。夫妻生活中，两个人要有肢体上的亲密感，这是非常重要的。中国人是比较含蓄的，所以家庭中夫妻往往羞于谈到这个，甚至一些婚恋老师讲这个的时候也觉得不好开口。
但无论是在日常生活中还是在具体辅导中，夫妻生活是很重要的。夫妻双方对对方的身体有兴趣、对对方的思想有兴趣，这样会不断加深对彼此的欣赏，也会给双方加分，感情自然会好很多。
基督时报：据您的了解，现在中国家庭的婚姻状况，大多数是怎样的呢？
耿老师：从宏观上讲，据我的观察，现在中国家庭的婚姻状况比较符合抛物线原理。意思是婚姻状况差的和好的占少数，婚姻状况中等的占绝大多数。而这占绝大多数的婚姻状态可以用“凑合”这个词概括。这些婚姻中的两个人始终有维系着他们婚姻的因素。这些因素可能是爱情、父母、子女或者是经济利益等形形色色、各种各样的。总体概括就是”要结婚，有个孩子、家庭、和人过日子”。
从微观上讲，一个家庭的夫妻之间的相处并不是两个个体，而是两个不同的原生家庭烙印和文化背景。因此两个人的很多磨合并不是那么容易。
过去时代的婚姻比较稳定，其原因是社会的稳定和平稳，没有什么大事发生，人员流动也不大，身边都是熟悉的人。但现在时代不一样了，人员流动大，社会环境变化快速，市场经济发展飞速，西方以及全世界各种观念的交流渗透等，这导致人的思想没有过去单一。这也导致旧的婚姻基础和模式不适应当下复杂、变动性强的环境；一旦维系婚姻的那些因素崩盘，婚姻就崩盘了。
基督时报：面对婚姻中的现实冲突和矛盾，夫妻双方该怎么处理与维持？
耿老师：第一个是基础牢固。夫妻双方至少要有一方动脑、去操心去思考自己婚姻的基础是什么？如果双方有一方慢慢地经营婚姻，婚姻的基础就会变得牢固。基督徒的婚姻基础要建立在信仰上，通过服事对方来服事基督。而非基督徒或信仰生命不成熟的基督徒则需要实事求是，按照自己的情况来考虑婚姻的基础是建立在什么上面。随着婚姻状况的改善，可以进行新的基础更换。双方要用心经营婚姻基础。
第二个是彼此尊重。夫妻双方要有界限。在《为婚姻立界限》这本书中谈到婚姻中夫妻双方要彼此尊重，要有界限，要体谅包容，同时要克制自己。在生活中双方千万不要突破界限，尤其是法律界限和彼此尊重的界限。如果对方的尊严被践踏了，虽然看上去一方赢了，但婚姻却变质了。
第三个是培养感情。两个人需要有爱的表达。在《爱的五种语言》这本书中有一个很好的测试。通过这个测试，可以看看夫妻间爱的语言在婚姻过程中是否有改善。在婚姻中，夫妻双方现阶段的表达怎么能让对方更加有幸福感，更加能感受到爱，这个是夫妻都要考虑的。
第四个是维持感情。如果只是表达爱，会觉得只是我们在单方面的付出。因此也要感受到对方的爱。要知道是上帝把这个人带入我们的生命中，也感谢这个人为我们所付出、所做的一切。只有怀着感恩之心和对方相处时，爱才不是出于勉强，而是出于甘心。
基督时报：您认为在家庭中夫妻相处中最重要的一点是什么？
耿老师：夫妻相处最重要的是婚姻的基础要可靠。比如有的婚姻基础是基于对方颜值高、智商高，这时要看这个婚姻基础是否可靠。如果是可靠的，婚姻就牢固；如果是不可靠，那双方可能不合适。但如果还想在一起，双方就得建立新的基础。
基督时报：您认为，当下的教会可以如何帮助信徒解决婚姻中遇到的一些问题？
耿老师：首先，针对未婚的人，教会可以组织青年活动。现今社会大家都忙，相亲也只是见面而已。这种方式很难评判一个人是否可靠。很多弟兄姐妹们拖很久不结婚，其原因是家里的父母不信主、工作生活繁忙、交际面窄等，造成碰到异性的机会不多。
教会可以组织青年活动，比如户外活动。青年活动帮助大家展现自己的能力、个性和处事方式等，在活动中大家更加深入地接触、认识、了解和劝诫彼此。同时在团体活动中可以规避一些问题，例如因爱而不得而采取极端手段等。
其次，针对已婚夫妻，教会可以成立家庭团契。家庭团契有三种活动方式：
第一种是分成丈夫团契和妻子团契，各自讨论话题、吐槽、分享经验等。
第二种是学习小组。通过学习纠正大家错误的观念，也让大家的婚姻共同提高。
第三种是扶持小组。已婚的夫妻可以帮助未婚或者刚结婚夫妻，有点类似于婚姻的技术顾问。
基督时报：有一些年轻人想进入婚姻，但又恐婚，针对这类现象您有什么建议吗？
耿老师：这个问题我是深有体会的。在二十一二岁的时候我是不想结婚的，认识到上帝给婚姻的美意后才开始愿意去考虑婚姻。
第一点，劝勉弟兄姐妹们，如果没有明确为主独身一辈子的呼召、启示或感动，就一定要进入婚姻。进入婚姻不是马上就结婚，而是把进入婚姻作为一个目标。即便在感情上不想进入婚姻，但理智上要知道这是该做的。
第二点，要积极的预备。关于预备我有4点建议。
1.要思考，我自己是否适合结婚？或者说别人为什么选我作为另一半？可以换位思考，如果自己的弟兄姐妹结婚找到一个我这样的人，我是否满意？我的优缺点是什么，我想过什么样的生活等，这些自己都要清楚。并提高自身，让自己成为一个有魅力、可靠的人。在预备时，大家不要太固执，需要多咨询一些年长的、有智慧的、会处理事情的人，听听别人的意见和建议来改正自身的缺点、培养自己的潜力。
2.还要思考，找怎么样的人陪我走过余生。我建议在心中做一个筛选的表格，从信仰层面、性格品质、经济条件、人生方向等，把身边所认识的、适龄的弟兄姐妹们列出来，其中排除掉价值观不一样、个性无法接受、性格不合适、有明显人格病态的人。
并不是说不接纳人格病态的人，而是暂时不考虑他作为婚姻的另一半，如果他之后信仰提升，人格完善，也可以考虑。但前提是要知道和接纳他。
另外，如果我们根本不在对方个人的择偶标准之内，也不建议考虑。因为对方对我们没有一点兴趣，甚至反感，即便死缠烂打，也会违背平等的原则。
3.期待别人如何待我们，我们也如何待别人。但同时一定不要绝对化的要求对方。在相处过程中要有界限，彼此尊重。
4.一旦做出决定就不要动摇。建议大家在考虑时选择和犹豫。“一旦决定我就选这个人的时候，就‘买定离手’，开始建立关系。”箴言书20章14节：“买物的说，不好，不好。及至买去，他便自夸。”一旦决定去爱，就不要给自己后路，而是全心付出，捍卫和经营自己的感情，在感情中荣耀上帝、。
第三点，基督徒是否一定要找基督徒。有些教会教导基督徒一定要选基督徒。作为基督徒，我们要选择婚姻对象最好是基督徒。因为这样婚姻的基础信仰是一致的。如果信仰都不一致，人生的追求也会不同，婚后对自己、对对方可能都有折磨。
但是也并非说和非基督徒结婚的人一定要被神诅咒，只有和基督徒结婚的人神才祝福。婚姻中，遵行上帝的诫命的就被祝福。即便是和基督徒结婚，婚后丈夫不爱妻子，妻子不顺服丈夫，也同样不能被祝福。
相反，有的人和非基督徒结婚，但是婚后仍旧和主亲近，也尽心服事另一半，这样的婚姻是蒙上帝祝福的。不能非常刻板的认为一定要选基督徒，我的意见相对开放一些。
基督徒肯定要优先考虑和基督徒结婚，但如果在基督徒圈子里找不到合适的，也可以放大圈子，但不要降低标准。在教会，可以适当降低标准，但如果放大圈子就千万不要降低标准。
如果真的和非基督徒结婚，婚前最好带他到教会和牧者协商并立约：双方说好，彼此尊重并不逼迫对方信仰。同时，也要按照圣经的教导对待对方、爱和包容对方、尊重对方、服事对方。如果用美好的品行把对方的心回转过来，那是无比的恩典。
不管怎样，基督徒要知道耶稣基督才是我们的主、我们的盼望。一定不要把婚姻当成人生唯一的需要，好像没有婚姻就 失去了人生的一切一样。
基督徒婚姻家庭咨询师谈夫妻相处之道 单身如何预备婚姻
As a Chinese saying goes, "A man should get married on coming of age, and so should a girl." When love reaches a particular stage, two people who love each other will naturally want to get married. But falling in love is easy while living with another person is hard. After the end of the pandemic in 2020, there were long lines of couples waiting in front of civil affairs bureaus in many provinces and cities for divorces. The daily trivialities during the period of domestic isolation become catalysts for divorce.
Marriage is that two people with entirely different growth backgrounds, experiences, and character come together. So in marriage, we need to be more tolerant of each other and try our best to accommodate each other. But how should husbands and wives tolerate each other's shortcomings in marriage? In the face of realistic conflicts, how should we deal with them? What can the church do to help married believers?
Christian Times, a Shanghai-based Chinese Christian newspaper, invited Mr. Geng, a professional Christian matrimonial and familial consultant, to answer these questions in detail.
Mr. Geng worked as a counselor at a community center to rehabilitate people with mental illnesses. Having been invited by some societies to give marriage-related counseling lectures, he mentioned that he chose to take the exam for a married and family consultant's qualification certificate because the people around him witnessed his marriage as a Christian. At first, he just communicated with some people personally and gave them some marriage advice. Later, he hoped to help more people who have needs and doubts about marriage and mate choice. Therefore, he decided to obtain a marriage consultant's certificate, hoping to serve both Christians and non-believers with more professional knowledge and perspective.
Christian Times: Mr. Geng, you have been married to your wife for many years. How do you get along with your wife in your marriage life?
Mr. Geng: From my experience, the first thing is to respect each other. This means that the couple shall be equal in personality and can not wonder in the heart that "I don't deserve him/her or she/he doesn't deserve me." Being a couple means that the other party is the best choice in your range of mate choices, and for him/her too. Since both sides have made good choices, they should respect each other. Nowadays, many families have problems, and too often, these problems are caused by this.
Second, mutual appreciation. The premise of mutual appreciation is: "You are the best option I have." The Bible says, "It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer: but when he is gone his way, then he boasteth." (Proverbs 20:14). This tells us that we can make our own choices when we are picking our mates. Still, once the relationship is established, he/she is your partner, and it's time to brag and appreciate his strengths.
If two people don't appreciate each other, the foundation of the relationship would be corrupted easily. Once the inner foundation is eroded, it is useless to decorate the outside rather than decorate the room once the house's main body collapses.
Third, the couple's consistency in their beliefs. We Christians shall think the same way in preparing for service. For example, my wife and I have not changed our original intention in the past few years since we married. We have participated in each other's faith and the world, and we often communicate about the experience of helping others.
Fourth, the sex life between husband and wife should be harmonious. Physical intimacy is essential in a couple's life. Chinese people are relatively reserved, so couples in families are often too shy to talk about this. Even some marriage teachers feel difficult to talk about this.
But whether it is in daily life or specific counseling, marital life is essential. Couples who are interested in each other's bodies and minds will continue to appreciate each other. This will also make them care more about each other, and the relationship will naturally be much better.
Christian Times: As far as you know, what is most Chinese families' marital status today?
Mr. Geng: From a macro point of view, according to my observation, the marital status of Chinese families now conforms to the parabolic principle. It means that the minority of couples are in low or good marital status. In contrast, couples with moderate marital status are overwhelming. And the vast majority of these matrimonial states can be summed up in words "make do." These couples always had something that held them together. These factors may be as varied as love, parents, children, or financial interests. The general goal is "to get married and have a child, a family, and a life."
From a micro point of view, the relationship between the husband and the wife in a family is between two individuals and two different original families with unique brands and cultural backgrounds. So the running-in between two people is not so easy.
In the past, marriages were more stable because the social structure was stable. Nothing extraordinary happened, there was not much turnover, and people around were familiar. But the times are different now. With the large turnover of people, the rapid changes in the social environment, the fast development of the market economy, and the exchange and penetration of various ideas in the West and around the world, people's thinking is not as simple past. This also leads to the old foundation and model of marriage can not adapt to the current complex and dynamic environment; Once the things that hold a wedding together break down, the marriage breaks down.
Christian Times: In the face of conflicts, how should couples deal with them and maintain their marriage?
Mr. Geng: First, there must be a solid foundation. At least one party needs to think about the basics of their marriage. If one partner tries to make their marriage work, the union's foundation will become more vital. Christian marriage is based on faith. Christians serve Christ by serving each other. The non-Christian or immature Christian needs to be realistic and consider in his/her case what the foundation of marriage is. As the marital status improves, a new foundation can be built. Both sides should work hard based on marriage.
Second, mutual respect. There shall be boundaries for couples. The book Boundaries in Marriage talks about couples respecting each other, limiting, understanding, and restraining marriage. Never cross boundaries in life, especially legal boundaries and the boundary of respect. If the other person's dignity is violated, it may seem that one person wins, but the marriage deteriorates.
Third, bonding. Two people need to express their love for each other. There's a good test in the book The Five Love Languages. This is a test to see if the language of love between a couple improves throughout the marriage. How can the husband and wife's expression at their present stage make the other party happier and feel more love in marriage? This is what the husband and wife should consider.
Fourth, maintaining relationships. If we're expressing love, it feels like we're just doing it alone. So we shall also feel loved. We shall remember that it's God who brought our partners into our lives, and we shall be grateful for all that this person has done for us. Only when you get along with each other with gratitude, love would be out of willingness, without any reluctance.
Christian Times: What do you think is the most critical aspect of a couple's relationship in the family?
Mr. Geng: The most important thing for couples to get along with each other is that the marriage foundation should be reliable. For example, some marriages are based on their partners' high level of appearance or high IQ. When this happens, we have to see whether the marriage basis is reliable. If it is reliable, the marriage is healthy; If it's unreliable, it's probably not a good fit. But if they want to stay together, they have to build a new foundation.
Christian Times: What do you think the church can do today to help believers with some of the marriage problems?
Geng: First of all, churches can organize youth activities for unmarried people. In today's society, everyone is busy, and a blind date is just a meeting. It's hard to judge a person's reliability in this way. Since their parents are unbelievers, busy working and living, and have little social interaction, many brothers and sisters put off marrying for a long time, which leads to few chances to meet people of the opposite sex.
Churches can organize youth activities, such as outdoor activities. Youth activities help people to show their ability, personality, and way of doing things, etc. Through these activities, young people can have contact, know, understand and admonish each other. Simultaneously, some problems can be avoided in group activities, such as taking extreme measures due to love.
Second, for married couples, the church can form a family fellowship. The family fellowship has three types of activities:
The first type is the husband's group and the wife's group. They can discuss topics, roast their partners and share experiences.
The second type is the study group. People can correct their wrong ideas through learning. This also lets everyone's marriage improve together.
The third type is the support group. Married couples can help unmarried or newly married couples—sort of like tech counselors for marriage.
Christian Times: Some young people want to get married but are afraid of getting married. Do you have any suggestions for them?
Mr. Geng: I can answer this question well. I didn't want to get married when I was 21 or 22 years old. I didn't want to get married until I realized that God granted the beauty of it to me.
First, I advise all brothers and sisters without a clear call, revelation, or inspiration for a lifetime of celibacy to enter into marriage. Getting married is not about getting married right away; it's about getting married as a goal. Even if you don't emotionally want to get married, you have to know intellectually that it's the right thing to do.
Second, be proactive in your preparation. I have four tips about practice.
1. We shall consider: Am I suitable for marriage? Or why would someone choose me as his/her partner? We can put ourselves in the other's shoes. If my brother and sister get married and find a person like me, would I be satisfied? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What kind of life do I want to live? These should be clear to ourselves. And we should improve ourselves to become charismatic and reliable people. When preparing, we should not be too obstinate. We should seek advice from the old, wise, and capable persons. Listen to the opinions and proposals of others to correct the shortcoming of oneself and exploit our potentialities.
2. We shall also think about finding the one to accompany us through the rest of our lives. I suggest that we make a screening table in our hearts. List the brothers and sisters about the age around us from the faith, character quality, economic conditions, life direction, etc. Exclude people with different values, unacceptable personalities, unsuitable temperaments, and apparent personality disorders.
This doesn't mean that people with personality disorders are not accepted. They are just temporarily not considered as the other half of the marriage. If their faith become stronger later, and their personality gets perfected, we can still view them as our potential spouses. But only if you know and accept them.
Besides, if the other party doesn't think we deserve her/him, it is not recommended to go after her/him. Because she/he has no interest in us or even dislikes us. Even if we try to please them, it will violate the principle of equality.
3. People would treat us as we treat them. But at the same time, be sure not to force people to do what they're unwilling to do. There are boundaries and respect for each other in your relationship.
4. Once you make up your mind, never waver. It is advisable to choose and hesitate when we're choosing. "Once you've decided this is the person you want, you can be 'determined' and start building a relationship." The Bible says, "It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer: but when he is gone his way, then he boasteth." (Proverbs 20:14). Once you decide to love, never waver. Put your whole heart to it, defend and nurture your feelings, and glorify God in them.
Third, Christians don't necessarily have to get married to Christians. Some churches advocate that Christians must get married to Christians. As Christians, we should marry Christians because marriage's fundamental beliefs would be the same. If the ideas are not the same, the pursuit of life will be different. This may lead to torture for each other even after getting married.
But that doesn't mean that God necessarily curses people who marry non-Christians, and only those who match Christians are blessed by God. For married people, those who obey God's commandments are blessed. Even if one is married to a Christian, if the husband does not love his wife after marriage or does not obey her husband, the marriage cannot be blessed.
On the other hand, if someone marries a non-Christian and then continues to be close to the Lord and serves his/her spouse well, that marriage would be blessed by God. You can't think rigidly that you have to choose a Christian. I don't think that's a must.
Christians should prioritize marriage with Christians, but if you can't find a suitable one in the Christian circle, you can also enlarge the process. Remember, never lower your standards. You can slightly reduce your church's criteria, but don't drop your means if you're choosing your spouse in a larger circle.
If you marry a non-Christian, it is best to take him/her to the church before marriage and make a covenant with him/her under the pastor's witness: Both parties agree to respect each other and not force each other's to believe in God. Meanwhile, Both parties shall treat each other well, love and tolerate each other, respect each other, and serve each other following what the Bible teaches. If one can convert the other side with good conduct, that is incomparable grace.
After all, Christians should know that Jesus Christ is our Lord and our hope. Do not take marriage as the only important thing in life. Don't feel like losing everything in life if there is no marriage.
- Translated by Nicolas Cao
Views of Christian Marriage Counselor on How Couples Get Along
