Every year on March 8th, we celebrate International Women’s Day. Mrs. Huang Mengai (pseudonym), the wife of a pastor from the south of China, shares her thoughts with the Christian Times, an online Chinese Christian newspaper.
Mrs. Huang, a mother of two, has been doing missionary work for 28 years. During her 18-year marriage, she diligently assists her husband’s daily work.
Christian Times Madam Huang, how do you define the role of a pastor’s wife?
Mrs. Huang: First of all, we think that the wife of a pastor is the pastor’s “supporter” and church members’ “prompter and comforter”, and often plays the roles of “giving” and “providing” in families and churches. The role of pastors' wives is not for the faint of heart. Some people even expect the wives to be proficient in everything, playing the piano, singing, visiting, entertaining, coaching and even preaching. However, God’s gift to everyone is different. Not every wife is an all-around substitute. I, as a pastor’s wife, am a little special; I know a little about everything.
Pastors' wives are a special group in the Christian community. Their specialness comes mostly from the fact that they don't know exactly who they are. Pastors' wives are usually the wives of priests or preachers, but they can also be the wife of a pastor who is filling in. In the church, it's clear who the pastor is, but pastors' wives don't really have a formal identity. However, the congregation can't see pastors' wives as regular Christians. This particularity brings great challenges to the wives.
Many people admire the honor of being a pastor’s wife, but what they do not know is that it means lots of grief and tears. When you say "a pastor's wife," a title brings to mind both respect and responsibility. Some people say that a church is healthy when its pastor’s wife is healthy, and vice versa.
Christian Times How much weight do you bear when you wear the honorable title of a pastor’s wife?
Mrs. Huang: Most churches and believers have high expectations for pastors’ wives. The wives should not only focus on taking care of the family but also teach their children to be respectful and obedient, and they should take part in some church services. They need to have a great sacrificial spirit, especially when they have to give up their stable careers for their husbands’ ministries.
A pastor’s job is busy, and he might rarely take care of the family. Yet, the congregation has high expectations of the pastor’s family. Many pastors’ wives are just ordinary sisters before marrying a pastor. But once they get married, they have to deal with a lot of responsibilities and different expectations from the congregation. On top of that, many pastors' wives don't have enough theological and spiritual training.
As a pastor’s wife, I think that they are also the object that needs to be herded and cared for because the pressure and challenge we bear are relatively greater. We may think that pastors’ wives are the closest person to the pastor, and they can get more pastoral care. In fact, this is not the case. The pastor is often so busy and tired in the church that he does not even want to talk when he gets home. Not only could pastors’ wives not get the pastor’s care, but even normal communication between husband and wife is hard.
Christian Times: If you chose a negative word to describe the situation of the pastors’ wives as a group, what word would it be?
Mrs. Huang: I would choose the word “loneliness”. I think pastors’ wives are one of the loneliest people. Before I was married, I heard a jingle saying, “A good girl doesn’t marry a pastor or she will stay in her empty room day and night, and one day when her husband returns home, she has to wash a pile of dirty clothes of his.” Unexpectedly, I became a minister myself and married a pastor, so I naturally became a pastor’s wife. The need for sisters to talk is often much greater than that of brothers. Brothers and sisters may talk to pastors’ wives when they are weak, but it is difficult for the wives to find someone to talk to when they are weak, and some words cannot be told to believers.
Christian Times: What types of pastors’ wives do you think there are?
Mrs. Huang: I think it can be roughly divided into several types: first, the white-collar type in the workplace: the husband is a pastor, but the wife has a secular career; the second is the full-time wife type, taking care of children and doing housework; the third is the all-obedient type; fourth, the husband is a pastor, but the wife may attend or serve in other churches without interfering with each other; fifth, the missionary type: the wives are also equipped with theology and can work side by side with their husbands.
Christian Times: Do you have anything special to say to the pastors’ wives of Chinese churches?
Mrs. Huang: I have been serving in the church full-time for nearly 28 years. I have been busy working for the church and for my parents, husband, and children, and I often have disputes with pastors due to different opinions. Here, I would like to advise those who are the same as me: “Even though we are weak, we are not weak. We should do our best to take care of our family and God’s big family. May the warm sunshine in March shine on your heart and put a smile on your face, blooming like a rose! I hope every sister can feel my sincere greetings and blessings! May all your family members and friends understand your hard work and dedication! I wish you a happy family and happy life in all your days in the future!” May my sharing be an encouragement to all the wives.
- Translated by Charlie Li
一年一度的“三八”国际妇女节即将到来之际，华南一所教会的黄蒙爱（化名）师母分享她的心声。
黄师母已经参与一线传道工作有28年个年头、育有一子一女、在她与牧师18年的婚姻生活中，平日里黄师母殷勤地协助牧师的工作。
问：黄师母，您是如何定义“师母”这个角色呢？
答：首先，我们觉得“师母”就是牧师的“扶持者”，会友的“鼓励、安慰者”，在家庭、教会中常扮演“给予”和“供应”的角色。师母的角色绝非一般人所能胜任，甚至有人要求师母要样样精通，会司琴唱诗，要会探访，接待，辅导，甚至包括讲道。可上帝给每个人的恩赐不同，不是每个师母都是全能替补，我这个师母有点特殊，样样通一点。
在基督教圈子里，师母是一群比较特殊的群体，她们的特殊性主要源于她们的身份及对其身份认定的模糊。师母一般指牧师或传道人的妻子，也可泛指包含带职同工在内的牧者的妻子。在教会里，牧者的身份是明确的，师母几乎未被当作一种正式的的身份被承认，但会众又不可能视师母为普通信徒，这种特殊性给师母带来很大的挑战。
很多人羡慕做师母的尊荣，却不知道做师母的也有很多的心酸和眼泪。师母的“母”字既意味着尊敬，也意味着母亲般的责任。有人说，一间教会师母健康，教会就健康，反之亦然。
问：当您戴上了师母这顶尊荣的桂冠，您同时又承受它多少的重量呢？
答：大部分教会和信徒对师母有很高的期待。不但要专心照顾牧者家庭，还要求儿女端庄顺服，且要在教会里参与一定的服侍。特别是当师母原先有比较稳定的工作时，要因着丈夫的服侍而放弃工作，需要很大的牺牲精神。
牧者的工作一般比较繁忙，甚少能够兼顾到家庭，而会众对牧者家庭的期望值普遍较高。很多师母原先只是普通的姊妹，只因为嫁给了牧者，一下子就要面对这么多的重担和会众不一样的期待，更何况很多师母在神学装备和生命操练上并不够。
作为师母的我认为，师母也是需要被牧养和关心的对象，因为我们所承担的压力和挑战是比较大。我们可能会觉得师母是牧者最亲近的人，她们可以得到更多的牧养。事实上不是这样，牧者在教会忙的昏天暗地，回到家时累的甚至连话都不想说了，师母不但不能得到牧者的牧养，就连夫妻之间正常的交流都很少了。
问：如果选一个偏消极一些的词汇 ，您会选择那个词来形容师母群体的处境？
答：我会选择“孤独”这个词，我觉得师母是最孤独的人群之一，我在还没有结婚的时候就听说一个顺口溜说：“好女不嫁传道郎，日日夜夜守空房，有朝一日回家去，留下一堆脏衣裳。”没想到后来我自己也成了传道人，并且又嫁给了牧师，自然就成为了“师母”。作为姐妹，倾诉的需求往往比弟兄大多了，教会弟兄姐妹软弱需要时可以来找师母倾诉，而师母软弱需要时却很难找到倾诉的窗口，有些话又不能对信徒讲。
问：您觉得师母有哪几种类型呢？
答：我想可以大概分几个类型：一是职场白领型：丈夫是传道人或者牧师，但自己本身有世俗职业的；二是全职太太型：在家带孩子，做家务的；三是夫唱妇随型：也就是常见的教会“买一送一制”；四是各自为政型：丈夫是教会的传道人或者牧师，但师母可能是在其他教会参加聚会、服侍，互不干涉；五是传道型：师母也是接受过训练或全时间神学装备的，能和丈夫并肩齐驱。
问：您有哪些特别对中国教会的师母群体要说的话？
答：我已经在教会全职侍奉将近二十八年，作为传道型的师母，我为了教会群羊，为了父母、丈夫、孩子，不停地忙碌操劳，我也常因意见不同和牧师产生争执。在此奉劝和我一样同做师母者：“我们即使柔弱却并不软弱，要竭尽所能，尽心尽力照顾自己的家和神的大家庭。愿三月温暖的阳光，照耀你的心房，让脸上的笑容，如玫瑰花一般绽放！希望每一位姐妹都能感受到真挚的问候与祝福！愿每一位家人朋友都能理解你的辛苦和付出！愿今后的每一天都能婚姻美满、生活幸福！”愿以上的分享与师母们一起共勉。
妇女节专题（一） 让我们共同聆听教会师母群体的心声
Every year on March 8th, we celebrate International Women’s Day. Mrs. Huang Mengai (pseudonym), the wife of a pastor from the south of China, shares her thoughts with the Christian Times, an online Chinese Christian newspaper.
Mrs. Huang, a mother of two, has been doing missionary work for 28 years. During her 18-year marriage, she diligently assists her husband’s daily work.
Christian Times Madam Huang, how do you define the role of a pastor’s wife?
Mrs. Huang: First of all, we think that the wife of a pastor is the pastor’s “supporter” and church members’ “prompter and comforter”, and often plays the roles of “giving” and “providing” in families and churches. The role of pastors' wives is not for the faint of heart. Some people even expect the wives to be proficient in everything, playing the piano, singing, visiting, entertaining, coaching and even preaching. However, God’s gift to everyone is different. Not every wife is an all-around substitute. I, as a pastor’s wife, am a little special; I know a little about everything.
Pastors' wives are a special group in the Christian community. Their specialness comes mostly from the fact that they don't know exactly who they are. Pastors' wives are usually the wives of priests or preachers, but they can also be the wife of a pastor who is filling in. In the church, it's clear who the pastor is, but pastors' wives don't really have a formal identity. However, the congregation can't see pastors' wives as regular Christians. This particularity brings great challenges to the wives.
Many people admire the honor of being a pastor’s wife, but what they do not know is that it means lots of grief and tears. When you say "a pastor's wife," a title brings to mind both respect and responsibility. Some people say that a church is healthy when its pastor’s wife is healthy, and vice versa.
Christian Times How much weight do you bear when you wear the honorable title of a pastor’s wife?
Mrs. Huang: Most churches and believers have high expectations for pastors’ wives. The wives should not only focus on taking care of the family but also teach their children to be respectful and obedient, and they should take part in some church services. They need to have a great sacrificial spirit, especially when they have to give up their stable careers for their husbands’ ministries.
A pastor’s job is busy, and he might rarely take care of the family. Yet, the congregation has high expectations of the pastor’s family. Many pastors’ wives are just ordinary sisters before marrying a pastor. But once they get married, they have to deal with a lot of responsibilities and different expectations from the congregation. On top of that, many pastors' wives don't have enough theological and spiritual training.
As a pastor’s wife, I think that they are also the object that needs to be herded and cared for because the pressure and challenge we bear are relatively greater. We may think that pastors’ wives are the closest person to the pastor, and they can get more pastoral care. In fact, this is not the case. The pastor is often so busy and tired in the church that he does not even want to talk when he gets home. Not only could pastors’ wives not get the pastor’s care, but even normal communication between husband and wife is hard.
Christian Times: If you chose a negative word to describe the situation of the pastors’ wives as a group, what word would it be?
Mrs. Huang: I would choose the word “loneliness”. I think pastors’ wives are one of the loneliest people. Before I was married, I heard a jingle saying, “A good girl doesn’t marry a pastor or she will stay in her empty room day and night, and one day when her husband returns home, she has to wash a pile of dirty clothes of his.” Unexpectedly, I became a minister myself and married a pastor, so I naturally became a pastor’s wife. The need for sisters to talk is often much greater than that of brothers. Brothers and sisters may talk to pastors’ wives when they are weak, but it is difficult for the wives to find someone to talk to when they are weak, and some words cannot be told to believers.
Christian Times: What types of pastors’ wives do you think there are?
Mrs. Huang: I think it can be roughly divided into several types: first, the white-collar type in the workplace: the husband is a pastor, but the wife has a secular career; the second is the full-time wife type, taking care of children and doing housework; the third is the all-obedient type; fourth, the husband is a pastor, but the wife may attend or serve in other churches without interfering with each other; fifth, the missionary type: the wives are also equipped with theology and can work side by side with their husbands.
Christian Times: Do you have anything special to say to the pastors’ wives of Chinese churches?
Mrs. Huang: I have been serving in the church full-time for nearly 28 years. I have been busy working for the church and for my parents, husband, and children, and I often have disputes with pastors due to different opinions. Here, I would like to advise those who are the same as me: “Even though we are weak, we are not weak. We should do our best to take care of our family and God’s big family. May the warm sunshine in March shine on your heart and put a smile on your face, blooming like a rose! I hope every sister can feel my sincere greetings and blessings! May all your family members and friends understand your hard work and dedication! I wish you a happy family and happy life in all your days in the future!” May my sharing be an encouragement to all the wives.
- Translated by Charlie Li
Voices of Pastors’ Wives Should Be Heard
