Editor's Note: In the daily lives of many ordinary families, sometimes there are traps in communications that husbands and wives, also parents and children easily fall into. Inappropriate communication methods will further lead to fierce quarrels and confrontations which negatively affect the harmony of the family and are not in favor of building a stable environment for children's development as a result. Then what should be done to achieve effective nonviolent communication in the family?
On the evening of December 28th, a married couple and founders of ELIM Health and Education Exhibition Center in Qingdao, Shandong Province, hosted an hour-long online workshop. Titled “Love Isn’t Torture - How to Develop a Stable and Harmonious Environment for Your Children to Grow Up”, the worship aimed to help recognize and solve violent communication problems within families.
First, Mr. James G.C. Shi, associate professor of marketing at Qingdao University and one of the founders of the center for children with autism, explained the definition of "violent communication". He said that in fact, "Violence" in family communication did not only refer to "physical violence" as commonly known, but also included "verbal violence".
Shi showed the four steps to achieve nonviolent communication as follows: tell the facts, express feelings, give reasons, and make requests.
Then, Shi and his wife Fang Jing together elaborated on the four steps with a case story about "how a wife should respond when her husband often gets drunk and returns home late".
According to some cases, the two teachers shared that firstly, when a person was unagitated, telling the facts calmly would make the at-fault party (e.g., the husband in the case) accept them more easily. Secondly, in terms of the other party’s wrongdoing, it was necessary to speak frankly about your own feelings about what happened (e.g., being drunk and returning home late). However, it should be noted that expressing feelings doesn’t mean judging the other party. Then one partner had to peacefully give the reason that was causing you to be sad and hurtful towards the other party in order to make them feel guilty and eliminate their psychological rebelliousness. The last step was to make requests or suggestions for the other party to improve gradually.
Shi explained that after mastering the application of the four steps above, the emotional confrontation or quarrels between husbands and wives caused by mundane chores would be greatly reduced. Therefore, love could be materialized through an expression of true feelings and reconciliation with one another.
Afterward, the couple discussed the root causes of "violent communication" in the family with the students present and the audience in the live broadcast room. Shi believed that "violent communication" often came from four aspects: moral judgments, making comparisons, avoiding responsibilities, and pushing the other party too hard.
In terms of moral judgments, the two said that "moral judgments" were actually commonly known as "should statements", that is, having a tendency to always comment on others by saying that they “should do this” and “should not do that”.
In order to abandon the behavior of "moral judgments", it was necessary to introduce the American philosopher Daniel Dennett's theory on the intentional stance. He believes that there are three stances one adopts when interpreting what’s happening, which are physical stance, design stance, and intentional stance. When adopting the intentional stance towards an entity, we attempt to predict and foretell its behavior. When our prediction doesn’t match the facts, we tend to bring a judgmental attitude towards the outside world, and then resort to disharmonious communication methods such as ordering and commanding.
Based on the above interpretation, thy showed that in family communication, each member needed to look at things from a physical stance and a design stance. For things that could be changed (such as living habits), we could try to achieve changes, and for those that could not be changed (such as personalities), we turned to embrace and accept them. We should try to avoid having an intentional stance and should not expect too much. "The road to hell is paved in expectations," concluded Shi.
Regarding making comparisons, Fang stated that in family life, the comparisons often happened between "family members and others" and between "family members and oneself". Developing a harmonious communication environment relied on leaving the mindset of “making comparisons”. Furthermore, getting rid of a comparative way of thinking would also help resolve disputes.
As to avoid responsibilities, Shi believes that when a person lacked "a sense of ownership", it was easy to have distorted thoughts of feeling threatened. The same applied in real life. When facing something that we had to do (such as doing domestic chores or going to work), we often lost interest and tried to escape from it, which in turn led to frictions and disputes in the family and the workplace. However, when feeling fully in control and willing to do something, we would not feel bored or be rebellious.
Hence, if we desired to overcome the negative mentality of running away from responsibilities, we needed to change our way of thinking and convert "I have to do this" into "I choose to do this". This would help develop a positive communication atmosphere in the family. Meanwhile, frictions and disputes would also occur less and less.
In the third part, the two lecturers focused on "how to achieve nonviolent communication".
First, we should learn to "observe" and "comment". Observing was more about telling facts objectively, whilst commenting involves judgments mixed with personal emotions. In family communication, we should pay attention when differentiating “observations” and “comments”.
The second step is to learn to "experience" and express our own feelings. In response to this theme, the two used their daily life as a married couple as an example. It showed that, in reality, husbands and wives in Chinese families were often very different in sharing and expressing feelings. Men were relatively introverted and not good at expressing their inner feelings proactively, while women were good at this but each had her own unique way. As a result, family members needed to acknowledge such differences, continue in trying to get along, be honest with each other, and finally lift the inner barriers.
Third, we should learn to speak honestly about the reasons for our own feelings. Then we should try to “listen” and understand the feelings and needs of others with our hearts.
At the end of the workshop, Shi briefly summarized the steps to achieve nonviolent communication into four short sentences: "I observe...", "I feel...", "Because...", and "I want..." Meanwhile, he also encouraged all participants that although the four steps were very simple, it was homework that every family member needed to practice throughout their life. He believed that love appeared when violence fell back.
- Translated by Shuya Wang
编者按：在许多普通家庭的日常生活中，夫妻、亲子之间有时会存在一些沟通陷阱，而不恰当的沟通方式又会进而导致激烈的争吵和对抗，从而影响家庭的和谐，也不利于为孩子构筑一个稳定和谐的成长环境。那么应当如何做，才能实现以“非暴力”的形式，进行有效的家庭沟通呢？
12月28日晚，山东青岛以琳康教展能中心的创办人石贵成与方静夫妇以“既然相爱·何必相虐 如何给孩子稳定和谐的成长环境”为主题，围绕如何认识并解决家庭中的暴力沟通，进行了为时一个多小时的线上讲座。
首先，石老师向大家简单解释了“暴力沟通”的具体含义，他表示：实际上家庭交流中的“暴力沟通”并非仅仅指普遍认为的“肢体暴力”，同样也包括了“语言暴力”。
随后，石老师向大家阐述了做到非暴力沟通的四个步骤：讲事实、讲感受、讲原因、提要求。
接着，石老师和方老师共同以“某位丈夫经常喝酒晚归，妻子如何应对”为故事案例，围绕四步骤进行了详细阐述。
依照案例，两位老师解释道：第一，当人在状态平静的时候，冷静的事实讲述会让过错一方（即案例中的丈夫）更加容易接受；其次，对于对方的过错，需要坦诚地讲出自己的对于事件（即喝酒晚归）感受，不过需要注意的是，讲出感受并不等于评判对方；第三，则是要向对方心平气和地说明自己伤心痛苦的原因，激起对方的愧疚，并消除其的逆反心理；最后，就是向对方提出循序渐进的改进要求或是建议。
石老师介绍道，在掌握上述四步骤后，夫妻双方因为生活琐事造成的情绪化的对立或争吵情况就会大大减少，从而在真实的表达以及彼此的和解中实现爱的合一。
随后，两位老师又围绕家庭中的“暴力沟通”情况的产生根源这一话题，同在场的学员及直播间的观众们进行了探讨。石老师认为，“暴力沟通”往往来自四个方面：道德评判、进行比较、回避责任以及强人所难。
在道德评判方面，两位老师表示，“道德评判”其实就是俗称的“应该思维”，即总是喜欢对他人指指点点，觉得他人应该做这样，不应做那样。
而想要摒弃“道德评判”行为，就需要引入美国哲学家丹尼尔·丹尼特的关于意向立场的讨论，其认为，人对事务的解释存在三种立场：物理立场、设计立场和意向立场。在这之中，意向立场往往会让人对他人或事物产生心理预期，没有达到预期时，便会滋生对外界的评判态度，进而形成命令、说教等不和谐的沟通方式。
基于上述解读，两位老师表示，在家庭沟通中，每一位成员需要多从物理立场以及设计立场看待事物，对于可以改变的（如生活习惯等），就努力帮助实现改变，对于无法改变（如个人秉性等）的，就需要包容接受。尽量避免意向立场，不要过分期望。“期望是通往地狱之路。”石老师如此总结道。
在进行比较方面，方老师解释道，家庭生活中，比较现象往往围绕着“将家人与他人比较”以及“将自己与家人比较”两方面产生。只有摒弃比较思维才能形成和睦的交流环境，进而帮助问题纷争的解决。
在回避责任方面，石老师认为，当一个人缺乏“主人翁意识”时，就容易产生威胁性的思维。引申到生活中亦是如此，面对一些不得不做的事情（如做家务、上班）时，我们往往提不起兴趣，产生逃避心理，进而引发家庭与职场中的摩擦纷争。然而，对于自己能够完全掌控，心甘情愿去做某件事情时，就不会产生厌烦以及逆反心理。
因此，想要克服逃避责任这种消极心态，就需要转换自身思维，将“我不得不做”变为“我选择这么做”，这样就有助于在家庭中形成积极的沟通氛围，摩擦纷争也得以减少。
在第三部分中，两位老师又围绕“如何实现非暴力沟通”进行了阐述讲解。
第一，应当学会“观察”与“评论”。其中，观察更多的是客观讲述事实，评论则是夹杂了个人情绪的判断，在家庭沟通中应当注意，不能把事实和评论混为一谈。
第二，应当学会“体会”与表达自己的感受。针对这一内容，石老师和方老师以自己夫妇二人的日常生活为例子，向大家阐明了，中国家庭中的夫妻之间往往在分享表达感受层面存在差异的现实状况，男性相对内敛，不善于积极主动表达内心的情感，而女性虽然擅长表达情感，但方式却各有不同，因此就需要家庭成员正视差异，不断磨合，坦诚相待，最终消弭内心的隔阂。
第三，应当学会坦诚讲出自己出现某种感受的原因，第四则是应当学会“聆听”，学会用心体会他人的感受与需要。
讲座最后，石老师将实现非暴力沟通的步骤简单总结为四个短句：“我观察到…”“我感受…”“是因为…”“我想要…”同时，他也向大家发出鼓励，虽然四步骤很简单，但却是每一位家庭成员需要用一生去操练的功课，相信当暴力消退时，爱意就会涌现。讲座在喜乐的氛围中顺利落下帷幕。
http://www.gospeltimes.cn/article/index/id/59989
青岛以琳星家园举行“非暴力沟通”专题讲座
Editor's Note: In the daily lives of many ordinary families, sometimes there are traps in communications that husbands and wives, also parents and children easily fall into. Inappropriate communication methods will further lead to fierce quarrels and confrontations which negatively affect the harmony of the family and are not in favor of building a stable environment for children's development as a result. Then what should be done to achieve effective nonviolent communication in the family?
On the evening of December 28th, a married couple and founders of ELIM Health and Education Exhibition Center in Qingdao, Shandong Province, hosted an hour-long online workshop. Titled “Love Isn’t Torture - How to Develop a Stable and Harmonious Environment for Your Children to Grow Up”, the worship aimed to help recognize and solve violent communication problems within families.
First, Mr. James G.C. Shi, associate professor of marketing at Qingdao University and one of the founders of the center for children with autism, explained the definition of "violent communication". He said that in fact, "Violence" in family communication did not only refer to "physical violence" as commonly known, but also included "verbal violence".
Shi showed the four steps to achieve nonviolent communication as follows: tell the facts, express feelings, give reasons, and make requests.
Then, Shi and his wife Fang Jing together elaborated on the four steps with a case story about "how a wife should respond when her husband often gets drunk and returns home late".
According to some cases, the two teachers shared that firstly, when a person was unagitated, telling the facts calmly would make the at-fault party (e.g., the husband in the case) accept them more easily. Secondly, in terms of the other party’s wrongdoing, it was necessary to speak frankly about your own feelings about what happened (e.g., being drunk and returning home late). However, it should be noted that expressing feelings doesn’t mean judging the other party. Then one partner had to peacefully give the reason that was causing you to be sad and hurtful towards the other party in order to make them feel guilty and eliminate their psychological rebelliousness. The last step was to make requests or suggestions for the other party to improve gradually.
Shi explained that after mastering the application of the four steps above, the emotional confrontation or quarrels between husbands and wives caused by mundane chores would be greatly reduced. Therefore, love could be materialized through an expression of true feelings and reconciliation with one another.
Afterward, the couple discussed the root causes of "violent communication" in the family with the students present and the audience in the live broadcast room. Shi believed that "violent communication" often came from four aspects: moral judgments, making comparisons, avoiding responsibilities, and pushing the other party too hard.
In terms of moral judgments, the two said that "moral judgments" were actually commonly known as "should statements", that is, having a tendency to always comment on others by saying that they “should do this” and “should not do that”.
In order to abandon the behavior of "moral judgments", it was necessary to introduce the American philosopher Daniel Dennett's theory on the intentional stance. He believes that there are three stances one adopts when interpreting what’s happening, which are physical stance, design stance, and intentional stance. When adopting the intentional stance towards an entity, we attempt to predict and foretell its behavior. When our prediction doesn’t match the facts, we tend to bring a judgmental attitude towards the outside world, and then resort to disharmonious communication methods such as ordering and commanding.
Based on the above interpretation, thy showed that in family communication, each member needed to look at things from a physical stance and a design stance. For things that could be changed (such as living habits), we could try to achieve changes, and for those that could not be changed (such as personalities), we turned to embrace and accept them. We should try to avoid having an intentional stance and should not expect too much. "The road to hell is paved in expectations," concluded Shi.
Regarding making comparisons, Fang stated that in family life, the comparisons often happened between "family members and others" and between "family members and oneself". Developing a harmonious communication environment relied on leaving the mindset of “making comparisons”. Furthermore, getting rid of a comparative way of thinking would also help resolve disputes.
As to avoid responsibilities, Shi believes that when a person lacked "a sense of ownership", it was easy to have distorted thoughts of feeling threatened. The same applied in real life. When facing something that we had to do (such as doing domestic chores or going to work), we often lost interest and tried to escape from it, which in turn led to frictions and disputes in the family and the workplace. However, when feeling fully in control and willing to do something, we would not feel bored or be rebellious.
Hence, if we desired to overcome the negative mentality of running away from responsibilities, we needed to change our way of thinking and convert "I have to do this" into "I choose to do this". This would help develop a positive communication atmosphere in the family. Meanwhile, frictions and disputes would also occur less and less.
In the third part, the two lecturers focused on "how to achieve nonviolent communication".
First, we should learn to "observe" and "comment". Observing was more about telling facts objectively, whilst commenting involves judgments mixed with personal emotions. In family communication, we should pay attention when differentiating “observations” and “comments”.
The second step is to learn to "experience" and express our own feelings. In response to this theme, the two used their daily life as a married couple as an example. It showed that, in reality, husbands and wives in Chinese families were often very different in sharing and expressing feelings. Men were relatively introverted and not good at expressing their inner feelings proactively, while women were good at this but each had her own unique way. As a result, family members needed to acknowledge such differences, continue in trying to get along, be honest with each other, and finally lift the inner barriers.
Third, we should learn to speak honestly about the reasons for our own feelings. Then we should try to “listen” and understand the feelings and needs of others with our hearts.
At the end of the workshop, Shi briefly summarized the steps to achieve nonviolent communication into four short sentences: "I observe...", "I feel...", "Because...", and "I want..." Meanwhile, he also encouraged all participants that although the four steps were very simple, it was homework that every family member needed to practice throughout their life. He believed that love appeared when violence fell back.
- Translated by Shuya Wang
Qingdao Elim Ministry Hosts Special Workshop on Nonviolent Communication
