Ephesians 5:22-28: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
It’s a beautiful family where the wife submits herself to her husband and the husband loves his wife. There are many explanations about how the wife should submit herself to her husband, but not many interpretations of how the husband loves his wife. The two parts are equally important.
Christian Times, a Shanghai-based Chinese Christian newspaper, interviewed a pastor who has a strong testimony of loving his wife to share his ideas.
Christian Times: As a normal husband, how do you think one should love his wife?
Rev. Sun: For me, being together is important. After work, we often go for walks. During our walks, we listen to each other, especially I would like to know what stress she is facing and anything that is troubling her. While listening, I agree with her and show empathy. If a wife works while also taking care of her family, that requires much energy. She needs time to release the stress.
There are many ways for someone to help someone reduce stress in their life. My way is to keep her company, listen more and recognize what she is going through. There are two things to keep in mind when being together—you need to take enough time and work at having effective communication.
The key to effective communication lies in recognizing what someone needs and showing empathy. Even though there are some areas where the wife thinks she doesn’t do well or she is not confident, the husband should constantly affirm her. Then he needs to show empathy and demonstrate that he feels the same way. The husband can tell her, “I know what you are feeling. I agree with that.” Let her know that she is understood and accepted. Bi-weekly communication will help feel relieved.
The husband also needs to know what his partner cares about, for instance, my wife values being understood. The husband has to know what she likes—my wife loves flowers or beautiful pictures. So I try to create opportunities for her to enjoy these things.
Three important issues in marriage are housework, finance, and relations with parents. If the husband handles them well, his wife will feel comfortable and receive strength. I run few errands, but I cook with her. During cooking, our relationship develops through communication. The husband needs to share the burden of house chores with his wife as housework is an exhausting job for just one person.
When either of us fails to celebrate what the other does, that makes the other disappointed and tired. So I ofter praise her, “You did a good job cleaning. The house looks really comfortable.” Simple praise matters.
In finances, we let each other know what we should buy, give money to our parents or how much money we can lend to other people. By sharing about finances, I demonstrate respect for her.
The husband needs to maintain the couple’s relationships with their parents. I often share my wife’s photos in her larger family’s WeChat group. In the phone calls with her parents, I often compliment their daughter—this makes her feel proud and content.
Christian Times: How can a pastor love his wife better while caring for his congregation? What is the difference between the two kinds of love?
Rev. Sun: The love toward my congregation is vertical: preaching God's word and living out a life of tolerance and forgiveness. The love for my wife is a matter of the heart and one’s life and sharing her burdens.
I spend thirty per cent of my time with my wife and family. My wife is my right hand who offers me much help.
One characteristic of Chinese people is a conservative expression of emotions where gratitude is not necessarily spoken out. After we got married, I gradually learned that women’s emotions are sensitive and rich. So the husband needs to show his emotions through actions and verbal expression. Of course, we have our own shortcomings, but God created a man and a woman to be united and complement each other.
Christian Times: When a pastor faces pressure, for example, with finances in his ministry, how can he best resolve these pressures?
Rev. Sun: My experience during the past decade is that the pressure is always there.
Our first solution is prayer. Then we talk with each other when we go walking and find release. The financial difficulty never disappears, but I thank God that with the encouragement of my wife, I feel that life is easier.
We cook meals at home but dine out once or twice a month. In restaurants, we order food she likes and share our grace and thoughts with each other.
Christian Times: Although a pastor is the servant of God, he is also an ordinary man. There are many reports of domestic abuse, what do you think of this issue as a pastor and a husband?
Rev. Sun: We’re all sinners, so the important thing is to know that my partner is the best gift God could give me.
Why is there rage and why are people controlled by it? Because hearts are scorched, lacking grace and truth. Maybe those pastors don’t come near to God or don’t spend time with God’s word, then their emotions control them. I would rather believe that family abuse is the work of Satan and comes from his will.
Pastors face many battles, so they need to be more diligent in seeking God than the laity, so that they can fight and not be controlled by negative emotions. Pastors need to have high-quality personal devotions. Apart form work, they should live like normal people, not thinking that they are holy saints. Sometimes they are more likely to be tempted by pride and vanity because in their positions they attract attention.
Christian Times: What is the important thing for a good family?
Rev. Sun: It is compromise. I’m aggressive but my wife is very gentle. In the first three years of our marriage, I was very self-centered, expecting her to do exactly what I wanted. Later I realized that brought harm to her. Since then, God changed me and led me to repent.
The key to a harmonious family is to respect your partner’s ideas and suggestions. Don’t be self-centered but compromise with each other. The foundation is mutual respect and fear, otherwise, compromises can be fake.
- Translated by Karen Luo
专访：家庭关系中，牧师如何更好地爱妻子?
以弗所书5章22-28节：你们作妻子的，当顺服自己的丈夫，如同顺服主。
因为丈夫是妻子的头，如同基督是教会的头。
他又是教会全体的救主。
教会怎样顺服基督，妻子也要怎样凡事顺服丈夫。
你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，正如基督爱教会，为教会舍己。……
丈夫也当照样爱妻子，如同爱自己的身子。
爱妻子，便是爱自己了。
妻子顺服丈夫，丈夫爱妻子，这是一个非常美好的家庭画面。
但在实际生活中很多家庭却不是这个样子，很多妻子不能无条件地顺服丈夫，很多丈夫也不能像基督爱教会一样爱妻子，这导致家庭出现了很多问题。
由于家庭矛盾总是频繁出现，一些教会的牧者为了帮助信徒解决夫妻矛盾，会用圣经上的经文来讲解夫妻之间的相处之道。
“妻子如何顺服丈夫”这个话题在教会里讲解很多，而“丈夫如何爱妻子”这方面的讲解却似乎少了一些。
实际上，丈夫爱妻子——这在婚姻家庭中与妻子顺服丈夫是同等重要的。
但具体丈夫应该如何爱妻子？
体现在什么方面？
针对这一系列的问题，基督时报邀请了一位多年来从事传道牧养工作，且结婚多年、家庭生活各方面都得到见证的基督徒导师孙牧师，来分享他在生活中是如何爱自己的妻子的。
基督时报：作为一名普通的丈夫，您认为在生活中应该怎样去爱妻子呢？
孙牧师：对我来讲陪伴很重要，工作之余我们比较多的会出去散步，散步的时候会听对方的倾诉，我尤其会倾听对方诉说的压力和苦衷。
在倾听的时候我也会给予认同和共情。
妻子如果既要工作又要照顾丈夫和孩子，需要付出很多，因此她们需要有释放压力的时间。
当然，帮助妻子释放压力的方式有很多，我自己的方式是陪伴她，更多的倾听她，给予肯定。
陪伴时需要注意两个点，一是要有真实陪伴的时间，二是要有有效的沟通。
有效沟通的关键是肯定和共情，丈夫要不断地肯定妻子，哪怕是她觉得自己有些地方做的不好，或者有对哪些方面不够自信的，也要去给予肯定。
然后要对妻子的感受有共情，要感同身受，可以对她说：“我能知道你的感受，我认同这个”，让妻子知道自己是被理解和接受的。
这样的陪伴与交流，一周有一次两次的话，妻子就会感到释放了。
另外，作为丈夫我认为他应该知道自己的妻子在乎什么，例如我的妻子她就在乎被理解。
能够被丈夫爱和理解，当然这也是很多妻子对丈夫的期待。
但是丈夫要去理解妻子，这个具体到生活当中怎么操作呢？
首先要知道她喜欢什么——像我的妻子她很喜欢花，或者画面感很美的照片，所以一起散步的时候我会努力创造机会，让她看到一些美景，平时找到一些不错的照片时也会多发给她看，让她高兴。
我认为夫妻关系中重要的三件事是家务、财务和与父母的关系，如果丈夫在这三个方面很好处理，妻子会感到安慰，得到力量。
家务方面我做得比较少，但我会参与做饭。
有时候和妻子一起做饭，并在这个过程中与她交流来培养和增进感情。
家务方面丈夫需要懂得去替妻子分担，哪怕只做十分之一，也要尽量去配合妻子，并给予辛苦做家务的妻子肯定和赞赏，因为一个人做家务是很累的。
其实如果我们任何一个人做了很多事情却没有人看到、没有得到亲近之人的肯定时，或多或少都会感到失望和疲惫，这种心灵上的疲累比干活本身还让人软弱。
所以我会常常肯定赞美妻子：“你打扫的真好，看起来很舒服”，哪怕只是这样简单的一句话也很重要。
财务方面的话例如我们要买什么东西、给父母一些帮助、借钱给别人等，都会让彼此知道。
我觉得这是对妻子的尊重。
与父母的关系也需要丈夫尽可能地去维护，我常常会在妻子家的家庭群里发她的生活照，比如我们去哪里吃饭、去哪里玩了，把生活中比较有意思有恩典的照片发到群里，让她的家人都能知道。
跟对方父母通电话时我也会很多地夸奖她们的女儿——这些会让妻子很有恩典，得到丈夫的肯定时她也有自豪和满足感。
基督时报：作为牧师，爱会众的同时如何更好爱妻子呢？
您觉得，这两种身份的爱有什么区别吗？
孙牧师：爱会众更多的是给予垂直的爱，传递神的话语、活出包容和饶恕的生命。
爱妻子更多的是在心灵和生活上给予认同，帮她分担重担。
我会常去肯定妻子做事情的价值和她的付出，如果她要工作而我有时间我也会毫不犹豫地承担家务。
所以对我来说，爱妻子是更多的理解、认同和支持她。
这个有别于会众，因为和会众的团契生活无法达到这个状态。
在时间的分配上，我会留足30%的时间给妻子和家庭。
我的妻子是我的得力助手，给我很多帮助。
中国人的一个特点是感情的表达上较为含蓄，即便心里有一万个感谢，但言语上却不一定会说出来。
结婚后我越来越知道姐妹的情感是比较感性、丰富和细腻的，因此丈夫需要行为上的表示，也需要言语上的直接表达——有时候一句赞美与肯定的话，会给妻子的信仰和工作带来极大的激励。
当然，我自己也时常会在工作中合适的场合，见证她对我的帮助。
在平时服事的时候我们会互相商谈，有时我的想法不成熟也会咨询她的意见。
通过和她的分享交流发现她的想法更好，当我们的想法综合后，我对她会有更多的感谢和肯定。
当然我和妻子各自都有短板，但上帝创造一男一女结合成为夫妻，能够互补互助，所以我们在一起时也非常的互补和配搭，有时我会故意跟妻子说“这件事我做到不如你好”，虽然我自己也能做，但我去求助她时会让妻子感觉到被需要的快乐。
基督时报：当牧师面临的压力，例如经济压力牧养压力等，该如何排解呢？
孙牧师：在我十多年的牧养生涯中，压力是一直存在的。
我们解决的方法是首先祷告，然后一起散步交流，通过这种方式将压力排解出去。
经济的压力一直都存在，但非常感谢神的是我们都能一起解决，因为有妻子的鼓励，我会因此感到轻松一些。
我们一般都是在家里自己做饭吃，但每个月也提倡去餐厅吃1-2次，点一些妻子喜欢吃的东西，在吃饭的过程中交流近来工作生活里的恩典和想法，这也是夫妻之间增进感情的一种方式。
基督时报：牧师虽然是神的仆人，但也是普通人，很多教会有牧师家暴的事件传出来，您作为牧师和丈夫，怎么看待这个事情呢？
孙牧师：我们都是罪人，所以重要的是要知道我的另一半是神赐给我最好的礼物。
为什么有愤怒？
为什么人会被愤怒控制？
是因为人的心枯干了，没有被恩典和真理充满和掌管。
世上说冲动是魔鬼，可能这个有着极端案例的牧师并没有每日去亲近神，没有被神的话语浇灌，导致夫妻之间有矛盾时情绪便主管了他——我宁愿相信家暴不是他本人愿意做的事情，而是魔鬼的工作。
牧师这个位置其实会有很多的争战，所以需要比普通信徒更多、更努力地去亲近神，这样才能抵挡争战，不让负面情绪来主控自己的生活。
我认为其实做牧师要有高质量的灵修，而且除了工作之外要像普通人一样的生活，而不是将自己高高挂起来，变得神圣与信徒有距离。
有时牧师站在牧养的位置上很容易被人关注，得到赞美、褒奖越多时越容易被骄傲和虚荣心试探。
这样会导致我们与主耶稣的关系被架空，灵修变弱，逐渐被老我里面的情绪所主管。
因此老我的罪性去发脾气、打骂等都是会发生的。
牧师当谦卑地知道自己若走成圣的道路就需要学习，敬畏神，尊重妻子——这是我对“牧师家暴”这个问题的看法。
基督时报：您认为，一个家庭的和谐什么是最重要的呢？
孙牧师：夫妻之间最重要的是要懂得彼此让步。
我的性格非常强势，但我的妻子她却非常温柔，结婚前三年我一直比较强势，以自我为中心，想怎么做就希望对方能按照我的想法去做。
后来我发现我的行为给她带来了一些伤害，从那之后神改变了我的心，让我悔改。
家庭和谐的关键就是要懂得尊重对方的意见和建议，不要以自我为中心，要懂得彼此让步；彼此让步的根基是彼此尊重和敬畏，没有根基的让步只能是假装的。
笔者后记：
在孙牧师的分享中我能感受到他对妻子很深的爱。
其实每个丈夫都很想爱自己的妻子，只是苦于不知道怎么实践。
愿孙牧师的分享给丈夫们带来一些启发，也希望每个丈夫在生活中勇于实践爱，使妻子感受到丈夫的温暖，心里得到滋润，更有力量地去生活。
美好的夫妻关系需要双方的付出，愿每个人在自己的位置上遵循主的教导，做妻子的顺服丈夫，做丈夫的爱妻子，让自己婚姻生活变得美好甘甜！
Ephesians 5:22-28: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
It’s a beautiful family where the wife submits herself to her husband and the husband loves his wife. There are many explanations about how the wife should submit herself to her husband, but not many interpretations of how the husband loves his wife. The two parts are equally important.
Christian Times, a Shanghai-based Chinese Christian newspaper, interviewed a pastor who has a strong testimony of loving his wife to share his ideas.
Christian Times: As a normal husband, how do you think one should love his wife?
Rev. Sun: For me, being together is important. After work, we often go for walks. During our walks, we listen to each other, especially I would like to know what stress she is facing and anything that is troubling her. While listening, I agree with her and show empathy. If a wife works while also taking care of her family, that requires much energy. She needs time to release the stress.
There are many ways for someone to help someone reduce stress in their life. My way is to keep her company, listen more and recognize what she is going through. There are two things to keep in mind when being together—you need to take enough time and work at having effective communication.
The key to effective communication lies in recognizing what someone needs and showing empathy. Even though there are some areas where the wife thinks she doesn’t do well or she is not confident, the husband should constantly affirm her. Then he needs to show empathy and demonstrate that he feels the same way. The husband can tell her, “I know what you are feeling. I agree with that.” Let her know that she is understood and accepted. Bi-weekly communication will help feel relieved.
The husband also needs to know what his partner cares about, for instance, my wife values being understood. The husband has to know what she likes—my wife loves flowers or beautiful pictures. So I try to create opportunities for her to enjoy these things.
Three important issues in marriage are housework, finance, and relations with parents. If the husband handles them well, his wife will feel comfortable and receive strength. I run few errands, but I cook with her. During cooking, our relationship develops through communication. The husband needs to share the burden of house chores with his wife as housework is an exhausting job for just one person.
When either of us fails to celebrate what the other does, that makes the other disappointed and tired. So I ofter praise her, “You did a good job cleaning. The house looks really comfortable.” Simple praise matters.
In finances, we let each other know what we should buy, give money to our parents or how much money we can lend to other people. By sharing about finances, I demonstrate respect for her.
The husband needs to maintain the couple’s relationships with their parents. I often share my wife’s photos in her larger family’s WeChat group. In the phone calls with her parents, I often compliment their daughter—this makes her feel proud and content.
Christian Times: How can a pastor love his wife better while caring for his congregation? What is the difference between the two kinds of love?
Rev. Sun: The love toward my congregation is vertical: preaching God's word and living out a life of tolerance and forgiveness. The love for my wife is a matter of the heart and one’s life and sharing her burdens.
I spend thirty per cent of my time with my wife and family. My wife is my right hand who offers me much help.
One characteristic of Chinese people is a conservative expression of emotions where gratitude is not necessarily spoken out. After we got married, I gradually learned that women’s emotions are sensitive and rich. So the husband needs to show his emotions through actions and verbal expression. Of course, we have our own shortcomings, but God created a man and a woman to be united and complement each other.
Christian Times: When a pastor faces pressure, for example, with finances in his ministry, how can he best resolve these pressures?
Rev. Sun: My experience during the past decade is that the pressure is always there.
Our first solution is prayer. Then we talk with each other when we go walking and find release. The financial difficulty never disappears, but I thank God that with the encouragement of my wife, I feel that life is easier.
We cook meals at home but dine out once or twice a month. In restaurants, we order food she likes and share our grace and thoughts with each other.
Christian Times: Although a pastor is the servant of God, he is also an ordinary man. There are many reports of domestic abuse, what do you think of this issue as a pastor and a husband?
Rev. Sun: We’re all sinners, so the important thing is to know that my partner is the best gift God could give me.
Why is there rage and why are people controlled by it? Because hearts are scorched, lacking grace and truth. Maybe those pastors don’t come near to God or don’t spend time with God’s word, then their emotions control them. I would rather believe that family abuse is the work of Satan and comes from his will.
Pastors face many battles, so they need to be more diligent in seeking God than the laity, so that they can fight and not be controlled by negative emotions. Pastors need to have high-quality personal devotions. Apart form work, they should live like normal people, not thinking that they are holy saints. Sometimes they are more likely to be tempted by pride and vanity because in their positions they attract attention.
Christian Times: What is the important thing for a good family?
Rev. Sun: It is compromise. I’m aggressive but my wife is very gentle. In the first three years of our marriage, I was very self-centered, expecting her to do exactly what I wanted. Later I realized that brought harm to her. Since then, God changed me and led me to repent.
The key to a harmonious family is to respect your partner’s ideas and suggestions. Don’t be self-centered but compromise with each other. The foundation is mutual respect and fear, otherwise, compromises can be fake.
- Translated by Karen Luo
