June 23, 2020 marked six months after I delivered my marriage resume.
At the beginning of 2020, I said to myself: I would find a girlfriend this year, prepared to marry, and then served God within the marriage. However, half a year has passed, I am still single.
The church where I serve treats marriage seriously and prohibits personal relationships between brothers and sisters. If they communicate a lot, they would become alien in the eyes of others. Therefore, many young people don't know each other's names. This can prevent brothers and sisters from chaotic relationships, and sustain the holiness of His name. But why does this have something to do with the blind date?
I am a pastor, know and communicate with many people, but my theology teacher has already told us not to talk too much with the opposite sex, so that we would not fall into temptation. This is a protection for fellow workers. But when it comes to a blind date, I still mindful of keeping a certain distance, maintaining my pastoral identity, and not occurring cross-border behaviors and words. It is these things that constrain me. I find that I don't know how to keep the conversation going when the elders introduce me to some sisters while on a blind date.
I also find the gaps and needs of marriage ministry in the church. We exhort young people to watch themselves and to look for a Christian spouse. However, no one has told them how to stay away from or escape from the temptations of passion, nor how to choose a spouse according to their own situation.
I have no intention of judging the church, just depicting the real situation of marriage ministry.
Regarding a blind date, another problem is the lack of competent workers who are responsible for marriage ministry. Some churches believe that marriage ministry is important so they find some workers who are involved part-time. But this results in a low rate of matchmaking if the workers do not have a clear understanding of marriage nor the skills of marriage counseling or how to make introductions.
This can also raise judgment. If a brother or sister has been on blind date several times and still cannot find the right one, the workers will then suggest "learning to be humble" or may say, "this person is picky so cannot find a suitable one."
I have not experienced this, but when I communicate with some brothers and sisters, many have this experience. Some sisters have even said: "Why should I force myself into build a relationship if the other person is not suitable? Do it just because of how other people will judge me?"
The workers in this ministry are the most important component in deciding success or failure.
Workers themselves are under tremendous pressure, too. There are few young people in many local churches, and even fewer are suitable for marriage. The choice is so limited that there is little chance to find a suitable spouse. If the church has a few cross-regional and cross-community interactions and communication with other churches, then the success of young people finding someone to marry will be greatly increased.
I have walked a long way in regard to the issue of blind dates and have thought about it for half a year. This has gradually helped my goal to become clearer.
Around the time of New Year's Day, I wanted to get into a marriage quickly because I had the idea that one had to first thrive and then get a wife. However, during the first half of this year, I have met sisters from Heilongjiang, Inner Mongolia, Liaoning, Shanghai, and Beijing and have been exposed to different views towards life. The thought that impressed me the most is perfecting marriage ministry and thereby helping more family members be more successful in finding the right one.
My expectations towards marriage have gradually decreased. I am more willing to take the present seriously, never feeling overwhelmed by the past nor being afraid of the future. I should live out the value of myself. My thought now is: "If God wants me to be married, He will lead my footsteps. If He gives me the gift of singleness, this is also good, because I can focus more on ministry."
- Translated by Elaina Wu
一90后牧者踏上相亲之路后的切身感悟……
今天是2020年6月23日，距离我投递婚姻简历刚好六个月的时间。
2020年新年伊始，我就对自己说：这一年要找个对象，然后准备进入婚姻，然后在婚姻中好好的服事神。一转眼半年的时间过去了，我依然孑然一身。
我所在的教会在婚姻的管理上相对严格，严禁弟兄与姐妹之间出现私人关系。一旦异性之间沟通过多，就容易成为别人眼中的异类。因此很多年轻的弟兄姐妹并不知道对方的名字。但这可以保证弟兄姐妹不会发生混乱的关系，使主的名受亏损。这些和相亲有什么关系呢？
虽然我是一个牧者，认识很多人，也和很多人有沟通，但神学老师告诉我们，不要和异性有过多的沟通，免得陷入到试探和网罗中，这是对同工的保守。但到了介绍对象时，因为自己仍注意要和异性保持一定的距离，持守身份，不能出现越界的行为和言语等等。这些想法一直干扰着自己，因此当一些长者介绍人让我认识时，我就发现自己并不知道该如何沟通。
我更发现，教会在这方面工作的空白和需要。我们常常劝勉青年人要保守自己的身体，劝勉青年人要在基督徒中寻找自己的配偶。然而却没有一个人告诉他，遇到情欲的试探要如何逃避和远离，也没有人告诉他，该如何根据自己情况选择配偶。
我无意论断教会的不好，只是这是婚姻事工的真实情况。
在被介绍对象的过程中，另外的问题是负责婚姻事工的工人装备和学习不足。有些教会只是因为领袖认为需要有婚姻事工，然后才勉强找到一些人从事。同工自己对婚姻的真理认识就不够清晰，然后对婚姻辅导和介绍的技巧不够了解，导致被介绍双方的匹配程度非常低。
这还容易出现论断的声音。如果某一位弟兄或姊妹被介绍若干个对象依然没有找到合适的，那同工就会建议这个弟兄或姊妹“要学习谦卑”；亦或者会对周围的人说“这个人太挑剔，所以找不到合适的对象”。
我虽然没有被人论断，但当我和一些弟兄姊妹沟通时，很多人都有这样的经历。也有的姊妹说：“自己觉得都不合适，难道要因为别人的判断勉强在一起吗？”
婚姻事工的工人本身是最重要的。事工的成功与失败，与工人有非常大的关系。
工人自己也承受巨大的压力。很多地方教会的青年人本来就少，适合进入婚姻的更少。青年人在当地教会的选择面非常小，以至于没有办法找到合适的配偶。如果跨地域、跨团契的互动和沟通还比较少，那青年人的婚姻就会受到很大的影响。
我踏上了漫漫的相亲之路。走了半年，也思考了半年，我的目标逐渐清晰了。
元旦前后，我想要赶紧的进入婚姻，以为先稳定家庭，日后的事奉才能更稳固。这半年，我被介绍过黑龙江、内蒙、辽宁、上海、北京的姊妹，认识了不同的人，也接触到了不同的人生观。使我感触最深的是，不要找到什么样的对象，而是要完善婚姻事工，在这项工作上帮助更多的家人。
我对婚姻的期待逐渐淡了下来。不是无奈的放下，而是更愿意认真对待当下，不过分期盼将来，不悔恨生命的过往。要更真实的活出自我的价值。我现在想：“倘若上帝喜悦我进入婚姻，祂必带领我的脚步；倘若他给我童身的恩赐，这也是极好的一件事，因为我可以更专注在事奉上。”
June 23, 2020 marked six months after I delivered my marriage resume.
At the beginning of 2020, I said to myself: I would find a girlfriend this year, prepared to marry, and then served God within the marriage. However, half a year has passed, I am still single.
The church where I serve treats marriage seriously and prohibits personal relationships between brothers and sisters. If they communicate a lot, they would become alien in the eyes of others. Therefore, many young people don't know each other's names. This can prevent brothers and sisters from chaotic relationships, and sustain the holiness of His name. But why does this have something to do with the blind date?
I am a pastor, know and communicate with many people, but my theology teacher has already told us not to talk too much with the opposite sex, so that we would not fall into temptation. This is a protection for fellow workers. But when it comes to a blind date, I still mindful of keeping a certain distance, maintaining my pastoral identity, and not occurring cross-border behaviors and words. It is these things that constrain me. I find that I don't know how to keep the conversation going when the elders introduce me to some sisters while on a blind date.
I also find the gaps and needs of marriage ministry in the church. We exhort young people to watch themselves and to look for a Christian spouse. However, no one has told them how to stay away from or escape from the temptations of passion, nor how to choose a spouse according to their own situation.
I have no intention of judging the church, just depicting the real situation of marriage ministry.
Regarding a blind date, another problem is the lack of competent workers who are responsible for marriage ministry. Some churches believe that marriage ministry is important so they find some workers who are involved part-time. But this results in a low rate of matchmaking if the workers do not have a clear understanding of marriage nor the skills of marriage counseling or how to make introductions.
This can also raise judgment. If a brother or sister has been on blind date several times and still cannot find the right one, the workers will then suggest "learning to be humble" or may say, "this person is picky so cannot find a suitable one."
I have not experienced this, but when I communicate with some brothers and sisters, many have this experience. Some sisters have even said: "Why should I force myself into build a relationship if the other person is not suitable? Do it just because of how other people will judge me?"
The workers in this ministry are the most important component in deciding success or failure.
Workers themselves are under tremendous pressure, too. There are few young people in many local churches, and even fewer are suitable for marriage. The choice is so limited that there is little chance to find a suitable spouse. If the church has a few cross-regional and cross-community interactions and communication with other churches, then the success of young people finding someone to marry will be greatly increased.
I have walked a long way in regard to the issue of blind dates and have thought about it for half a year. This has gradually helped my goal to become clearer.
Around the time of New Year's Day, I wanted to get into a marriage quickly because I had the idea that one had to first thrive and then get a wife. However, during the first half of this year, I have met sisters from Heilongjiang, Inner Mongolia, Liaoning, Shanghai, and Beijing and have been exposed to different views towards life. The thought that impressed me the most is perfecting marriage ministry and thereby helping more family members be more successful in finding the right one.
My expectations towards marriage have gradually decreased. I am more willing to take the present seriously, never feeling overwhelmed by the past nor being afraid of the future. I should live out the value of myself. My thought now is: "If God wants me to be married, He will lead my footsteps. If He gives me the gift of singleness, this is also good, because I can focus more on ministry."
- Translated by Elaina Wu
Inspiration: A Post-90s Pastor and Dating
