In July 2024, the renowned American Chinese film director and star Joan Chen released her latest work, Catfish, a memory that spans over a century. Notably, she puts faith in an indispensable position, leaving a memorable mark on her growth.
In the book, Chen meticulously documents the life journeys of several generations of her family members and narrates her own mental and emotional odyssey from her hometown Shanghai to San Francisco. She reflects on the transformations of the roles that she played from the teenager in “Little Flower” to the empress in the TV drama “The Last Emperor” and Doctor Lin in “The Sun Also Rises.” Readers are led into the depths of her life’s journey.
"One of the important correspondents in my life is M."
One of the 25 articles of the book is “My Friend from the Past”. It is about a person named “M.” He was Chen’s classmate during her training at the Shanghai Film Studio Actor Troupe. They felt good about each other at that time.
Writing about “M,” she recounts an experience during her exam preparations: “That summer was sweltering. The tree leaves and grass in the courtyard of my training institute were still, and many mosquitoes flew out of a small pond. At a desk, I reviewed my program fanning myself with burnt mosquito coils next to me. It was always M who would appear with a thermos filled with icy cold plum soup for me. That was such a sweet comfort. As I was enjoying the drink and short break, I often talked to him about my lack of confidence. He said, since you’re so diligent, you will definitely find favor in God. Strangely enough, we often mentioned ‘God’ and ‘destiny.’ I didn’t know at that time M had gradually become a devout believer.”
Eventually, Chen was admitted to Shanghai International Studies University. As they met each other less frequently, they communicated extensively through letters, and M became one of the important correspondents in her life. Years later, M prepared to return these letters to Chen, leading to a section in the book about a recollected memory.
She writes about moments when she longed for M's touch, “There were at least three times when we longed for each other’s body, a sensation that was almost tangible. His restraint might have been due to the fact that we hadn’t confirmed a clear romantic relationship. According to his moral values, without a commitment to love, physical touch was considered unchaste behavior. I also believed that love was sacred and happened only once in a lifetime, and was gone once it was used up.”
After bidding farewell to M, Chen had her first boyfriend, W. However, he did not talk to her about feelings, let alone love. “He just grabbed me and kissed me deeply, and I lost myself. But he was almost a stranger to me at that time.” Later, her mother met W and commented that he had a despicable soul. “After I broke up with W, I wrote a letter to M, but I didn’t mention that experience which left me with an emotional blow and shame. How could I let him know that I had degraded and ravaged myself, and no longer believed in love?”
Chen’s description shows a stark contrast between M and W, especially in their views on love and behavior. Despite the strong emotional attraction between M and her, M still insisted on not easily crossing the boundaries of physical contact, reflecting his cautious attitude towards love and his respect for her. Although they did not end up together, it shows the beauty of maintaining purity in love rather than the lasting harm caused by superficial impulsiveness.
M’s restraint reflects the Christian understanding of the sacredness and purity of love. In the Christian faith, physical touch and intimate relationships are sacred and should be based on love and commitment, not mere desire. When love is only a shell for exchanging lust, it becomes a deception and tragedy.
The Praying Mother
The most touching part of the book is Joan Chen’s mother's devout prayer, which had a profound impact on Chen, especially when she was alone in the United States.
“Every time my mother called, she reminded me to pray every day. Since becoming a mother, I have truly understood the ingrained love and concern of my parents for me. As the fetus grew in me day by day, my heart also nurtured great gratitude – in this world full of unexpected calamities, I can peacefully hold onto a beautiful hope at home.”
Both Chen and her brother inherited insomnia from their mother. During breakfasts, they seriously discussed the effects of sleeping pills, dreams, and the latest scientific research. Even after taking pills, she could not fall asleep. Her mother would always comfort her by saying, “Then just pray, remember to pray.”
When her mother was around 80 years old, she one day said to her, “I know my mind will collapse before my heart does. Your grandmother was the same. Science has no solution to this problem, but only prayer does.” Even though her mother’s memory was gradually fading, the faith shaped in her early years remained clear. Prayer became an essential part of her life, and in a world of blurred memories, her faith became the most precious memory of her life.
Chen also delves into her inner struggles and confusion about faith when facing her mother’s serious illness. “I’m not religious and am skeptical towards both myself and religion. However, during the ten months of her serious illness, I prayed every night in the dark, asking God to bless her. Dduring those moments, I wasn’t ‘devout’; sometimes, I would shout in my heart: What do you want from her? Why are you torturing her like this?”
Despite people have doubts about God, in extreme pain and helplessness, one naturally seeks help from a higher power. In Christian tradition, doubt is not the opposite of faith but a part of growth. In difficulties, people often question God’s justice and love, just as Joan Chen’s inner cries. Similar emotions are also reflected in the Book of Job, where Job questions God’s justice in his suffering. Faith does not require people to abandon doubts but encourages them to seek understanding with questions.
Chen’s prayers during her mother’s serious illness did not immediately bring answers but were filled with doubts and helplessness. Her “unfaithful” state was actually a real spiritual struggle, reflecting people’s questioning of the meaning of life in pain. This experience brought people into a more authentic state of faith, acknowledging their vulnerability. God’s response often comes quietly in people’s most vulnerable moments, allowing them to find a connection with God in their vulnerability.
What moves me about this memoir is that the author profoundly depicts the power of faith with awe. Laying down the book, I began to pray for the author to gain a deeper understanding of faith and was grateful that her life experiences could be acknowledged by more readers.
(Originally published by the Gospel Times, the article has been edited under permission n.)
- Translated by Charlie Li
今年7月，著名导演和演员陈冲发布了她的新作《猫鱼》。《猫鱼》总字数达到33万，整整600页，跨越了一个多世纪的时光。
书中，陈冲详细记录了几代家族成员的人生历程，讲述了自己从上海的老宅走到旧金山的心路历程。她回顾了从少女时代“小花”角色到参与《末代皇帝》和《太阳照常升起》的转变，带领读者深入她的人生旅程。值得一提的是，信仰也在书中扮演了不可或缺的角色，成为她成长过程中一段无法忽视的历史印记。
“我人生中重要的通信人之一是M”
全书25篇文章里，其中有一篇叫“从前的人”，写的是一个叫“M”的人。他是陈冲在上影演员剧团培训班的同学，那时彼此喜欢。她写到“M”时，讲到自己备考时的一个经历：“那是一个闷热的夏天，培训班院子里的树叶和草叶纹丝不动，小湖里还滋生出好多蚊子，我打着扇子，点了蚊香，坐在桌前学习。总是M，拿着一只热水瓶，里面盛了冰凉的酸梅汤，给我送来。那是多么甜蜜的慰藉。我边喝冷饮边小歇一下，跟他诉说自己的不自信。他说，你这么用功，上帝一定会保佑你的。说来也奇怪，我们经常提到‘上帝’和‘命运’这样的字眼。我那时还不知道，M已经开始渐渐地成为一名虔诚的信奉者。”
最终，陈冲考取了上海外国语学院。两人见面的时间少了，便有了大量的通信，而M也成了她人生中重要的通信人之一。多年后，M把这些信准备还给陈冲，于是才有了书中一段失而复得的记忆。
陈冲写到自己曾渴望和M的碰触时刻，“至少有过三次我们渴望过对方的触碰，那是可以闻得到的感觉……他的克制也许是因为我们没有明确恋爱关系，在他传统的道德观念里，如果没有爱的承诺，肉体的接触是不检点的行为。我也相信爱情是神圣的，而且一生只有一次，用完就没有了。”
跟M告别后，后来陈冲有了正式交往的第一个男友W，但是他没有跟陈冲谈到感情，更不用说爱，“他只是将我一把揽住了深吻，我便奋不顾身起来，其实那时他对我来说几乎还是个陌生人。” 之后她的母亲见过W说，他的灵魂猥琐。“跟W的关系破裂后，我给M写过一封信，但没有跟他提及那段让我体无完肤的经历。我怎么能让他知道我如此糟蹋自己，我不再相信爱情？”
从陈冲的描述中，M和W之间形成了鲜明的对比，特别是在爱情观与行为方式上。尽管M和陈冲彼此之间有强烈的情感牵引，M仍然坚持不轻易跨越肉体接触的界限，体现了他对爱情的慎重态度，也反映出他对待陈冲的尊重。尽管二人最终没有走到一起，但让我们看到了爱情中保持纯洁的美好，而不是肤浅的冲动带来的长久伤害。
M的克制与节制反映了基督信仰对爱情的神圣性和纯洁性的理解。在基督信仰中，肉体的接触和亲密关系是神圣的，应该基于爱与承诺，而非单纯的欲望。当爱只是为了换取情欲的外壳，爱情就成了骗局和悲剧。
祷告的母亲
书中最动人的部分在于陈冲的母亲是一位虔诚的祷告者。她的祷告对陈冲的影响深远，特别是在她孤身一人来到美国时。“母亲每次打电话都提醒我，千万记得要天天祷告。自从做了母亲，我开始真正懂得父母对我根深蒂固的爱和牵挂。胎儿在腹中一天天长大，我的心里也孕育着一份莫大的感恩——在这充满飞来横祸的世界，我能安逸地在家里守住一个美好的希望。”
陈冲和哥哥都遗传了母亲的失眠。早餐桌严肃讨论的话题涉及到各种安眠药的效果、梦境，以及最新的科学研究。即便在服药后仍无法入眠，母亲总会劝慰道：“那就祷告吧，记得要祷告。”
当母亲八十岁左右，有一天对陈冲说：“我知道我的脑子要比我的心脏先走了，过去姥姥也是这样的，科学对这个问题一点办法都没有，只有祷告。”尽管她的记忆日渐模糊，早期塑造她的信仰依然清晰。祷告成了她生活的一部分，在记忆模糊的世界中，信仰成为她人生中最珍贵的回忆。
书中，陈冲还深入探讨了面对母亲重病时的内心挣扎和对信仰的迷茫。“我不信教，对自己和对宗教都持有同样怀疑的态度。但是母亲病重的那十个月我每晚在黑暗中祷告，求上帝保佑她。回想起来，那些时刻我并不‘虔诚’，有时会在心里大喊：你到底要她怎么样？你为什么这样折磨她？”
尽管她对神有疑惑，但在极度痛苦与无助中，人自然而然会向更高的力量求助。在基督教传统中，疑惑并非信仰的对立面，而是成长的一部分。在困境中，人们往往质疑上帝的公义与慈爱，正如陈冲的内心呐喊：“你为什么这样折磨她？”这些疑问反映出她对母亲的深切关爱，对苦难的困惑，以及对上帝的不满。类似的情感在《约伯记》中也有体现，约伯在苦难中质问神的公正。信仰并不要求人们放弃疑惑，反而鼓励带着疑问去寻求理解。
陈冲在母亲病重期间的祷告并未立即带来解答，反而充满了疑惑和无助。这种“不属灵”的状态实则是一场真实的精神斗争，反映出人在痛苦中对生命意义的追问。这种经历使她进入了一种更真实的信仰状态，承认自己的脆弱，而上帝的回应往往在人最脆弱的时刻悄然降临，让人在脆弱中找到与上帝的联系。
这本回忆录之所打动我，正是因为作者以敬畏的态度深刻描绘了信仰的力量。通过个人家族史的叙述，陈冲让我们看到了被忽视的历史。放下书本，我开始为作者对信仰有更深的认识而祈祷，也感恩作者的人生经历被更多读者看到。
导演陈冲新书《猫鱼》里的基督徒
In July 2024, the renowned American Chinese film director and star Joan Chen released her latest work, Catfish, a memory that spans over a century. Notably, she puts faith in an indispensable position, leaving a memorable mark on her growth.
In the book, Chen meticulously documents the life journeys of several generations of her family members and narrates her own mental and emotional odyssey from her hometown Shanghai to San Francisco. She reflects on the transformations of the roles that she played from the teenager in “Little Flower” to the empress in the TV drama “The Last Emperor” and Doctor Lin in “The Sun Also Rises.” Readers are led into the depths of her life’s journey.
"One of the important correspondents in my life is M."
One of the 25 articles of the book is “My Friend from the Past”. It is about a person named “M.” He was Chen’s classmate during her training at the Shanghai Film Studio Actor Troupe. They felt good about each other at that time.
Writing about “M,” she recounts an experience during her exam preparations: “That summer was sweltering. The tree leaves and grass in the courtyard of my training institute were still, and many mosquitoes flew out of a small pond. At a desk, I reviewed my program fanning myself with burnt mosquito coils next to me. It was always M who would appear with a thermos filled with icy cold plum soup for me. That was such a sweet comfort. As I was enjoying the drink and short break, I often talked to him about my lack of confidence. He said, since you’re so diligent, you will definitely find favor in God. Strangely enough, we often mentioned ‘God’ and ‘destiny.’ I didn’t know at that time M had gradually become a devout believer.”
Eventually, Chen was admitted to Shanghai International Studies University. As they met each other less frequently, they communicated extensively through letters, and M became one of the important correspondents in her life. Years later, M prepared to return these letters to Chen, leading to a section in the book about a recollected memory.
She writes about moments when she longed for M's touch, “There were at least three times when we longed for each other’s body, a sensation that was almost tangible. His restraint might have been due to the fact that we hadn’t confirmed a clear romantic relationship. According to his moral values, without a commitment to love, physical touch was considered unchaste behavior. I also believed that love was sacred and happened only once in a lifetime, and was gone once it was used up.”
After bidding farewell to M, Chen had her first boyfriend, W. However, he did not talk to her about feelings, let alone love. “He just grabbed me and kissed me deeply, and I lost myself. But he was almost a stranger to me at that time.” Later, her mother met W and commented that he had a despicable soul. “After I broke up with W, I wrote a letter to M, but I didn’t mention that experience which left me with an emotional blow and shame. How could I let him know that I had degraded and ravaged myself, and no longer believed in love?”
Chen’s description shows a stark contrast between M and W, especially in their views on love and behavior. Despite the strong emotional attraction between M and her, M still insisted on not easily crossing the boundaries of physical contact, reflecting his cautious attitude towards love and his respect for her. Although they did not end up together, it shows the beauty of maintaining purity in love rather than the lasting harm caused by superficial impulsiveness.
M’s restraint reflects the Christian understanding of the sacredness and purity of love. In the Christian faith, physical touch and intimate relationships are sacred and should be based on love and commitment, not mere desire. When love is only a shell for exchanging lust, it becomes a deception and tragedy.
The Praying Mother
The most touching part of the book is Joan Chen’s mother's devout prayer, which had a profound impact on Chen, especially when she was alone in the United States.
“Every time my mother called, she reminded me to pray every day. Since becoming a mother, I have truly understood the ingrained love and concern of my parents for me. As the fetus grew in me day by day, my heart also nurtured great gratitude – in this world full of unexpected calamities, I can peacefully hold onto a beautiful hope at home.”
Both Chen and her brother inherited insomnia from their mother. During breakfasts, they seriously discussed the effects of sleeping pills, dreams, and the latest scientific research. Even after taking pills, she could not fall asleep. Her mother would always comfort her by saying, “Then just pray, remember to pray.”
When her mother was around 80 years old, she one day said to her, “I know my mind will collapse before my heart does. Your grandmother was the same. Science has no solution to this problem, but only prayer does.” Even though her mother’s memory was gradually fading, the faith shaped in her early years remained clear. Prayer became an essential part of her life, and in a world of blurred memories, her faith became the most precious memory of her life.
Chen also delves into her inner struggles and confusion about faith when facing her mother’s serious illness. “I’m not religious and am skeptical towards both myself and religion. However, during the ten months of her serious illness, I prayed every night in the dark, asking God to bless her. Dduring those moments, I wasn’t ‘devout’; sometimes, I would shout in my heart: What do you want from her? Why are you torturing her like this?”
Despite people have doubts about God, in extreme pain and helplessness, one naturally seeks help from a higher power. In Christian tradition, doubt is not the opposite of faith but a part of growth. In difficulties, people often question God’s justice and love, just as Joan Chen’s inner cries. Similar emotions are also reflected in the Book of Job, where Job questions God’s justice in his suffering. Faith does not require people to abandon doubts but encourages them to seek understanding with questions.
Chen’s prayers during her mother’s serious illness did not immediately bring answers but were filled with doubts and helplessness. Her “unfaithful” state was actually a real spiritual struggle, reflecting people’s questioning of the meaning of life in pain. This experience brought people into a more authentic state of faith, acknowledging their vulnerability. God’s response often comes quietly in people’s most vulnerable moments, allowing them to find a connection with God in their vulnerability.
What moves me about this memoir is that the author profoundly depicts the power of faith with awe. Laying down the book, I began to pray for the author to gain a deeper understanding of faith and was grateful that her life experiences could be acknowledged by more readers.
(Originally published by the Gospel Times, the article has been edited under permission n.)
- Translated by Charlie Li
Christians in Joan Chen’s New Book
