A believer was waiting for me after almost everyone else had left the church after a Sunday service.
A few months ago, Lan came to the church. After I preached a sermon, she would talk with me. The moment I sat down, I listened for a good while to her innermost thoughts and feelings. She poured her heart out about how she suffered in her marriage, family difficulties, and the hopelessness of life.
This time she seemed to be depressed. I shared some encouraging words and listened, and then I prayed for her.
For a long time, I realized that I was doing more and more counseling after I had finished preaching. More people needed counseling. The sermons and teaching that I gave from the front of the church could not meet their demands. They needed the comfort and help of personal counseling. Maybe counseling will be a necessary ministry in the future. Counseling covers a variety of skills that include understanding principles, knowing how to give proper direction, knowing how to observe and understand what is needed.
Maybe Lin needed someone to listen to her instead of someone teaching her or providing counseling. As I listened to her stories in silence, her thoughts ran wild and turned to a different topic even though many problems remained unsettled. Despite the confusion during our conversation, I felt that she was gaining better control of her emotions.
I found that listening provided a powerful means of giving good replies in this situation. I affirmed what she was saying to show that my understanding of her problems came from my heart. By showing this The understanding I believe that she felt her problems were being recognized.
Maybe I could not completely identify with her experiences, but my partial understanding and recognition of her problems gave her a feeling of respect. I know that what she needed at that moment was not someone to tell her what to do, but sympathy.
Romans 12:15-16 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”
I found that I couldn’t do anything when she, feeling wronged, could not help but cry after winning my recognition. However, I could tell her that we pray that God would help and provide guidance as he is concerned about all our hardship. Her heart was being healed. It took her a long time to feel the empathy being shown her and until she calmed down.
It was not good for me to give concrete guidance to her or leave her alone. The better way was to lead her in a prayer and entrust everything into God’s hands. What was more, I could encourage her and provide hope through God’s word and the testimonies of others who have gone before her.
Hebrew 12:1-2 records, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
When our minds turn to God, I believe God’s working because only God can provide comfort. I saw her nodding in silence with firm eyes. She seemed to have enough hope and faith to move on.
Every time that she displayed an emotional change, I was inspired and moved. With God’s help I moved ahead on the road to help her find healing. Every act of counseling is a journey of the heart. Every burden goes to a gain that I summarize how to deal with believers and I can help walk from weaknesses to strength and helplessness to help.
More than that, an experienced counseling team should be established. Pastors should consider how to bring help and comfort to their congregations through sermons and teaching, but also through personal counseling. Maybe one counseling session can save a fragile soul.
- Translated by Karen Luo
作为牧者，你在台下如何辅导呢？
等教堂的人走完了，门口站着一位肢体在等我。
几个月前，她来到教堂。每次讲道结束，她都要找我交通。一坐下来，便是很长一段时间，听她哭诉婚姻的苦楚、家庭的艰难、生命的无助。
这次，她开口说，她似乎有些抑郁了。除了一些鼓励的话与倾听，我只能为她代祷。
其实，很长一段时间以来，我发现辅导早已成为讲台下越来越频繁的事。需要辅导的肢体越来越多。台上的教导无法满足他们的需要，他们从辅导中得着安慰与帮助。
可能这也是未来的一个趋势，成为教牧中不可忽视的一项事工。
在辅导的过程中会涉及到许多方面，如：辅导的技巧、原则、方向，观察、回访、看顾辅导的对象等等，都需要我们逐渐完善和不断操练。
就拿这位肢体来说，每次与她交通的时候，她说的总是比我开口的更多。可能她需要的并非教导或辅导，而是倾听。
当我在闭口倾听的时候，她天马行空地思想，随意流转，许多难处还未解决就展开下一个话题……然而就在这样的杂乱无章中，我发现她的情绪在逐渐好转。
或许，这就是一种发泄和释放，让她倒空积压在心中的一切重担。这倾听，是辅导中有力的回应。
当然，我们需要专注于对方，专心地倾听，而不是敷衍地做自己的事，想其他的事，让对方随意说，当对方感受不到尊重的时候，或许会带来更大的伤害。
其次，在倾听的过程中，我不时地回应到：嗯，是的，对。以这种方式告知她，我有在用心地理解她，这种理解会使她感受到被认同。
或许，她所遭遇的艰难，并非我完全能够体会的。但这种暂时的理解和认同，也使她感受到被尊重，有利于短时间内建立起信任，这样她愿意把隐私、艰难、苦楚，我分享，那么，我也知道此刻能做的就是分担并保密，这样才能让她放心地倾诉问题，从而尝试解决问题。
我知道，她此刻需要的不是教导式的定论，而是同理心。
罗马书12章15-16节说：与喜乐的人要同乐；与哀哭的人要同哭。要彼此同心，不要志气高大，倒要俯就卑微的人（注：“人”或作“事”）。
我发现，每次在她觉得非常委屈并能得到我的认同时，她立时无法掩盖地痛苦流泪。而那种情况下，我通常是不能做什么的（特别要注意辅导中要有严格的界限）。但我能够说：求主帮助，靠主带领，主能够体贴我们一切的艰难。这时，其实她的心正在被上帝医治。
感受到同理心需要一个漫长的过程，要等她情绪稳定、冷静下来。对其遭遇处境，我不好做切实指导，因为如果给她一些难以实现的教导，或者仓促慌忙的建议，那是给她更大的压力；或者说完全任由情况恶化，或着给予激进的方法，就是更大的破坏了。不如，在无法评判的情况下，带领她做一个祷告，来到神的面前，仰望交托在神的手中。
并且，可以透过神的话语和美好的见证，给予他鼓励和盼望。希伯来书12章1-2节记载：我们既有这许多的见证人，如同云彩围着我们，就当放下各样的重担，脱去容易缠累我们的罪，存心忍耐，奔那摆在我们前头的路程，仰望为我们信心创始成终的耶稣。
当她哭诉良久，陈述处境的艰难直到自己没有办法时，我若开口，她总是带着巴望的眼神，似乎要从我这里得到解决的办法，而就在这个时候，她也更容易听进去建议和想法。
时间缓慢走过，倾诉者的情绪也逐渐稳定下来。当我们的心思意念共同转向神的时候，我相信，神也在做工，因为，只有神能够安慰人，给人带来帮助。这时，我能够看到她在点头，沉默，目光坚定，似乎也有了走下去的希望和信心。
当每一次看着她心情改变时，我也被激励和感动：要面向希望，靠着神，奔跑前面的路。
就这样，每一次辅导，也是一次心灵的旅程；每一次分担，也是一份收获，使我不断地总结，如何靠着神面对肢体，帮助他们从软弱走向刚强，从无助得到帮助。
不仅如此，更需要的是，跟进的牧养最好能有年龄、身份合宜的同工，组建辅助的团契，通过小组看顾帮助和辅导肢体，在外经历苦楚，在团契内有家的归宿，互相搀扶，持续稳定前行。
在这个忙碌的时代，每个人面对不同的重负，不经意间，或许就会崩溃坍塌。
牧者应当思考，如何借着台上与台下的牧养给肢体们带来帮助和安慰，或许，一次辅导就能挽救一个脆弱的生命。
A believer was waiting for me after almost everyone else had left the church after a Sunday service.
A few months ago, Lan came to the church. After I preached a sermon, she would talk with me. The moment I sat down, I listened for a good while to her innermost thoughts and feelings. She poured her heart out about how she suffered in her marriage, family difficulties, and the hopelessness of life.
This time she seemed to be depressed. I shared some encouraging words and listened, and then I prayed for her.
For a long time, I realized that I was doing more and more counseling after I had finished preaching. More people needed counseling. The sermons and teaching that I gave from the front of the church could not meet their demands. They needed the comfort and help of personal counseling. Maybe counseling will be a necessary ministry in the future. Counseling covers a variety of skills that include understanding principles, knowing how to give proper direction, knowing how to observe and understand what is needed.
Maybe Lin needed someone to listen to her instead of someone teaching her or providing counseling. As I listened to her stories in silence, her thoughts ran wild and turned to a different topic even though many problems remained unsettled. Despite the confusion during our conversation, I felt that she was gaining better control of her emotions.
I found that listening provided a powerful means of giving good replies in this situation. I affirmed what she was saying to show that my understanding of her problems came from my heart. By showing this The understanding I believe that she felt her problems were being recognized.
Maybe I could not completely identify with her experiences, but my partial understanding and recognition of her problems gave her a feeling of respect. I know that what she needed at that moment was not someone to tell her what to do, but sympathy.
Romans 12:15-16 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”
I found that I couldn’t do anything when she, feeling wronged, could not help but cry after winning my recognition. However, I could tell her that we pray that God would help and provide guidance as he is concerned about all our hardship. Her heart was being healed. It took her a long time to feel the empathy being shown her and until she calmed down.
It was not good for me to give concrete guidance to her or leave her alone. The better way was to lead her in a prayer and entrust everything into God’s hands. What was more, I could encourage her and provide hope through God’s word and the testimonies of others who have gone before her.
Hebrew 12:1-2 records, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
When our minds turn to God, I believe God’s working because only God can provide comfort. I saw her nodding in silence with firm eyes. She seemed to have enough hope and faith to move on.
Every time that she displayed an emotional change, I was inspired and moved. With God’s help I moved ahead on the road to help her find healing. Every act of counseling is a journey of the heart. Every burden goes to a gain that I summarize how to deal with believers and I can help walk from weaknesses to strength and helplessness to help.
More than that, an experienced counseling team should be established. Pastors should consider how to bring help and comfort to their congregations through sermons and teaching, but also through personal counseling. Maybe one counseling session can save a fragile soul.
- Translated by Karen Luo
As a Pastor, How Do You Counsel Believers in Private?
