Sister Feng is one of a few seminary graduates living in the Lüliang Mountain region of the northern Chinese Province of Shanxi.
Serving in a rural church that faces financial difficulties due to limited offerings, she receives several hundred yuan every month but is still determined to work for the Lord.
Her elderly sister and mother accepted Jesus before her. Afterward, her faith started from an article about science and faith that sounded reasonable to her.
Since then, she gradually felt there seemed to be a ruler of the universe, but knew nothing about who He is and had doubts of believing in Him.
She was caught between a rock and a hard place: should she believe in Jesus Christ as the Lord?
If she chose to not believe him, the past years actually revealed the existence of a true God, but there was no convincing evidence.
Running a small business, she encountered difficulties. Then she prayed for the first time in her life: “The Lord whom my mother believes in, I don’t know whether you exist or not. If you do, I’m willing to have faith in you, but I do need proof. Please let me at least feel you are the true and living God.”
God answered her prayer, but she didn’t immediately have faith. Another prayer that she prayed in a hard situation was also fulfilled, but she thought it was an accident.
When she was the most upset, God chose her through an article in Tianfeng, a magazine of the Three-Self church in China. It took her eight years to become a Christian.
After praying to follow Christ, she dedicated her life to the Lord and studied theology to become a pastor.
She was stunned at the admission information from Yanjing Theological Seminary. The seminary required Christians to have a high school degree or above and be a Christian for at least one year.
However, the poorly-educated woman had just graduated from middle school, wasting time at that time. Moreover, she had only recently become a Christian, never having read through the Bible. She was in pain again.
Her mother and sister encouraged her with intercessory prayers. Eventually, she decided to take the exam to enter high school, which she took three times. Feng returned to the junior class at her previous middle school.
In 2000, she enrolled in Yanjing Seminary. Her dream came true, which she and her family were very grateful for.
Imagine God’s trials fell upon her in the early days of college. She was convinced that she would be used in an important way by God. The two years of preparing for seminary enrollment showed that there was always a way for those who helped themselves. But her shallow spirituality blinded her to know what it meant to rely upon God.
She needed to study 11 courses, but she had difficulties in every course.
She tried her best, but the performance turned out to be just qualified (actually her teachers gave her extra credit out of sympathy). She had a poor English foundation, failed to acquire computer skills, and didn’t understand stave. Required books on the Bible seemed Greek to her.
The courses were not easy for other classmates, but each of them was good at one subject. Despair crept into her heart.
Again, another dilemma appeared. Should she quit school or continue even though she was academically incapable of doing the work? She questioned why the true and living God didn’t help her. When she thought of suicide, she didn’t dare to kill herself for the terrible result of suicide. In a prayer, she felt again the presence of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit.
One Sunday evening when her first year at college was about to end, she prayed to God after not reading the Bible nor praying for six months. She cried out to God, “Lord, I can’t hold on anymore. I’ve no idea how many days I could continue to study or live. Do with that what you will! Arrange for me to do something I can do!” Then peace and joy brought by the Spirit filled her. She couldn’t help but repeating words from Job: “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”
It was God’s will that she learned to be humble and depend on him. Thanks to God’s guidance, she completed all the courses for her graduation.
After graduation, she returned to her home county. Her work included preaching, teaching how to sing hymns, and organizing retreats. She often drives a motorcycle to preach in other rural gathering points. Having seen some believers suffer from sickness without enough treatment, she learned massage. As the churches were uniting and the congregations grew spiritually, she was comforted.
In her forties, she strives hard to please from God.
- Translated by Karen Luo
一位贫困山区牧者的内心独白：甘心舍己为主用
她是吕梁山区的为数不多的一位神学生，姑且称她为凤姊妹。在家乡贫困小县城教会服侍，奉献极其有限，领着每月微薄的薪水，但她义无反顾地为主做工；生活清贫，她也甘心乐意为主完全摆上，听她的见证，独特的成长侍奉经历引人思索，令人感动。
两难中抉择
她姐姐和母亲信主最早，她第一次对基督教有好感，是因为读了一篇《科学与信仰》的文章，觉得文章说得有一定的道理。此后在生活中不断体验，渐渐觉得宇宙中似乎真有一位主宰，但自己并不认识，也不确认是否该信靠他。于是陷入两难之中：无法选择信还是不信。不信吧，多年的生活体验看万事万物的确奇妙，确实感到有一位真神；信吧，感到自己又没有凭据，不能说服自己。
那时她做点小买卖，正处在艰难的困境里，于是就有了生平第一次祷告：“我妈所信的主啊，我不知有没有你，如果有的话我愿意信靠你，但我需要凭据，至少让我感受到你是又真又活的神。”之后神果然垂听了祷告，藉着所求的事情成全，的确让她感受到神的真实存在。不过还是没有立即信靠。不久，又一次陷入困境，再次向神祷告，神没有按过犯待她，又一次奇妙成就。
但她仍是忘恩负义，心里只说恰好是机遇巧合。一直在十字路口徘徊，陷入深深的苦闷痛苦中，仍没有信神。但两次祷告得蒙垂听，却为她以后决志侍奉主打下坚实基础。在最为苦恼的时候，神藉着《天风》上的文章最终拣选了她，从接触基督教到真正信主，整整经历了8年的挣扎。
立志读神学
信主后，她决定把自己一生奉献给主，决志读神学。谁知拿到神学院招生简章，她傻眼了。招生条件要求：具有高中以上学历，慕道一年以上受洗归入基督者。而她当时学历只有初中，而且以前学习不用功，荒废了时间，文化功底过于浅陋，又是刚刚信主，连圣经也没读过一遍。
又一次陷入深深痛苦中。想放弃，又不行！自己认为人生在世，就应该做好每一件事情。当信主第一次祷告时，内心就深为震撼。清楚明白主的呼召，决心一生服侍主。如果此时放弃，心如刀割，甚至如此庸碌活着或者将失去意义。不放弃，又感觉这重重大山，实在没有力量爬上去。这时母亲和姐姐也给与鼓励，并且恳切代祷，经过反复思索，最终决定知难而上，破釜沉舟，先考三年再做打算。立定心志后，又回到原来的母校在初三年级复读，一年后，又进入县城高中复读一年。那段时间，她刻苦用功，只为弥补知识的不足，凭着一腔热忱和不懈执著追求，2000年，终于如愿被燕京神学院录取，多年梦想成真，她和全家人满心激动喜悦，对神感恩不尽。
逆境得造就
谁料想，上了神学，神的试炼——死荫的幽谷却来临了。
刚入学时，信心满满，相信自己是神所重用的人，内心的诚实足以证明。两年的备考经历，使她确信：只要努力奋斗，就会有出路。
其实当时她灵命非常肤浅，根本不知道什么是信靠主，完全凭着一腔血气，打着信耶稣的牌子，实际是靠自己。
学校开设了11门功课，由于底子薄学历浅，每一门都觉得非常吃力。于是使出浑身解数，全身心投入，结果事与愿违，每次作业分数都勉强及格（实际也是老师勉强照顾），英语基础差，电脑学不懂，五线谱摸不着头脑；老师要求的有关圣经方面的书都像“天书”，竖排版、繁体字，十分费解，读半天不知所云。周围同学虽都不轻松，但各有所长。唯独自己捉襟见肘，难以支撑。哀莫大于心死，此时心里的确快要死了，似乎已到绝路上了。继续上，没能力，退学，又不敢。她想，如果退学，还不如死了。她想“上帝既然是又真又活的神，为什么就不帮助我呢？”想到死，知道死的后果，所以死也不敢死。痛苦绝望生不如死。
人的尽头就是神拯救的开头。后来在祷告中，她再次体会到神的同在和圣灵的充满。一个主日的晚上，也就是一年级快结束时，她突然想到祷告，六个月从没读经、祷告、唱诗，因着痛苦折磨，她的心灵早已麻木了。她向神陈明心意：“主啊，我不行了，我不知还能上几天学，也不知还能活几天，你看着办吧！看我还能做点什么，你安排吧！”话一说完，她顿时感到神的灵所带来的平安喜乐溢满心怀，不由自主地说出约伯曾说过的话：“我从前风闻有你，现在亲眼看见了你。”
哦，神原来有他的美意，为的是让她学习谦卑顺服依靠的功课。从此她靠神带领，顺利学完了各项课程，直至毕业。
矢志侍奉神
学成归来，她回到了县城。讲道、教唱、培灵聚会，还有红白喜事证道，忙的不亦乐乎，她恨不得抓紧时间把自己所学多分享一点；地处山区，她时常骑着摩托前往乡村堂点，晴天一身土，雨天一身泥，苦中有乐，为了让饥渴的心灵得到喂养；在传道中，她看到有些信徒身患疾病缺医少药，就又学会了按摩技术，一有空闲，就为大家解除病痛。教会在不断复兴合一，弟兄姊妹的灵命不断增长，令她心里感到十分欣慰。
教会奉献微薄，虽然只有数百元的工资，她心里也格外满足，因为立定心志侍奉主是她一生最大的追求。
经历苦难，不断成长。不惑之年的她不懈努力，为的是得神的奖赏。
Sister Feng is one of a few seminary graduates living in the Lüliang Mountain region of the northern Chinese Province of Shanxi.
Serving in a rural church that faces financial difficulties due to limited offerings, she receives several hundred yuan every month but is still determined to work for the Lord.
Her elderly sister and mother accepted Jesus before her. Afterward, her faith started from an article about science and faith that sounded reasonable to her.
Since then, she gradually felt there seemed to be a ruler of the universe, but knew nothing about who He is and had doubts of believing in Him.
She was caught between a rock and a hard place: should she believe in Jesus Christ as the Lord?
If she chose to not believe him, the past years actually revealed the existence of a true God, but there was no convincing evidence.
Running a small business, she encountered difficulties. Then she prayed for the first time in her life: “The Lord whom my mother believes in, I don’t know whether you exist or not. If you do, I’m willing to have faith in you, but I do need proof. Please let me at least feel you are the true and living God.”
God answered her prayer, but she didn’t immediately have faith. Another prayer that she prayed in a hard situation was also fulfilled, but she thought it was an accident.
When she was the most upset, God chose her through an article in Tianfeng, a magazine of the Three-Self church in China. It took her eight years to become a Christian.
After praying to follow Christ, she dedicated her life to the Lord and studied theology to become a pastor.
She was stunned at the admission information from Yanjing Theological Seminary. The seminary required Christians to have a high school degree or above and be a Christian for at least one year.
However, the poorly-educated woman had just graduated from middle school, wasting time at that time. Moreover, she had only recently become a Christian, never having read through the Bible. She was in pain again.
Her mother and sister encouraged her with intercessory prayers. Eventually, she decided to take the exam to enter high school, which she took three times. Feng returned to the junior class at her previous middle school.
In 2000, she enrolled in Yanjing Seminary. Her dream came true, which she and her family were very grateful for.
Imagine God’s trials fell upon her in the early days of college. She was convinced that she would be used in an important way by God. The two years of preparing for seminary enrollment showed that there was always a way for those who helped themselves. But her shallow spirituality blinded her to know what it meant to rely upon God.
She needed to study 11 courses, but she had difficulties in every course.
She tried her best, but the performance turned out to be just qualified (actually her teachers gave her extra credit out of sympathy). She had a poor English foundation, failed to acquire computer skills, and didn’t understand stave. Required books on the Bible seemed Greek to her.
The courses were not easy for other classmates, but each of them was good at one subject. Despair crept into her heart.
Again, another dilemma appeared. Should she quit school or continue even though she was academically incapable of doing the work? She questioned why the true and living God didn’t help her. When she thought of suicide, she didn’t dare to kill herself for the terrible result of suicide. In a prayer, she felt again the presence of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit.
One Sunday evening when her first year at college was about to end, she prayed to God after not reading the Bible nor praying for six months. She cried out to God, “Lord, I can’t hold on anymore. I’ve no idea how many days I could continue to study or live. Do with that what you will! Arrange for me to do something I can do!” Then peace and joy brought by the Spirit filled her. She couldn’t help but repeating words from Job: “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”
It was God’s will that she learned to be humble and depend on him. Thanks to God’s guidance, she completed all the courses for her graduation.
After graduation, she returned to her home county. Her work included preaching, teaching how to sing hymns, and organizing retreats. She often drives a motorcycle to preach in other rural gathering points. Having seen some believers suffer from sickness without enough treatment, she learned massage. As the churches were uniting and the congregations grew spiritually, she was comforted.
In her forties, she strives hard to please from God.
- Translated by Karen Luo
Pastor in Poor Rural Country: Honored to be Used by God
